How come I was so stupid? And how do I stop it happening again?

Question

My father was violently, sexually & psychologically abusive.
I married a man (&later left) who abused me pschcologically, telling me I was stupid, fat, embarrassing and trying to control who I was with etc, and isolating me from my family. I didn't see him as abusive, until my sis highlighted his behaviour (& he cheated on me too).
My ex b/f, displayed behaviour which I shall list. I never saw it as abusive until a Y! answerer suggested it.

He hit things when angry, shouted & swore at me, overly sensitive, jekyll/hyde, road rage, drove dangerously to scare me, made me feel guilty if I didn't spend enough time with him in group situ's, told me what to think, say & feel, discounted my feelings, didn't listen, finished my sentences & argued back at something I hadn't said, pushed me to do things I didn't want to, 'always right', made me question myself, alpha-male.
How can I avoid attracting / falling for men like this in future? I'm just falling for my dad over & over again :-(

Answer 1

You continually ask the same question over and over in Yahoo. The problem is that you are living day to day in the same tight, vicious circle. You dont want to break out of it, you are happier, safer, repeating the same thing over and over again. It is far easier for you to talk about breaking free than to actually do it.

Stop.

You are a fantastic person with a hell of a lot to offer this world but you will never achieve your dreams and get what you deserve if you continue in this way.

You need to break the circle, you need to actually TAKE ACTION rather than wallowing in self pity otherwise you will continue this route for the rest of your life.

You clearly dont have the strength right now to do this .. you are suffering and need support. The very best thing you can do is get professional help. Samaritans wont do as they are at the end of a phone line, you need to go to your GP and get referred to a counsellor. Someone who is trained to listen without prejudice and who has the skills to take all that will pour out of you and help you put your life back together in a constructive positive way.

You can do it .. we all need help in our lives so make sure you get some .. I am rooting for ya x

Answer 2

well, building up your self esteem is trhe cure and healing from past abuse. People who have self esteem and self respect usually know when they are being abused. They treat themselves in the 3rd person and so protect this person that is them from any kind of bad treatment. Think about it, if you had a child, how will you protect them? Will you let anyone talk to them like any of those men talked to you?
The best part is that you now see the pattern and the problem. That is the first step. I highly recommend a therapist who will help you with this because without any real model of what a mutual respectful relationship should look like, you may not be able to teach this to yourself.
Good luck and remember, you are already halfway to the solution by already knowing there is a problem

PS: If you can't afford a therapist, go to the self help section of a barnes and nobles or borders and find books that youj can read to help you depending on what your current biggest problem is.

Answer 3

You are looking for your comfort zone, by choosing partners that are similar to your father. Take some time out to get to know the real you, when you are happy with who you are then you can start the dating game again. Knowing that you wont try and fall back into your comfort zone. There is a really great website for adults that have survived abuse in all shapes and forms in their childhood, they offer free support and advice. It's run by people that have been the victims of abuse in their childhood so these guys understand what you are going through. The address is nacap.org.uk Hope this helps.x

Answer 4

Oh poor you! It seems that we always fall for a certain "type" of bloke - usually one thats no good! The only thing you can do is get out of the relationship asap if you notice any of the above behaviour. Anyone who loves you will want you to be you. He wont try and change you, call you names etc. Your sister sounds like a good person to confide in - Im sure she will tell you if she thinks any new b/f is wrong for you. Perhaps counselling would be a good option re your dad? Good luck and dont despair!

Answer 5

I went through the same situation as you described. My Dad and my ex.

It's a hell that can only be broke by you. I needed to learn to be strong from those situations but not strong enough to be willing to do it again. I had to find my independent self structure. I had to learn how I mentally worked, what's acceptable and what's not from others, and hold my own. Of course, we all know what's said acceptable and not but to truly gain insight to that is something we all need to do alone. I spent 4 years to myself (stayed out of relationships). I did alot of thinking, hung out with my girlfriends on Saturday nights, worked, wrote, and read.

I found what is acceptable to me, what is not. After not being in a relationship or dating for a while once I started I could tell by the smallest action or word used by a male while speaking to me if they were worth my time and mind. Alot of guys, didn't make it through an entire date with me. I wasn't mean about it, I just said, this won't work for me. I never had intentions of looking for a relationship. Then one day, one of my male friends and I just seemed to connect and been together ever since. He has never done anything wrong to me, not even call me out of my name playing around.

Answer 6

You are attracted to what you know and grew up with. In a way it feels comfortable to you because you know whats going on. To overcome and abusive past you best get help through counseling and support groups. It will feel strange at times when you develop healthy relationships because you lack the references but it can be done. Good Luck.

Answer 7

Hey, well all i wanted to say was that getting conselling is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. go forth find out from councelling why u have found in the past this behaviour acceptable ...ect. u have made the first step towards a wonderful prosperous life!

all the best, but hey looking at things u wont need it!

Answer 8

there isn't a lot you're able to do if the human beings in charge do not supply a monkey's toss, yet while i grow to be on your footwear, i could visit ther nearest puppy save and purchase the main vicious anti-mate spray which you would be able to get hold of and plaster your Whippets rear end with at. it will make the homestead scent like lemons and with any success the Doberman will returned off. Doberman's by utilizing nature are actually not the brightest canines interior the worldwide and, regrettably, they have an inclination to be a stable tournament for his or her vendors. in step with danger in case you spray the doorstep too, and be conscious it very generously, in the previous it arrives, it could reason the owner slightly aggravation while his dogs is refusing to head interior your homestead and doubtless then he will start to think of approximately issues for his very own canines sake. Failing that, circulate out. in case you pay on your save, possibly even the prospect of dropping the money you pay your mum will make her pay interest. Sorry i won't be able to be anymore effective yet there fairly isn't a lot extra you're able to do, until eventually you discover out what provides the Doberman the shits, foodstuff sensible, and lace him with it quietly, no one will observe a manage here and a manage there. some doses of diarrhoea over the carpet and fixtures will supply your mum something to think of approximately, and with a Doberman there'll be fairly various it I might desire to think of, in spite of the undeniable fact that being a dogs proprietor and lover myself, i could purely use this as an extremely final hotel. in certainty, i could be tempted to attempt it on the Doberman's proprietor first because of the fact by utilizing the sounds of it, this is HIM who fairly merits it, not his dogs.

Answer 9

I have the utmost sympathy for your past and predicament. I hope you can recover from the abuse you have suffered and I can honestly say that not all men are like that and I believe one day you will find someone who understands what you have been through and will treat you as you deserve.
Good luck

Answer 10

stop dating the bad boy. now you know how that story ends and it will never change, so put that old book down and open up a new page in a new book. start dating, and go for the guy who gets nervous around you. at least this way you'll know that he cares what you think of him. take care and let me know if you need to talk. R.