What do you do when you find out your 13 year old daughter is having sex?

Question

I just found out that my 13 year old daughter is having sex with her boyfriend. My daughter and I are VERY close. We have had very open discussions about abstinence. Obviously, it didn't sink in. I just don't know what to do now. I don't want her to be on birth control because I feel that sends the wrong message to her. But I am not so niave to think that they won't try to sneak and do it again. Anybody have any advice. Oh, and I also am making her go to gynocologist for an exam and a talking to from the doctor.

My daughter and her boyfriend are not normally allowed to be unsupervised. It happened when she walked home from school. I have talked to the boyfriends parents. They have talked to their son. We are planning to get together so ALL of us can sit and discuss this. We are not a family of loose morals. My husband and I are VERy involved in our kids lives. It isn't a situation of us not paying attention.

I just wanted to add that my daughter has maintained all A's through school. She has never given me trouble. She has always been very responsible, level headed good kid. This is completely out of character for her.

Answer 1

Thirteen is much too young to being a having a boyfriend and and certainly way to young to be unsupervised. You may argue all you want, but, "Grandma," you have screwed up.

Answer 2

I know you do not want to put her on birth control, but when I found out the same thing, I gave the option to my daughter out of fear. She refused it, saying I was calling her a whore. Four months later she was pregnant. She was 16 years old. As much as you try to keep the lines of communication open, there are some children who you cannot reach. My other two didn't have pre-marital sex. You are not going to be able to control her now, and she would be better off on birth control or do not let her have a boyfriend. This will be no guarantee either as she will sneak around behind your back. While you are at it, she should be vaccinated against HPVs.

Answer 3

whatever you do don't scream at her... I am 14 and understand your daughters mind set. When you yell at her she will go straight to her boyfriend for comfort somewhere where they are alone and unsupervised (in other words bad idea). Tell her that this behavior is unacceptable and that you trusted her with the responsibility of having a boyfriend and she broke that trust. Tell her she can see that boyfriend under a supervised eye or when with friends (that you trust) but pretty much always with an adult until you feel she has regained your trust. And that when she wants a new boyfriend he will have to meet with both you and your husband to see if they are a good influence on her. Do not put her on birth control unless she starts a new relationship with another guy because she will no longer be allowe dto be alone at anytime. Instead of walking home you get one of your friends or her friend's mothers to talk her home. Make her talk to someone about the pain of pregnancy and the risks of death during pregnancy someone such as a doctor. Also make her learn about every std out there and the statistics of catching them and then make her tell you all this information she has learned with no paper or anything to guide her so you know that she actually knows it all. You may also want her to see a counselor so when she is upset she has a trusted adult to talk to.

Good Luck

Answer 4

It's good that you're taking her to the gynocologist. You should sit down and have a good talk with her about it, stressing the main point thta 13 is too young for sex, but don't opress her. You want her to continue to tell you all about what's happening. If she says she will continue, then you should get her birth control. You daughter's safety is the main thing here. Oh, you should check out the rules about minors having sex. There may be something you can do. If he's over 18, it's statuatory rape- press charges if you want itu to stop, but it might ruin the boy's life.

Answer 5

I agree with what you are doing. Again I know that you don't want to make it seem like it's okay fo rher to have sex, but wouldn't you rather be dealing with just the sex then sex and a baby. You're right they will do it if they want to do it and sadly there is not a whole lot parents can do about it. All those parents who think that they can are wrong. I don't say that to be mean it's just that kids are very smart and if they want to do something they are going to do it. Now i'm not saying to stop trying either. I think you should keep your communication as open as possible. If you know anyone with a baby, see if you can watch it for the night and make her take care of it. Ask her if she's ready for that. I agree also with showing her pictures of the STD's and telling her about the things that she would experience with these. This is a tough situation and I wish you good luck.

Answer 6

My suggestion, since I had my sister-in-law (teenager) living with me, is to sit down and talk to her like an adult. Since she believes that she is responsible enough and old enough to have sex, then she's responsible enough and old enought to get a job and pay her way. She can get a babysitting job. This will show two things. One, being an adult is not fun. She will pay for all of her hygiene items. Two, is baby's are not fun. Personally, I would put her on birth control. It's not condoning the act, it's protecting her if an accident were to happen. She will have sex again, there is no doubt about that. Unless she gets a hell-ion for a babysitting job. One would only hope though.

Answer 7

I agree with you about abstinence, but, if she is sexually active you might as well make sure that she is protected. Get her started on birth control pills and go with her to purchase some condoms. Continue to stress the fact that there is no better protection from pregnancy and std's than abstinece. Make sure she understands that pills alone won't protect her from std's. Then you will have done all you can to protect her. By helping her be safe you will also be keeping the communication lines open. You wouldn't be sending her the wrong message just the safe one.
Good Luck

Answer 8

You have an open relationship which is good. I don't believe any thirteen year old should have a boyfriend, or the opportunity to be alone with a young man, however it has happened and you really need to work towards preventing any larger problems. You really want to sit down and have the discussion as to all the risk of being sexually active, all the precautions. And all the effects physical and emotional.

You have to face the fact that you daughter is sexually active at the tender age of 13. Abstinence talks obviously didn't work, if you want her to be protected you may have to think about birth control. She is most likely going to continue to be sexually active, as much as you disagree you need to go above and beyond to protect her.

Really talk about the risks of sex, talk about ST D's, Pregnancy, the relationship between physical and emotional intimacy. Talk about how sex can be exploitative , talk about the double standards between a sexually active young man and woman. Talk to her about what a huge responsibility sex is, and be prepared for her not to listen to a word of it.

Answer 9

Apparently, you already know what to do. Open communication is the main key. You're already talking to your daughter and his parents about the situation. I, too, do think allowing her to be on birth control is giving consent that's not really right. Although, if she doesn't use birth control, the problems can become even more devastating. Maybe, taking her to a foster home for pregnant teens will help. If she sees kids her own age in trouble, she may think twice about what she's doing.

Good Luck.

Answer 10

Well, that is kind of hard. I am sure that she will be intimidated from the doctor and probably scared for a while, but I wouldn't count on it lasting if I were you. Have you talked to her boyfriend about it? I would probably scare the living daylights out of him if I were you! lol! You could also threaten her with supervised visits whenever she is around her boyfriend. Hopefully some of those ideas might help. Best of luck!

Answer 11

Sorry Best Answer, YOU have screwed up in your attitude, In our Culture of Sex and loose morals, and a decline in religion and belief in God.. its no small wonder these kids are making bad decisions.. Anger  at this behavior is not the answer.. yes you are right on more supervision, but kids will find ways ,even in the best of households.. This woman is right to want to discuss and re inforce values, point out consequences, set rules, and GUIDE these Children to becoming responsible adults.. Did I mention Love?? this is the most important thing right now..