Why can't people see that people even with criminal pasts can change their life around?

Question

Why won't people accept the fact that everyone has a past. Things that they are asshamed of.. That anyone can change how their future could turn out to be.. Why can't people boost them up and support them through the process of changing instead of tearing them down and telling them they can't?

I know my fiance's past and appreciate that he is trying to change his life.. Why can't others?

He didn't kill, rape and is not a sex offender.. He got into trouble with drugs and stole a few things..

Answer 1

You're in a tough situation. I can tell you from personal experience it takes a lot of work to change.

When I started dating my (now) husband - I fell head over heels. He was so cute, he was working and he was a great kisser.

Well...about a two months into our relationship I got a call at work from a police officer who advised me my (then) boyfriend had been arrested for stealing gas. My heart sank. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how I felt nothing.

I retreated...went to hang out with my mom for the night. When I went home to my apartment my roomates told me had tried calling all night long (as often as the jail would let him.) I was scared to death - i didn't know what I was embarking on but I knew I loved him.

Well...turns out he did steal the gas - I'm still not really sure why to this day - we had money. He went back to my apartment (I was at work) and got really drunk - because he knew the police were coming. He ended up jumping out of a second story window and running from the police - they could have shot him!

Turns out he was wanted in another county in the state we lived in as well for something he hadn't taken care of with an old girlfriend - so we had the gas incident and then this other thing.

We look at it now as an intervention from a higher power. He was held for the gas theft and then, even though it was sitting in front of the guard, HOLD FOR ANOTHER COUNTY, they let him go.

It's crazy I know...but after talking through our issues he went and turned himself in and served out his sentence.

10 years later we're married and he's never had any problems since then.

I would encourage you to stay with your man - if you truly love him he's worth the challenge.

You can't let your decisions be clouded by what others think either.

My family, friends all thought I was settling. I don't believe anyone but my mom knew about his past but they believed I deserved better.

You know...there maybe men out there who have lived "clean" lives...but none of them have loved me the way my husband has.

Good luck to you!

Answer 2

The answer is that people are naturally biased and want to protect themselves. It is theoretically correct that someone committing a crime has paid for it for the time served and should be able to start with a clean slate. But if that is totally true, why would there be a record. And I think most people believe the label of convict is part of the punishment for life.

One thing for sure, time served sure does NOT equal remorse or the person's commitment not to repeat the crime. Study of several types of criminal offense indeed shows that they repeat. That's why communities don't want child molesters, people with certain records cannot serve on boards of listed companies or become their financial controllers, or have any chance of running for the president of the US. Why? It is a trust issue and public interest at large is at stake. Citizens' outcry for protection far exceeds the privacy of these criminals.

You sound like having a chip on your shoulder. That is the danger. Society has generally agreed to give these people a chance. But society does NOT owe them (it is the opposite). Society once fell victim to the criminals' actions and has the right to be cautious. You make it as criminals are victims of society's actions. You got it backward. Society is not obligated to welcome a criminal back with a good job and a big house!! His family and friends may.

A society can offer second chances. It is an act of forgiveness. In some cases, the argument is if programs are not there to help the criminals, the cost to society of repeated crimes would be even bigger. So it more like buying insurance. It is indeed an uphill battle for the person with a past. He can be bitter and return to his criminal past. That is his perogative.

You often see from this column the question how can a spouse who once cheated regain the trust. This is no different.

Answer 3

I applaud you for looking past his mistakes. There will always be people that will shun him because of the poor decisions he made. That is why it is so great he found someone like you. Continue to stand by his side no matter what others say as long as you continue to see the change.

I think a lot of people find it hard to change because of all the berating they receive from others. Their spirit gets beaten down and they return to their old ways. Continue to encourage and love him. That is the only thing you can do for him right now.

Everyone makes mistakes. I have made some questionable choices (as has most) and I would hope that people can look past that. I continually try to improve who I am as a person and that is all I expect of others.

Answer 4

some may have been given chance after chance already by family and friends but still then continued to get in trouble. therefore when they finally do straighten up the family and friends are beyond believing its true. like the boy who cried wolf. this person will now have to actually prove that this time it is for real by his/her successful change already in place. not just promised. it takes time to regain the faith when you have let someone down. someone with a criminal past is sure to have let someone down deeply. some don't always think about others and what they have to deal with because of their actions.
if someone robbed you at gun/knife point or burglerized your home while you were gone or your store while you were not not looking would you not feel a huge violation and continue to live in fear of that person? a rape victom feels the same towards their attacker. different crimes yes but for the victom it can sometimes feel all the same. so to say he only stole and did drugs is not really thinking about the real problem

Answer 5

Never. When I was younger I did date someone who hid the fact they had a criminal record. It didn't work out and I found out that he had one. Fast forward 16 years, and um, yeah, he's still the same. It's rare for someone to truly change; it would take a lot of time and effort for them to correct negative behavioral patterns. Even if they were enrolled in university, I still would not date them.

Answer 6

Others can, but you have to give them the time to see that he has truly changed. They aren't going to accept him in YOUR time, they will accept him in THEIR time. Not to mention that you don't truly know the depth of the pain he may have caused others. You cannot expect everyone to just up and forgive because he says he's doing well or because he has done some good things.

When you get involved with drugs, etc it makes it harder to let the past go as many end up right back where they started.

Instead of complaining about it just keep being supportive and understanding of all sides.

Answer 7

It's sort of like stock options. Past performance is no guarantee of the future, but people still are influenced by track records.
If a person has truly changed, the opinion of others will be proved wrong by deed, and they don't need to concern themselves with prejudice against them.
On the other-hand if you can support and encourage someone without putting yourself at risk, it is a great thing to do.

Answer 8

He wasn't a "child" when he made these "mistakes", and that says a lot about his character. People can change habbits and routines (stop smoking, etc), but their character rarely changes once they are adults. He was in prison for three reasons: he had poor self control and low integrity, and he got caught.

Offhand, I'd say that even if he does manage to stay out of prison in the future (and that's not very likely), then he's still going to have problems with integrity and self-control most likely.

Answer 9

People can change and more likely to stick with the changes in a supportive environment. My husband used to fight, drink and do drugs all the time. Ended up in jail more times than i care to count. But since we have been together, he has sobered up, no more drugs and no more fighting. I support him and i think that helps. When he gets mad i stand by him and whisper to him to not throw it all away on an idiot.
I understand there are those who cant change, but there are a lot who can and do.

Answer 10

Misery likes company. People that usually are not doing well themselves do not want to see other people do better than themselves. It's like the cliche of 3 best friends. 2 pretty girls and 1 really unattractive one. The pretty girls ask the unattractive one to go out with them all the time just so the guys will talk to the pretty ones and not her, so they will feel good about themselves.