Do you like my poem? (I have just made it for you.)?

Question

Corina NICA – 27th of June, 2007

Can I teach You love?
Can I love you more?
Can I be your love?
Can you more ignore
That I do adore
All you do and feel?
What I say is real!

It is my first time when I try to write a poem in English. I-am from Romania. Please understand me if my words are too simple.

Answer 1

It is short and precise, which is a good quality. Also, it does seem to flow well, with a rising in tone at the end of each line.

The only breaks are line 4 and 5. I suggest trying the following changes for line 4: "Will you just ignore." Also, for line 5, try this: "The fact I do adore."

You can also skip a line before the final line, just for emphasis. And to continue the pattern of repetition you began above, you can use "All I feel is real!!" in the final line.

Overall, I enjoyed this piece. Very nice.

Answer 2

This is very good, but only one thing I would change ... the line that says: Can you more ignore

it just doesn't flow like the rest of the poem. I would take out the word more.

Still, it is a really nice poem.

Answer 3

Hmmm...

I think it needs closure at the end to, well, close it / round it off.
My Romanian's a bit rusty so forgive any spelling or grammatical errors. I'd put in a final line in your native tongue, giving you...

Can I teach You love?
Can I love you more?
Can I be your love?
Can you more ignore
That I do adore
All you do and feel?
What I say is real
Eu am nevoie tu , meu addiction ...

(Which as far as I remember means "I need you, my addiction..."
Then again it's been a while.
Anywho...

Nice work...

Answer 4

I'd give it a seven based on lyrical prose and poise too. For originality, I'll give it a 9.6 on the scale. I like by the way. It reminds me of all the Japanese novels I've been reading lately. Although, they are a bit long winded when you get right down to it all.