How long is too long???

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now and I am really ready to get married. He knows this and tells me that he is not ready yet but we will ONE day. He also said that he is afraid that I will get tired of waiting and leave him if he doesn't ask soon enough. I do not want to give him an ultimatum on this because I only want to marry someone who truly wants to marry me. So how do I wait??? I know that sounds stupid but it hurts to know that he isn't ready yet and I've been ready for two years. I love him more than I can put into words but I think without marriage I may never truly be completely happy. But if I marry anyone else I also don't think I will every truly be happy either. I need some HELPFUL advice.
Thanks

Here are a few more details. I am 28 and he is 26, I do have two children who get along fabulously with him, from a previous marriage.

Answer 1

hope this helps. try to talk to him about it again. find out why he isn't ready to marry at the moment. i too am in a 3-year relationship, and although i want to marry him, the timing is just not right for the both of us. we both are focusing on our work and family things, but we do want to get marry ONE day. so talk it over with him. sounds like you love him a lot. if you love someone that much, it's not so bad to wait. when i asked why my mom waited over 6 years to marry my dad she said "true love is very hard to come by. marriage is just to make things official. knowing that you have someone you can love and trust by your side is more important." if you don't trust me, trust my mom & her 25-year marriage. so talk to him and figure this out together. in the meantime, just enjoy each others' company and build memories together ALONE. because, believe me, once married it'll be family and kids that'll take up your time. then you'll sometimes wish that there's only the two of you again..alone. so enjoy it while you still can. good luck.

Answer 2

Look at it this way....dating one person exclusively is like applying for a job....the job being marriage. During the dating period, you ask the important questions to make sure you are on the same page and headed in the right direction. Do you have the same morals, future goals, do you want children and how many, does religion play into your life together. The obvious deal breakers of course are abuse and addictions. If you both are on the same page after discussing these issues, the next step is marriage. It sounds to me that the two of you have merely been hanging out together rather than working toward a future together since he say he isn't ready. Two years is PLENTY of time for these issues to be discussed and the matter cleared up. If you want to be married, you're going to be looking at someone else.

Answer 3

I think you know the answer to this as well as we do or you wouldn't be asking the question: It's time to make a move. Two years is long enough for him to know if he wants to marry you or not. If he delays any further it's because he doesn't want to get married. The fact that he says he's worried you'll leave if he continues to put it off is further proof that he's trying to stretch it out as long as he can and doesn't intend to propose to you unless he absolutely has to.

The questions I'd be asking are:
--Why is he so reluctant?
--Why do you want to marry someone who obviously has a problem with committing to you (and maybe to anyone)?

I'd give it all some hard thought. You could give him an ultimatum, but forcing someone to commit when they don't really want to could lead to a whole bunch of new problems once you're married.

What I wouldn't do anymore is wait. You're putting your life on hold to suit someone else's needs. He isn't concerning himself to the same degree with what you need. In my book that's a red flag about his character, and even if he does marry you it probably won't change...what he wants and needs will always come first with him. You've got to decide if that's OK with you before you walk down the aisle with him.

I guess what I would do is not give an ultimatum, but simply tell him that you need some space. You have the right to look for someone in your life who IS ready to commit, and you need to tell him that. If you're living together, move out. If you're just dating, tell him that you'll be seeing others. Make him sweat a little. If he has to face not being with you, maybe he'll realize it's more important to him than he thought, and he'll be willing to make a commitment. If he doesn't, then you are BY FAR better off without him.

Right now, though, you're making things way too easy for him. Take away some of the benefits of marriage you're giving him, and force him to give something in return if he wants them. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for a life of servitude.

Good luck!

Answer 4

This is quite simple.

1) In a Marriage, both partners should WANT to be married to each other and BOTH partners need to love each other deeply. You need to be loved back, otherwise you are in for a lifetime of unhappiness.

2) If your relationship with this man does not work out, trust me, you can and will find another who is just as worthy (or more worthy) of your love. I know it sounds like another "there are more fish in the sea" speech, but, it is a very true statement.

3) If you wait or not, that is entirely up to you. The time frame... well that is up to you too. The longer you wait, however, the more of the good ones in your age bracket that will get snapped up.

We only get one chance at this life! Make the best of yours!

Answer 5

These days marriage is not as important as it used to be. Many people live together and have a family together without being married.
If you truly believe he is worth waiting for then stick by him but bear in mind that many men are never really ready for marriage and you could be waiting for nothing.
Ask yourself are you in love with the idea of being married to him or, are you in love with him because he is the one.

Answer 6

In life, it's very important that the decisions you make are those that are right for YOU. You are responsible for your own happiness. If you love your bf, but desire marriage when he is not ready, then YOU must decide how long YOU are willing to wait. There is no giving of ultimatums to your bf. You have to tell yourself, if we are not married by ________ then I will end the relationship.

Then it's all up to you.

Answer 7

if he is not ready, ask him what are the things that is holding him backand what problems he foresee ets, try to work things out together and help him with the problems, solve it togeter with him and let him feel the confidence and ability that you two can do as a couple, than slow explain to him that your need etc
dont rush into marriage as it will do more harm than good,do it only when both are ready

Answer 8

if you love this man you wont be a pyscho b- and pressure him everyone ive met that played the ultimatum got dumped or got there way and then ended in divorce so listen a marriage license is a piece of paper, it doesnt make or break the love or necessarily make it deeper nor is it something that should be gone into lightly, show him love and respect, and be patient, his intentions you and he expressed are to eventually worth it so you need to tell yourself that he and the wait are worth it. Dont pressure him, pressure is bad and worse when its something so serious that people should look forward to not dread

Answer 9

If he's not ready after 3 years, he will never be ready.
Sounds to me like you're wasting time with this guy who does not want to be married.

Answer 10

first of all how old is he? 3 yrs is long enough to make a decision whether you want to be married or not. i would take the chance on breaking up with him. that might light the fire to his a---.! sometimes you need to give things up to get them back full force. just the way you want them to be. he'll change his mind when your not there acting like a married couple anyway. that's what i did!!!, and it works.