Am I Wrong?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for four + years now. We have been looking for an apartment to move in together first... He wants to wait another 2 or 3 years before we even get engaged.... which would mean about 4 years the earliest before the actual wedding... & I'm ready 2 settle down now. Esp. after 4 years..

It feels like we are on different pages. I love him very much, but it hurts when he takes his frustration out on me (mentally/emotionally)... He also neglects my needs and puts his needs first...

I grew up in a house with abuse, and I'm not sure (as dumb as this sounds) what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. I am ready for marriage. And while I'm not happy in this relationship... I would love to marry him. Why i dont know sometimes.

But based on the above over view... Would i be "right" for ending things with him? Or is it wrong 4 me to desire some of his time, wrong 4 me 2 be upset about the delay in marrage? Thanks

Answer 1

Move on I am sorry to say. Since you do not have an example of a health relationship you are repeating what you do know.
You may have grown a tough skin and have a high degree of tolerance for being neglected & are maybe even too submissive.
I think you know what you want and you are trying to get it from someone that won't give it to you. That is a form of abuse or at least the prelude to it.
Abusive people try to keep people off balance, encourgage them to doubt themselfs and deny them what they want.
Thats how they control you.
Thsi do this by ocassionally throwing you a bone by giving you something sometimes. String you along sorta speak.
I can read between lines and you are almost asking for permission to leave this guy. well you got it from me. You have permission to go an have a good life with someone else.

Answer 2

Marriage is a very big step count up all the cost . You are not sure what a healthy relationship is so why would you put yourself through this find yourself and know what love actually is living with someone is not the answer that just says I want to play house. Love is mature it does not grow quick to anger it is not jealous or selfish it does not put you don't and make you feel small. It does not what its own way its honest and understanding. It look at a real picture not fantasy. You are special and you make yourself feel special and someone else doesn't why would you want to be with a partner like that. I would not wait years for a man to say I will because is is already doing the I do deal. Men take a longer time than women to commit but some know what they want an go for it no matter lengh of time. No nagging, no controllin, no cheating, no lieing, no putting down, no shouting. Rember if he is considering marrying you he is observing your every move men look for the perfect women even though it don't exsist. You don't want to be a cow giving free milk be partner owner of the ranch you are important thay way. Don't let anyone treat you less than God would. Be equally yoked you will have a better relationship. God bless you and remeber it is when a man find a wife that means you don't look work on you and God will send you a good man not until you change your ways and find out what marriage is all about if its with the equally yoke gut it can be a ball the good out ways the bad all the time be blessed

Answer 3

How old are you? Have you had other relationships besides this one? You shouldn't feel like he's taking his frustration out on you; in a good relationship, you support each other - not undermine each other. You may be cheating yourself from a truly rewarding and satisfying relationship by settling for the "devil you know". Four years is not "long" if you're both 18, but it's a long time if you're both 30. After my mid-20s, I pretty much expected either marriage or going our separate ways within a year or two. I would not wait 4 years, unless I was happy with things as they were (no marriage, just "dating" or living together). I think you know more about what a "healthy" relationship should be like than you give yourself credit for - and this one doesn't seem to feel "right". Listen to your gut feeling. Just because you're used to having this guy around is not a good enough reason to want to marry him.

Answer 4

If you are NOT happy NOW in the relationship, marriage will definitely NOT improve it! It will change alright, but certainly NOT for the BETTER. Please dont waste any more years on a relationship that's going nowhere.
Ok, so you grew up in house with abuse. You may not know what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. But you DO know what an abusive one is. Please break that cycle. It is in your best interest to expect someone to respect, love, and cherish you. And when you are treated in a way that pleases you, that is when you've found your life's partner!

Answer 5

You just wrote a very cogent and sincere summary. Go back and read it out loud. You are mature and level headed.

This guy is not appreciating you. You are smart and it sounds like he is, sorry to say, pretty mentally and emotionally immature.

You need to take control. Either he changes his ways (respects you) and starts thinking seriously about a commitment OR it is adios amigo.

It is scary, I know, but if it comes to that, you will find another. You sound pretty normal and there are lots of guy out there.

You have invest too long in him not to see if it can work, but you also need to think about cutting your losses.

And remember, he is probably thinking like a guy. You have hear the saying "Why buy the cow then I can get the milk for free?"

Well, it is crude, but that is how guys think.

Take control of your life. Good luck.

Answer 6

The guidelines for a proper relationship is

1. normal dating for exploration: 3-6 months, then you can call each other bf and gf. No sex up to this point, maybe even after engagement or marriage
2. Engagement: 15-18 months after first date
3. Marriage: 12 months or less after engagement. Can change for acceptable circumstances (such as finishing college)

So a woman knows if the man she is seeing is serious in 6 months with sufficient time to know him and his background. There is engagement with a date about 15 months into the relationship. If the man is not suitable for marriage, about 15 months is lost.

You have way passed the nominal period and lost precious time. That's why you feel invested and stuck and can't move on. Your choice is obvious.

Answer 7

You contradict alot of things you are saying here, especially where you say " I'm not happy in this relationship" but I would love to marry him?. Lady you just answered your own question and that is this relationship is not the one for you, especially marriage. By the sounds of it you both don't have much compatibility at all and if he loved you he wouldn't be taking his frustrations out on you. Give this relationship ALOT MORE THOUGHT before making a decision that you will regret for the rest of your life. Cheers and good luck.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

Juda hit the nail on the head.. why marry him if your not happy ? All that is going to do is put a dent in your wallet when your done paying the legal fees of the divorce. If he is not interested in marriage or if he's not meeting your needs now.. then he wont do either in the marriage.

Answer 10

you need to take care of yourself and your needs. he's stalling because he knows that you're not going anywhere because you're insecure. the right thing to do would be to do what is best for you. if it feels like you're on different pages right now, it won't be long before you feel like you're on different books and that would not be good in a marriage. marriage will not make things better. there is a huge misconception that marriage somehow changes men and makes the relationship work. on the contrary, it might make men feel trapped which leads to distancing from the relationship which leads to him blaming you for making him feel trapped and distanced because he married you because that's what YOU wanted.