My partner constantly puts me down am I right to finally walk away?

Question

My partner moans about everything I do. He belittles me and everything I have taken an interest in. My 20yr old son died last year and instead of his patience and support he makes the depression im going through much worse. I am not allowed visitors, he moans about the cat my son left behind, he slags me off in the pub, moans constantly when I go on the computer and go out anywhere and constantly chips away at what little self esteem I have left. I didnt want to be on my own but is this worth staying for. My partner is a heavy drinker and all he cares about is where his next drink is coming from and I have spent a lot of money buying things for this house should I walk away and leave him everything or just cut my losses and start again. The only thing I can say in his defense is that he has never hit me but he is a verbally nasty man.

Answer 1

NOOOOOOO HONEY PLEASE WALK AWAY.... TAKE YOUR THINGS AND YOUR SON'S CAT AND GET AWAY FROM THIS MONSTER.... YOU HAVE TO LEAVE HIM HE IS HORRIBLE... I KNOW YOUR FEELING LIKE THE WORLD IS FALLEN ON YOUR SHOULDERS NOW.. BUT YOUR SON HE WOULD WANT YOU TO LEAVE THIS MAN.... FOCUS ON WHAT YOUR SON WOULD WANT YOU TO DO.. FROM HEAVEN HE IS TELLING YOU TO GET UP STOP CRYING AND LEAVE.... YOUR SON IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE WITH YOU HONEY... HE IS WITH YOU RIGHT NOW AND SOON YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN ALWAYS MISSING HIM BUT HAPPY.. BUT IF YOU STAY WITH THIS JACKASSS YOUR GOING TO FALL IN TO DEEP IN DEPRESSION AND YOU DON'T NEED THAT.. I KNOW IT HURTS AND IT SUCKS BUT THIS IS LIFE YOUR LIFE AND YOU HAVE TO BE STRONG AND IN THE MEMORY OF YOUR SON GET UP AND LEAVE START NEW AND TRY TO BE HAPPY... SEEK COUNSELING IT HELPS HONEY.. DO SOMETHING YOUR SON WOULD WANT YOU TO AT LEAST TRY.. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 2

You do not have to be hit to be abused.

This man is abusing you. If you want to live a lifetime with a man who doesn't care about your feelings, by all means stay and endure even more abuse.
If you want to live your life free from abuse, take the cat and all of your things and leave him.
Rent a moving truck when he is at work and have friends come over to help you move your things quickly.
(I moved a 4 bedroom, 2 bath house full of things in only six hours, with help from about 6 people. My things were put into a storage unit until I had a home of my own again).
If you cannot do that, still get out as soon as you can. You can obtain your things through a court order - just be sure that you document everything that you leave there, before you leave him. Write down serial numbers to your things (the ones that have serial numbers, like tv's and computers)...that way he cannot deny having them, or selling them out of spite.

I am so sorry for your loss of your son. When you are rid of this nasty man, you can mourn your son. The cat will help to heal your heart.
Good Luck, I wish you the very best in your future.

Answer 3

First of all, I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. I cannot imagine any worse pain, than what you must be going through.
Verbal abuse is still ABUSE. It won't get better until HE understands that, and takes action to change. It is NOT your fault, and YOU can't change him.
My suggestion is to ask yourself this....What kind of life would I like to have? Dare to imagine the best case scenario, because you deserve that...we all do. Now, can you see that happening with this man? Walking away is something only you can decide on, but please remember, life is far to short to waste even one day being unhappy or being abused by someone else.
I sincerely hope you will find peace in your heart, and in your life very soon.

Answer 4

He doesn't have to hit you to be abusive. Walk away. You dont need the 'support' he is providing. You need patience and help to get over your depression especially when your still grieving and if he keeps treating you like this you will never move on.
I'm really sorry for your loss. Take care x

Answer 5

Dear Margaret. My heart goes out to you, I have a son of 25 and if anything happened to him my world would fall apart, I admire your courage and you continual battle. A lot of people have answer "leave him" "chuck him out" But life is not about the easy way out, is it so easy to open the door and walk out or pack his bags and show him the door. The fundamental thing of life is to try and solve problems as they occur, So I would like to take one thing at a time and try and help you get through this as painlessly as possible. Firstly you need to get some help to properly mourn your son, that is paramount for your future. Try a counsellor or a good friend who is willing to listen to you and not judge, but a counsellor is the better of the two. Your partner moans at every thing you do, This may sound difficult for you but you might want to say, "well darling help me and show me what I am doing wrong that way I know I will do it properly the next time. Your partner may be speechless and walk away leaving you to complete your task or on the other hand, he may help you, therefore you are both making a joint effort which is a step forward. I have often used this scenario myself and it has worked contary to other people opinion. Visitors, your partener should allow you access to friends if not ask him why it bothers him so much, is he scared that you might talk about him and people who will proberly inturn give their own stories of how they dealt with simular situations? The cat I can only sermise that it brings back memories of your son, I have no idea how long you partner knew your son, so I can only give that comment, however will disuss loss a little later. If your husband "slags" your off in the pub, then don't go, that way you feel safer knowing that you don't have to listen to his verbal abuse. If he questions why, you have 2 options, one is to tell him the truth, the other is to state that you have a headache!!! It is not nice someone chipping at your self esteem, what you need is a boost in CONFIDENCE, POSITIVE THINKING AND SELF ASSURANCE, we all have that inside us, we just need to dig deep to find it. I am sure you can find groups in your area that do things like painting or creative writing or something that you would enjoy doing and in turn help with your confidence, it would also get you out of the house of a while. You state that 'you have left him once, but you didn't want to be alone', is it that or is there still some love left inside that you want to be by his side regardless of his attitude? Love is hardest of all the emotions, but we all know it can hurt us sometimes. As for the drinking, it is a possibility that your partner is an alcolohic in the making or he has gone so far it is possible he is one, he needs help from the AA and it might be in your interest to contact the AA who have support groups for people in your situation and this will enable you to find the confidence to confront him at some stage, ask him to get help and stand by him in his hour of need. The most positve of all is that he has not hit you, this shows even though he is drunk he still has some respect for you as not to hurt you, although he verbally abuses you, One can learn to close their ears to such abuse and put it down to the drink. With the help of friends and groups you can grow much stronger in confidence to say "that is enough explain to me where YOU think I am going wrong". Your partener wants to make sure he can continue to control you. Going back to the loss of your son, (I may be wrong here so please forgive me if I am) I don't know how long your partner has been drinking or whether it ties in with the death of your son, but I believe he is in mourning and this is the only way, he can't express his loss in any other way, but if it is, he also needs help by a professional. He may in some way want to feel responsible. If you get any quiet time try and talk to him stating how much you miss your son and how much you miss his support in your time of need, it might be that he may open up to you, this could be a turning point where both of you can deal with the situation together under professional guidence. Good luck Margaret, my thoughts and prayers are with you..............David

Answer 6

Think you know the answer to your question.. This man is past redemption and you should walk away and make a new life for yourself and the cat!.. Staying isn't an option unless you are prepared to continue to suffer his behaviour towards you!.. Remember when you go its his loss not yours...

Answer 7

Hi Margaret, I don't know your age but I do know that as you get older the decision you have to make gets harder by the day, if you continue to allow him to do this to you it will never end. The answer is in your head "not in your heart", material things are nice but! you can replace them in the future, you need to regain your self esteem and believe in yourself. You need some space to enjoy life and time to heal the hurt. I think you need to leave if only to make him think about the situation, if he thinks more of his beer let him have it and move on, I wish you all the best whatever you decide, good luck.

Answer 8

Life is too short to be miserable. You are going through enough with the loss of a child. It is possible that your husband is too and you have become his punching bag to take his fustrations out on. Not physically but verbally. I would try to get the both of you into some consueling or go with out him. Afterwards you should be able to make a clear choice as too wether you want to live under these conditions. I would rather be happy in a tent as to be miserable in a mansion.

Answer 9

You only have two choices #1 Stay and be miserable and unhappy*... Or #2 The opposite of #1*.... Check first with attorney as to disposition of property rights*...

Answer 10

i wouldn't defend him at all how good of him not to hit you it's your right not to be hit or abused and you should be allowed to grieve for your son. I'd make him leave why should you give up your home and the memories it holds of your son no I'd give him the wake up call you've lost your son that must be unbearable for you you need time to heal let your husband sort himself out when he's ready to face the loss of his son, but you look out for yourself.

Answer 11

Why should you be the 1 to walk away from your home. He is the 1 who is putting you down and treating you like $hit, he should be the 1 to move out. If he wont leave then kick him out. You say he hasn't hit you, well i can tell you now it will only be a matter of time before he does. You do not deserve to be with a man who has no respect for you, you deserve better!! Good luck