Should I divorce my wife? 36, married for 8 years, 2 children under 5, love her, not in love with her...?

Question

She has no libido, there is no passion, romance, intimacy or sex in our marriage, I have laid it all out on the line with her, either she gets help or I am asking for a separation. Is it fair to anyone not to be in love or want to be loved or want to have some kind of intimate relationship especially with the one you are married to? I need more. Any advice?

Boy, some people are harsh, rude and mean, I was just looking for a little advice, let me clarify....I am a giver, always have been, my wife is a taker, she get's whatever she wants. I could care less about the sex - that would not be the reason for the divorce - all I want is to love and be loved. She never kisses me, makes the first move, holds my hand, gives me a hug, etc, etc, but she does tell me she loves me. She is a good mother and wife, lousy in the intimacy dept - there I feel better. Btw, she won't go to counseling!

Answer 1

I can sympathize with your situation as I too was in the same. First, however, I have to clarify one thing. The whole "love" but not "in love" thing is a cop out. If she won't go to counseling, you certainly need to man.
My wife presented the whole I love you but am not in love with you thing about a year ago. Today we are separated and going through a divorce. It is not something I wanted, but you can not make someone else love you, and you certainly can not force yourself to love someone else.
The first step should be counseling. As I said, if she won't go, go for yourself.
There are many more sides to this situation, I am sure. However, you need to understand yourself and gain a new persepective of the situation. If, after that, you still feel the same, then unfortunately there is probably little to save.
Relationships are tough. Divorce is even tougher.
You probably already know what you want, so explore counseling, get a good therapist and then make your decision.

Good luck, I know how hard these things can be.

Answer 2

First of all, why are you asking strangers about this? Odd.

Secondly, you have two children under five. Do you think that maybe part of the reason your wife has no libido is that she's exhausted? Demanding sex will only turn off a woman. Don't force her -- that's rape, even if you are married. Since you asked strangers' opinions, here's mine: tell her you love her and you want to make the marriage work but sex is important to you. Seek counseling for *both* of you so that you can talk to an impartial professional about your needs and her feelings. You could also maybe hire a mother's helper once in a while to help her out so she's not so tired. Rather than just focusing on what *you* want, try thinking about what your wife is dealing with and why her libido has evaporated.

Answer 3

I'm not going to win the 10 points with this but here goes -

OK so what are you doing to help her? Let's see.

You've given her an ultimatum - do as I say or else. What a great thing to do to a stressed out mom. Yeah. And while you're at it - spit on her, too.

I bet she works a full time job too - but even if she doesn't, of course, she's responsible for the children, the meals, the house, everything else - and has to be a tiger in bed too? That's not asking much is it?

And you're wondering why she's now a dead fish? Seems to me you might want to figure a way to make her fall back in love with you - or she's liable to boot you out the door.

See, a woman will take an awful lot - then the volcano erupts. It's not a pretty sight. Believe me.

How about making her feel special - as you did when you were dating? Or is that not part of the deal? I mean, she got you, Golden Boy - isn't that enough?

How about taking some of the chores on by yourself - and work with the kids, too - as you should be doing?

How about scheduling a "date" with her once or twice a month? It doesn't have to be expensive - you can even stay at home and watch chick-flix - while the kids are at grandma's - imagine that.

Answer 4

You need a marriage counselor. And what is this ridiculous crap of love, but not IN love I am always hearing?? For goodness sake, the kind of love that lasts a lifetime is solid and basic, the romance and spark are just the little perks that from time to time make life more fun and exciting. In real life, sometimes you get a lot, sometimes, not much. Tough ... that's life! Get over yourself and quit judging her. Maybe she is exhausted or sick. Maybe she needs nurturing from her husband. You want a relationship based on sex?? Well then you should not have married and had kids. You need to gain a more mature assessment of what real life and real marriage are all about. Have you even considered that your wife may be having some issues you are not aware of and could benefit from your love and concern rather than your threats? And make no mistake, you are clearly threatening her with being alone. Fear does not facilitate intimacy. Why would any woman want to be intimate with a man who can so easily and readily look to leaving her as an answer? Why would she even care about "getting help" when you have made it so very painfully obvious that your sexual wants take priority over her emotional needs? Would any sane woman out there attempt to improve herself to be with a man who clearly is so selfish? Not this woman!!! Ask me, unless you change, she is better off without you!

Answer 5

Not "In Love" with her? I think that's a saying we used to use when were kids. Marriage isn't always going to be great and I'm sure you know that. Having 2 kids will slow down the action in the bedroom but keep in mind a marriage will have it's ups and downs and one day the kids will all be gone and then your marriage can really get "Good". It's hard not to have passion, romance or sex and I hate to be the be the one with the bad news but it might not be just her. I feel tired and so not in the mood when I get home from work. My husband has learned saying "hey you wanna go at it" doesn't get me going. He now knows a nice massage and maybe a hot bath will help and some days it just doesn't happen. However, I still feel we have passion and love in our relationship just some times more than others. Maybe get some counseling together and see if that helps. Divorce is not the answer. You promised to love her until death do us part not until the she has your 2 kids and isn't in the mood anymore and the sex, romance and passion isn't there. Threatning to leave her if she doesn't put out is probably only making it worse. Having 2 young kids in the house is never easy but one day it will get easier! You need to stick it out the reward in the end is great!

Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 6

I hear you. The worst thing in a relationship is not feeling loved by your significant other.

So are you in love with her or do you just love her as a person? If you are confused- no wonder her libido is so low!

If you are not IN love with her, she will certainly sense that and why would she sleep with someone that is not reciprocating the emotions of love with her?

Sorry to say- but it sounds like you are the problem. If you truly love her and want her libido to go up, do all the things you use to do when you were dating. Take her out, give her surprises, and tell her you really love her and everything else you can think of.

Most married women with children are too busy taking care of the house and looking after the kids, so they are exhausted to think about anything else. Get some sitters, take her out on a date, be romantic with her and you'll see she will start reacting with you.

Decide that you will be in love with her again and do everything you could for her feel it. I guarantee if you do this - you will get the affection you desire.

Last question- is your family not worth you being a little less sexually active?

You have children that love, honor and look up to you. How can anyone leave them because they feel that you don’t get laid often enough? That isn’t fair to them. Do you want your children to call someone else daddy? You will eventually feel like you are abandoning them – because you did. Don’t let this happen. Work on your relationship and everything will work out.

Whenever you have relationship problems, always look at your self first before you start blaming your spouse. Chances are if you are giving out overwhelming amounts of love (and romance) you will certainly and abundantly get it back (two fold).

Good luck and God bless,

Answer 7

I understand what you're saying; it can be very frustrating but you have a family now---you have a wife and 2 young kids, you cannot be this selfish. Also, this may be a temporary thing. She may be going through some personal issues, maybe she's a little depressed...who knows. As a loving husband and father, you should be seekign ways how to fix the situation not just get up and leave. Maybe plan a romantic getaway for just the 2 of you to let her know she's still special to you... give her flowers for no reason. Women need that type of attention =)
Good luck and I wish you and your family all the best !

Answer 8

Not really in my category b/c I have never been married, but have had lasting relationships that didn't turn out the way I wanted to but I hope this will help you. For the kids? They need their mom and pops. For you two? Has she recently had your two kids? If so, then its possible you got to work with her to get "that" which got those two kids. You're gonna have to be malleable, bend a little, b/c she bended and disfigured her body to have those kids. All we ( men) have to do is get the shaft loaded and ready for some more of the action. Get some alone time together to find out what you need to do to help her get that old flame back. NOW, hopefully that's the case, cause it happened to me but mine was not a happy ending....that ending was that I found out she was seeing another guy. She was maybe bored or wanted a change along with the changes of being a new mother. It was also long distance that played a factor and her parents too. Pray and talk with her if it doesn't work after time then do what's best for the kids. May God be in the decisions you make. And oh yeah, no professional counselors, find within yourself the answer only you know what's best.

Answer 9

I see that you have "laid it all out on the line with her", but did you really talk with her? There may be something more underlying that she hasn't been able to communicate with you. I understand that most men believe that sex is a very important part of a marriage, (my husband is one of them), but you took vows to be with her until death do you part, for better or worse. Have you considered sex counseling? How about role playing? 2 children under the age of 5 can be rather stressful on her. How about sending the kids to grandma/grandpa's for the evening or weekend and just spend time with her? Do you help with the kids? Maybe she needs some additional help and by the end of the day is exhausted and sex just isn't something she is looking for at the moment. You do know that you can be intimate without being sexual right??? Talk with her, spend some quality alone time with her. Let her know that you are going to stand by her and support her and maybe your sex life will increase. Sex isn't everything. If you are just unhappy about the sex then you need to talk about it with her not at her. Not getting sex at home is no reason to file for a divorce... at least not in my book. I've been married for 20 years and went through the same thing... work with her and it may improve.... Good luck!!

Answer 10

As with any problem in a marriage, if you have put it out there and tried to communicate and work through the problem but she is not willing to meet you half way, then yes, you do have that right...statistics show that in time, the communication will also fail in other areas of the marriage. Many people in your situation will stay for the kids.....I've learned from experience that this is not fair to you, your wife or to the kids...because in time they only get old enough to see just how miserable you are...and then what are you teaching them.....that marriage does not have to be built off of love and passion! You deserve to be loved and shown love and intimacy!