I know the first year is suppose to be hard but...?

Question

He feels that its all about me all the time and i feel like its all about him. I come home from and ask what he wants for supper and clean whatever needs to be cleaned. He's a nurse so he doesnt work all week. He clames he doesnt cook because he doesnt do a good job. he doesnt let the dog out when he gets up i do it when i get home. I do pretty much anything for him. I dont feel appriciated. He does help clean up but if he sees that i'm cleaning he wont ask to help he'll just go watch tv. we've been married 2 months now and have been having problems the whole time. He claims that he's the one giving in all the time and i guess that's why he feels like it's all about me. I dont want him to give in i want to come up with a solution to the problems. we always argue about the same things and he cant understand why. I'm to the point where i'm starting not to care. i'm a lovy dovy person and for a bout a week now i'm just keeping my distance.

Right after i got fed up and started distancing myself from him is the time that he decided he's going to try harder. I really dont think this is going to happen. He puts himself first for everything and i put him first. I know i should try but i really dont feel that he's going to try. I'm tired of feeling unappriciated. I've told him how i feel many times. What do i do?

Answer 1

Actually, the first year IS a period of adjustment (especially if you didnt live together before you got married) but it shouldnt be HARD.

However, I dont think that what you two are "fighting" about is that big of a deal. It sounds more like lack of communication then anything. What you need to do is sit down and talk (when BOTH of you are in a good mood, ready to LISTEN and arent distracted by things like FOOTBALL). You need to write a list of all the things that YOU do (he writes all the things HE does) around the house and even outside the house. Then write a list of all the things your SPOUSE does around the house. Compare lists! You may be surprised at how much he THINKS he does and vice versa. Then the discussion can begin! THEN you start talking about how to EVEN OUT the lists to where BOTH of you are doing the same amount of "chores" and neither of you are feeling used and unappreciated!

This will also work w/ other things. Where both of you write a list of the things you LIKE about one another and things the IRRITATE you (like him leaving clothes all over instead of putting them in the hamper). Then compare THOSE lists.... it will open the lines of communication between the two of you. Just try to make sure you LIKE list is much longer then you "dislikes!!" You dont want to be TOO HARD on each other!!

I hope that helps!!
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Oh... and as far as those who have said that you should face it.. you will have ALL the chores and the men wont help at all?!? NOT TRUE! If you TEACH your man right.. he'll be willing to do WHATEVER you ask him to! I'm a stay at home mom and my husband works 40+ hours a week.. yet he still comes home every night and makes dinner (of course he LIKES to cook). He also helps me fold laundry, vaccuum, do the bathrooms, and usually he will do the dishes too. Then of course he does ALL the outside work! So... see, if they TRULY love you and if you dont EXPECT them to do it, but ask them for thier help (and TEACH them right)... they WILL turn into FINE husbands!! RIGHT NOW is the time though to let him know what you expect.. b/c after 2-3 yrs of letting him do what he's doing and he will expect it forever!

ALSO.. dont EVER be a "honey do" wife!! I have friends whos husbands are MISERABLE b/c as SOON as they get home from work they have a list of things to do a mile long. When they are home for the weekend or off for vacations... they STILL have to work at home for thier wives! That to me is just not fair. Plus I would rather spend time WITH my hubby.... the grass being mowed can wait as far as I'm concerned!

Answer 2

My guess is that you both are very young.

You are both going to have to work at the marriage to make it last. A couple just doesn't get married and everything is all OK from that point on. Marriage is about 2 people sharing their lives, responsibilities, hopes, dreams, work, hardships, and so much more. It's not always easy, but the best things in life do not come easy. Talk to him... tell him you want some quality time and if he helps you get the chores done, you will have some more time together.

Answer 3

I just got married. My first year was awesome! What we did was actually write out a responsibilities plan on paper and keep it nearby, although at this point we don't look at it much. Make a right and left column and start with the house bills. Get on paper who is paying for what so it's done. Then choose the same number of rooms in the house to clean once a week. When something isn't getting paid or cleaned you can look to see who's responsible. It works for my wife and I. If your new hubby claims he is doing stuff it should show on paper right?

Answer 4

The first year should be easy because you are both so in love with each other that you will do anything for the other. Your situation sounds like only one person at most feels that way. You both made a commitment to each other, so you need to sit down and work it out. If you and him both are not willing to work it out, it will not get any better. Ask each other why you married each other and what are you willing to do to keep that. All marriages have struggles & fights, but good marrages are when these can be resolved together because you love each other enough to work it out. But it is not 50/50 you both must give 100%!

Answer 5

He's not going to change. If you leave or distance yourself more than you are already, he'll say he's going to change, but a week later things will be right back where they are now. People on here seem to think that counseling is the answer to every marriage problem; I say if one person in the marriage can't act like an adult, the other shouldn't have to teach him or train him. He's a grown man. Of course he knows that you do all the cleaning, and that it's not fun, but needs to be done. As a responsible adult, he should take it upon himself to help or initiate basic maintenance. He's just being lazy, and he'll keep doing it as long as you allow it.

Answer 6

Did you two date for long before you got married? Sounds like you need to get to "know" each other a bit more. Take a deep breath and calmly talk to your husband, if he thinks that he doesn't do a good job cooking, do it together! It can be fun and it can bring you closer. Don't panic and don't think you can't work thru this, use your "lovey doveyness" to your advantage, when cleaning, toss him the dust rag and tell him you'll reward him ;) for a job well done! What you are encountering is classic, don't ask him what he wants for dinner, take intitiative and just make whatever, most men don't want to be bothered with that stuff. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed, just means you both have to work harder at it. Don't be afraid to approach your parents for advice, Good luck!

Answer 7

The first two months don't sound happy as they should. You need to nip this in the bud. If you let it fester any longer it will get worse.

You need to sit down and disuse all the issues. Maybe you could divide the chores among the two of you. This might ease your pain and he might realize what all has to be done. Maybe he does not think there is too much work around the house. I leave my husband list this way he does things I know needs done. Otherwise he does not do anything he does not think the floor is dirty in some rooms cause he does not go in them.

Hope things get better. Just remember to talk about it and don't let it get bottled up cause it will get worse.

Answer 8

Everyone has some growing up to do. Yes, even after marrying. You included, so don't think I'm only speaking of your "stubborn" beau. Marriage takes a lot of time, hardwork, prayer, faith, effort, blood sweat & tears. So to think that your problems would be solved in a year or even in 10...is underestimating what being married is all about.

I tell people constantly that to become married is to accept the other person no matter what. I made up my mind at a very young age (like 10-ish) that I didn't believe in divorce. So as a child, I'd resolved to never marrying because most marriages end in divorce (at least those I knew about). Yet @ 18, I found myself in love with & marrying my huband (now of 9+ yrs). Was it easy? Heck, nah...Is it easy? Yeah, right. Marriage is not about comfort, easy, "fair", It's about wanting to be with the other no matter how difficult he circumstances or however unforgivable the offense,or however outrages the situation. I'm in for the long haul. I don't believe in making promises that I can't keep. Saying "I do" is to give your word to ... (whatever you'd vowed) & we did the traditional:
From this day forward,
For better, for worse,
For richer, for poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love and to cherish,
'Till death do us part

The key thing to remember is that as Jehovah shows unconditional love, forgiveness, mercy, compassion--we're to extend the same to our spouse (regardless of the return) and to each other as well.

Answer 9

Well first off, don't get too upset, it has only been 2 months.
You need to clarify what each of your responsibilities are.
If you agree, then ask him why he's not holding his end up.
If you don't agree then you are going to have to start setting boundaries. Let him do his own laundry, cook his own dinner, etc.

If he's stubborn then stop doing things for him until he agrees to help out.

If you're the one at home the most, then those are things that you will probably end up doing more than he does but, there's no reason that he can't help when he's home.

Answer 10

If you feel like he's not doing his fair share perhaps u can sit down and divide the house work between u. Maybe he just doesn't know what u expect of him. Perhaps his mother did everything and he doesn't know any different. When I realized that my hubby wasn't a mind reader and I started speaking up, things went much smoother