do any of you hav trouble looking people in the eyes when talking to them? if so reply here?

Question

i have this problem. im scared that if i look too long at them they will think im staring at them(or intimidating). and if i dont look enough they would think im not interested or not listening to them(or angry with them).
i always think about this when talkin to someone and usually end up looking at them at awkward moments..sometimes staring or sometimes not looking at all. and they get the wrong impression of me!!
it doesnt come to me NATURALLY..so how the hell do i deal with this! any tips of when to actually look at someone when talking to them?

Answer 1

Well if you are talking to someone, you don't have to look directly into their eyes. If you have a problem looking into their eyes then at least look like you're interested. Turn your head to the side to show them that you are listening to them. (turn your ear to them)
If that doesn't work then put a smile on and 'cheer' your eyes up. They should put a smile on as well.

Answer 2

Well here's what I would say. This is a cultural phenomenon. It is common to have listeners look you in the eyes the entire time when you are talking to them, as well as it is to have the speaker *intermittently* look at the listener in the eyes. It's different in the Middle East and Southeast Asia, but it's something that is very common here.

Trust me, I've thought about the same thing. But as easy as it is to give you the advice of "don't think about it too much," I would say that you should look away when you are trying to pull something out of your memory. Such as if you can't think of a word temporarily, or you're trying to remember a detail in a story you are telling. I would try to look them in the eyes while speaking more often than not because it shows weakness and a lack of confidence. A speaker who stares the listener in the eyes the entire time while talking can seem overbearring and intimidating. So if you want to get specific but still ballparking, if you are the speaker I would go with the ratio of 75% look into eyes of the listener, 25% not; If you are the listener I would recommend looking into the speakers eyes almost 100% of the time. If you are talking to more than one person, you could switch from eyes to eyes of the different listeners evenly without looking away.

Answer 3

Worrying about if you are looking at someone for too long, or not long enough is part of the problem. The worrying is keeping it from happening normally. Your over-thinking the issue will make you seem weird when you do look at them. Stop worrying and thinking about it so much.

Obviously, you look at people when they are speaking directly to you. You can look away for a fraction of a second, from time to time, if the constant eye contact is too much for you. The same applies when you are speaking to someone. If you do not look at someone when you are speaking to them it will feel strange for them. As you get to know the person better it will get easier to gauge what and how much eye contact is needed.

Sometimes when people have trouble making eye contact it is because they have a little problem with self-esteem. I think the bottom line is to believe that the person that you are talking is friendly and interested in you ....and to believe that you are likeable and interesting. This will make you feel more confident, and make it easier to make eye contact without feeling weird. Don't worry so much.

Answer 4

I have trouble with this, too, and it's because my Dad would never look you in the eye when talking to you, and I picked it up. I went to a seminar, and the instructor there said that you need to watch the length of time people keep eye contact with you. When they look away, they've reached their limit, you break eye contact. Really, I find the best thing to do is chill out and not think about it. I know that's hard, but you've just gotta relax a little. Your worried attitude is going to come across. People are more open to someone who's relaxed. Good luck.

Answer 5

Right brain types tend to develop a look away talk method, they listen with the left side then when they switch to the right side form a reply or answer the look to the left down and away its something that just happens. You sound like its possible you have just developed a complex regarding this! stop thinking about it.

The reason that rights develop a look away method is so they can form an answer. They have to think with the right side of there brain which is also the visual side, turning down and away prevents visual cues from affecting their reply.

The right side can process lots of imformation all at the same time so its easy for a right brain to get distracted when trying to speak if they are looking at someone or something.

Lefts process one thing at a time in a very orderly fashion, most people are left. however i think thats changing

Answer 6

Yes, I have this problem too. I have never thought about why I can't, and I think it's like what you said. I have to force myself to look at them in the eyes, but after a couple of seconds I have to drop them again. I find it easier look down or watch myself fiddle with something in my hand, while showing the person that I'm listening by responding to them even without looking at them. Just look up into their eyes every now and then to show you are paying attention.

Answer 7

I used to have that problem until......
I met this girl that never ever stops talking. She goes on and on about nothing for as long as she can get you to stay in the same room. I tryed not looking at her at all to show that I wasnt interested, but that didnt bother her, she just kept on going. So what I've learned from this is that .. if a person wants to say something to you, they dont care where your eyes are just as long as you halfway apear to be listening.

Answer 8

You don't have to look at people who are talking to you; just look at them from time to time and show how you feel about what they say by smiling or may be saying that you're sorry to let them know you're following with them; because sometimes it's looking people in the eyes for somehow a long time that would pull your attention away from what they're saying and you will be embarrassed not to know how to answer when they finish their talking; people won't think you're angry with them if you show them your smile, they might think you're shy or something, but it's okay; lots of people think shy people are attractive:
In general, you don't have to look at people all the time they are talking to you; just follow with them and be yourself,and look at them calmly when you're talking to them.

Answer 9

lol, i used to have the problem of eye contact ...i just hated looking people in their eyes. it felt funny. but i had a teacher who would not stop looking into our eyes when she talked to us that i just got over it. now i always look people directly in the eyes. you don't have to stare like a fool but you don't always have to look away either. pick and choose the situations and what type of contact is needed. just stop thinking so much about it and ir will come naturally in do time. how about practicing with a relative or someone you are totally comfortable with.

Answer 10

I am glad you ask this question. There is also a cultural thing and upbringing. It is not to say right or wrong, but in some culture to stare at ones eyes while you are talking considered as rude and arrogant. Specially, the one you are talking with is your elder you should stare at him/her at all.If you come to the west culture, if you don't look straight when you are talking you will be considered as your are dishonest, hide something to the person you are talking, as a person with inferiority complex, etc. I think, there is a saying, "when you are in Rome be as a Romans". However, I will advise you to be yourself. It is very hard to please everybody in this world.