If during an argument your spouse told you they hated you, but later apologized would you accept the apology?

Question

Three or four months after we were married, I told my husband that I hated him. It was during a heated argument and I know that my actions are not justifiable in any way, shape, form or fashion. The reason I said it? I was very frustrated because he used to give me the silent treatment when we got into an argument. I would have to literally beg him to speak. He would run into another room or leave the house, and no matter how hard I tried he would not budge. One evening he was watching a football game and I was trying to talk to him about an issue in our marriage. He kept putting me off and said I would have to wait until after the game to discuss anything. I got really upset. He ended up flipping off the TV and going into the other room. I followed him and because he was getting ready to leave out the house I said, "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" over and over and hit him in his chest several times. To date, he insists that this caused his feelings for me to change.

I have apologized time and time again but it doesn’t matter to him. However, he has cheated on me, technically twice. The second time, when he actually had sex, we got tested for STD’s. He came back positive for genital herpes but after a second opinion the results were negative. Even before I knew the results I told him I would stay with him because I wanted to be faithful. He acted so grateful and was nearly begging me to stay, but the minute he got the test back saying he was negative, he was acting like he didn’t care if I stayed or left. He was not honest before we got married, because he didn’t tell me he had a porn addiction. He used to stay up all times of night looking at porn with me in the house. Other times he would do it when he got off work or before I got off. I have literally walked in and caught him and he tried to lie to my face.

I have caught him several times with the front door double-bolted, bedroom doors locked, and then he actually ran into the bathroom one time because I startled him by knocking on the window. Say it was a weekend, he would wait until I left to go shopping and then say I decided to pop back by the house or say I forgot something … he’d be front and center in front of the computer. He has lied to me over and over and I have caught him in lies and accepted him back. Do you think he is really upset because I said I hate him, or is he just using that as something to hold over my head because all of the wrong doing he has done? We will married for 3 years on Monday and have no kids. Things are getting worse by the minute.

Answer 1

I feel that he is emotionally abusive and he does have a porn addiction. He is also a cheater and putting your own health at risk. You have tried to communicate with him and stayed in the marriage because you truly wanted things to work but he is working against that. He has hurt your trust and broken your heart and your feelings don't matter to him. He has no respect for you and when you stated that you hated him ...you were stating how much you hated the things he has done and is still doing to you. He has some very severe issues with himself and beats up emotionally untill you don't know if you are coming or going. The only thing you can expect from him is to act out as the selfish person that he is. You know he will never be right in this relationship with you and in the past thrre years of your marriage he has knocked your self esteem to the bottom of the ground. You do not deserve to be treated this way ......You cannot change a man that has no morals and try to make him be what you need. he is comfortable and happy with things just the way they are for himself. He stated to you that what you said to him caused his feelings to change for you..............He is manipulating and controlling because the only feelings he displlays to you are the feelings that he only has for himself. If anything he has change your feelings for him when he betrayed you by cheating on you...probably masturbating behind a lock door when watching porn....and ignoring you untill he pushes you to the point of saying that you hate him and beating him on the chest. He brings you down in life when he is suppose to be bringing you up! As hard as this is for you he is no good for your life. I am so sorry but you cannot go on this way and anything ever good come from this relationship. You have to change the way things are and stop him from abusing your life. He is not right with you and I know that you realize that. It is very hard to give up a dream but it is worse to be in a living nightmare. Things will only get worse if you remain stuck in this world with him. You are better than what he has to offer. Go talk with a counselor and find what it takes to expect more for yourself than he is able to give. There are good men out there that would never treat you the way he does. I understand that you have so many emotions tied up in this man but someone needs to help you know where you can put them. You can only change the way you feel by looking at things differently.Good luck sweetie and I only wish the best out of life for you.

Answer 2

You know, you tried to paint him a bad picture. But with all the rambling, what is obvious is you deliberately antagonize him.

Would you want your husband to talk to you about marriage issues when you were sitting in the toilet? If not, why would you pick the time of football to get him to talk to you such things? That was his space and private time. You knew that but you had to do it knowing well that he would run away from you --- and then you could make a case of it. That is very manipulative on your side.

Your husband is NOT the only man in the world who don't talk that much. It is a very common phenomenon -- as common as men believing women TALK TOO MUCH. The more you force the issue, the more silent treatment you are gonna get.

Men can talk things out among themsevles about a problem because it usually involves something logical and actionable. If someone is offended, a man can apologize and it is really over. Women will bring the same up the same crap again and again. Women dwell on very abstract stuff that men can find nothing actionable so men are frustrated by women's emotional and feeling stuff to the point that they simply give up.

Each man has his own limit of tolerating insults. You might have crossed the line with your husband. No matter how you justified it, you went ballistic and physical. There is no definitive answer. He took serious offense from you have done.

Answer 3

Saying 'I hate you' is never a good thing. however, you were new to marriage and everyone makes mistakes. I think a lot of people need to remember to think before they speak. I heard a quote once, ''A moment of anger can cause a lifetime of heartache''. I remind my husband of it all the time. I think you should be forgiven, and next time you are frustrated and feel like yelling that you hate him, yell ''I hate the way you make me feel'' or ''I hate the way you are treating me''. That way you get the release, the satisfaction of saying it, and its more constructive. I don't think you do hate him, I think you are just frustrated and aggravated. I'm the same way. I hope things work out for you.

EDIT:
I hadn't read your answer all the way through when I answered this. With the cheating and the lying, I think it may be best that you just kick him to the curb. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years. We started off rocky. He would lie and break promises. I had to deal with that while he was thousands of miles away, deployed to Japan. It is very difficult to have a partner that you can't tust. As difficult as it would be, if my husband had cheated on me, I would have left him. I think that you should think long and hard about what your life will be like with him in 10 or 20 years. You teach people how to treat you and even though you are telling him its not ok, by staying with him you are showing him that it is ok.

Answer 4

Ok, so you told him you hated him, you hit him and he cheated on you?

I don't think you realize how easily you can damage your man's self esteem by disrespecting him, and you disrespected in a big way. I would encourage you to sincerely tell him what you respect him for. You also need to make it clear to him that you will never again hit him. It's very humiliating for a guy to be hit by a gal, even more so by his own wife. He knows he can't and shouldn't fight back, but he's being humiliated, b/c naturally he is stronger, but can't hit you back. If you were a guy, he could hit you back. Do you see how manipulative it is of you to hit him? I'm not trying to be condescending, I'm trying to show you his perspective so you can learn about your husband better.

You need to respect him even when he is unloving. He needs to learn how to love you even when you are disrespecting. With a cycle like this its very easy to keep it going and keep hurting each other, someone has to break the cycle and choose not to respond from the junk from the other. Will you do it? Or will you perpetuate the madness? If you are serious about saving your marriage, I encourage you to get some marital counseling right away.

And he has a porn addiction?

He has to want to change that. If you want to help him, you need to be prepared for forgive and forgive and forgive, because there is victory, but it is often a long road with set backs. If he knows that you love and respect him no matter how often he slips back into it, or even if he never tries to give it up, it will mean a lot to him, more than you can imagine. Get help right away. Ask your pastor (or flip open the yellow page and start calling churches) and ask if there is ministry that is local that helps people break porn addictions.

Do some soul-searching. Your marriage is not over unless you want it to be. Do you want to fight for it? Best wishes.

Answer 5

It depends, was this girl a really good friend of yours? If she is than your friendship should last through anything and she will love you too much to let this get in the way. If she isn't a great friend then you could carry on ignoring her un till she gets the message that she needs to give you a better apology. If you don't know if she is a true friend or not than carry on ignoring her, if she turns nasty then you know your going to have to let her go if she gets upset and you can really tell she wants to be your friend you should forgive her and explain why it hurt you so much and hopefully she will get the message and you two can be friends again. If your worried your Auntie may have forced her to apologize just ask your auntie if she is being made to apologize. I hope this was some help and hope you sort things out :)

Answer 6

I think you nailed it right on the head by saying he is now holding it over your head. He knows you didn't mean it. If you really meant it, you would have left then. I think when people get angry, they say I hate you, but what they really mean is I hate what they are doing or how they are being treated. Instead of saying I hate that you never listen to me, it comes out I hate you. I can't tell you what to do about your marriage all I can do is give you some things to think about. You said he cheated on you and he is treating you like you were the one who did something wrong. You didn't do anything wrong, you just said something in anger he was unfaithful to you and is trying to blame you for his choices. I can't tell you to leave but I can tell you I think things have gotten out of hand and possibly beyond repair. If two people aren't willing to sit down and try and work things out, than there really is nothing to work out. The trust is gone, the communication is gone and feelings have changed. Life is too short to live with someone you are not happy being around anymore. Only the two of you know whether the relationship can be saved or not.

Answer 7

It obvious from what you have just shared that he has many issues and has made many mistakes....he knows this but now since you are the one that has made the mistake he is going to do whatever he can to hold that over you and take the focus off of everything he has done to make your life miserable. He wants to make you feel bad, make you feel like you are to blame for your failing marriage and him not feeling the same way he once did.

You sound like a very dedicate and loyal woman. If you truly are then I hope you realize that you deserve better!

To answer your question, it all depends on how well you know the person and how sincere the apology is.

Answer 8

You knew all these things before you married him and married him anyway?Why?If you did NOT know then you should have waited a while longer to marry him.Sounds like you made a mistake but YOUR actions are NOT justifiable.To tell someone you hate them and beat them in the chest is cause for you to be arrested.You should be glad he didnt have you arrested for spousal abuse.The reason he wouldn't talk to you is it is obvious because you get too mad when he tries to talk, and he may not know how to communicate.You were mad enough tthat you told him you hated hi , then you hit him, you havent said a good word about him, why stay married?You BOTH need to own up to your crap and make some changes and unless BOTH of you are willing to do this then it will NEVER work.No, he is no angel, but I bet if I asked his side of the story you wouldn't sound like one either hon.Either you both go to marriage counseling or it will eventually end in divorce.

Answer 9

If my husband ever said that he hated me, I would have a really hard time forgetting that. I would always wonder about it. I hate to use the old cliche "Once a cheater, always a cheater" but that's how I feel about it. To me, that is the ultimate NO-NO in a marriage. If you don't get along most of the time and you have no kids, then maybe a trial seperation is something to think about. I'm not sure how old you are, but I got married the first time very young....and it was a big mistake.We divorced. No shame in that. Good luck!

Answer 10

You got 2 separate problems:

Your husband is addicted to pornography. Visit XXXchurch.com for a free software that will notify you when he is viewing adult content on your computer. It is an accountability software. (I dont agree with all of their beliefs, but the software is a good idea). Doesn't sound like he is ready to be honest with you so try this first to get a record of his habits. Seek a therapist for yourself first on how to approach this subject with him.

Secondly, telling him you hate him was wrong. I don't think you actually hate HIM, you hate his behavior and that is very different. He needs to be told the difference and you need to know the difference.

If he told you that he wanted to talk after the game, you should have respected that and dropped the subject until he was ready to talk. Read "Love Talk" by the Parrotts to learn how to communicate better. Your way is not the only way to do it, but that doesn't mean that he has the right to shut you out...that usually only makes us women more crazy and fearful and we end up following them from room to room. They want to talk to us, but they sometimes need to go to their "cave" for a moment of peace before they can tackle an issue. Otherwise, you can get a very explosive response if your man feels pushed in a corner or nagged to death.