A question for women?

Question

Okay you have kids but arent working.Your man is the bread winner and is supporting you and the kids that arent his.He lets you know 1 month and a half in advance that he wants to leave.He pays all the bills up and leaves you with enough money to hold you for at least another month.When he leaves he tells you that you are still his best friend.Would you believe this.Would you even want this guy to keep coming around.You have been together for a year.Are the kids affected by this?Would you allow this guy to still see your kids?What are your thoughts?

Answer 1

No he would not be my best friend. No I wouldn't let him come around. (Does he want the fun without the commitment?) Yes the kids would be affected, but better sooner rather than later. No he wouldn't see my kids.
Move on and find the right one.

Answer 2

I would think the best friend speech, was just that, a speech. However your actions show that you care about this person and what happens to the family. I would hope that the woman is mature enough to see what type of effect it will have on the children and offer visits if they choose to see you and that she is capable of supporting herself and her kids when you are gone. Depending on the ages of the kids when you came in would depend on how devastated they would be when you are not longer there. Regardless of whether you get visitation or not, you should address the issue of you not being around all the time anymore and let them know it has nothing to do with them and that they can contact you whenever (if that is what you want) i am sure you wouldn't want the guilt of knowing these kids are damaged because of you leaving when you could have easily address the issue and put their minds at ease. Kids need to hear it even if they don't ask. It is also very gentleman like to give notice and not just up and leave. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Me personally, I would allow him to see the kids if the kids wanted to see him, and I would let him come around on a friends only basis.

Why not? The world's short enough of decent people and unless he's done something beyong the line (violence, drugs, etc), then all that happened is he fell out of love. Sad but at least he's honest.

What's better ~ dishonest and keeps you on a string for years, maybe even plays around, or honest and tries to do the right thing?

To me, he sounds like a decent guy, even if he's not the right guy for you, and even if you are not the right girl for him. Grieve the loss, but at least it's just a year ~ you still have friends, places to go and a chance at fingding 'Mr Right'.

BUT, having said all that, I know most people aren't going to go along with me on this, and I probably would have thought differently years ago.

People get emotional and possessive and it's hard to understand how someone can 'love' you yesterday and not today ...

Can I just say, if you are the woman in this situation, do try to make a friend of him if it is possible. It's hard enough to find decent men, especially those who are responsible and care about kids, and are honest, not cheaters or rats.

If you are the guy in this, you may need to understand that whatever you do, her feelings and emotions will be hurt, she may feel you have rejected her as a person and it may take a while for her to understand you want to do the right thing. You may have to be a friend to prove yourself as a friend, and that may mean listening to her pain for a while without moaning. It may never be possible, but trying won't hurt.

Anyway, good luck to you both, and best wishes :-)

Answer 4

I can't say it would be a happy situation but I wouldn't hate him. At least he is being honest and not staying in a relationship he would cheat on. It seems he is being considerate enough to give you some notice and pay the bills. It's not the best situation what so ever but it could be much worse. See this as an opportunity to take on responsibility. I know being a housewife is no piece of cake but it's not a practical idea. You can't rely solely on a guy to take care of things. My philosophy is that if you can't take care of yourself when he isn't there then you need to find a way to do it. Independence is a great thing and under no circumstances should you be an a position that you can't be independent. If he had a close relationship with the kids it wouldn't hurt to let him visit provided it's on good terms. Feeling a loss at a young age can trigger problems later in life. Basically forgive and forget. Life can't be perfect but holding a grudge doesn't make it any easier.

Answer 5

i'd ay this guy is very generous and chivaliry-ish (hmm whats the word). The kids probably wouldn't get why he had to leave so i let him keep seeing to kids if they want. Because he paid the bills and gave the gf money afterwards id say that he really cares about her and even though they've broken up he wants to make sure the family does ok. Id still be his friend definantly out of gratitude and just becaause he'd proven himself dependable. The girl tho needs to take this oppritunity it get a JOB and get in her own feet. A girl shouldn't count on being able to depend on a man for money esp. a man who is not married to you If this guy was you i think you did a great job handling the situation like a real man. Like a gentleman.

Answer 6

Wish the guy the best of luck. He's been honest and supportive. Not many men support kids that aren't his. Plus, is being honest and tells you he's leaving and gives you enough money to survive for at least a month. First, you need to find a job, and yes, regardless of your feelings for him, you should probably let him see the kids when possible. If he is really attached to them, he will come around, and it might hurt them, but things happen. Little by little they will understand that people can't stay together if things don't go right. I know it's hard, especially at the beginning, but it's a matter of time for you to move on and same for your kids. BEST OF LUCK !

Answer 7

Whoever this guy is is a LOSER. He is lazy, selfish, a moron and doesn't deserve a good woman or kids at all, ever.

If you're going to move in with a woman who has children ACCEPT THE RESPONSIBILITIES or don't see any women who have children!
This will ruin the kids lives forever, that is guaranteed. They will have insecure and unstable relationships themselves, won't be able to trust the male figure again and won't believe another man in their lifetime, even if they are a man themself.

I'm telling you, whoever this man is is trash, a loser, and selfish. Great he'll pay the bills. Great he'll cover her for only one single month after he's gone, but a REAL man would've married the woman, adopted and LOVED those kids as his own, and would've accepted responsibilities that came with his decision to move in with a mother and also realized that RELATIONSHIPS TAKE LOTS AND LOTS OF SUPER HARD WORK.

It's called compromise, selflessness, honesty, loyalty, integrity, charity, compassion, to name a few.
A REAL man will step up to it. A LOSER will not. The mother obviously trusted this man to accept the reality of his choice and take responsibility for it, so it's NOT her fault, no matter what! (unless she was PHYSICALLY PROVEN to have been having an "affair"). The man should NEVER have decided to hook up with this woman to begin with if he was going to be a big fat chicken **** and run away from it in the end.

What a loser. Poor woman and especially poor little kids!!!

Answer 8

To do what he did for you, he obviously still cares but may just have extremely good personal reasons for doing what he has done. Not everything is cut and dry in this world and this guy could have done this in many many different ways.... but he didnt! Don't let the beast out to play, just be to him what you have always been as guys like this are few and far between and not the klnd of guy you should burn your bridges with. Dig deep and stay friends if that's what he's willing to do. Be someone that he wants to share whats going on with and yes let him see the kids, all kids need kindness and it's obviously a trait he posesses. Maybe all this isn't about you, but rather just about him. Best wishes.

Answer 9

Well, I wouldn't not be working to begin with. I don't expect a man to be the total bread winner as I wish to be a partner. That is great you have been taking care of the kids and helping support her but as for spending time after you leave, that sends a difficult message to the kids. I'm good enough to visit but not good enough to live with? I would hesitate in doing this. Unless you adopted them and were devoted to raising them up thru college, I would recommend distancing yourself. I think that what you have done is more then fair (ie, paying rent etc..) but I would not believe you because if I was your best friend, we could stay roommates with no benefits till I got on my feet and landed a job. Friends help out in binds and it looks like she is in one and yet you are bailing and wanting to still see the kids, you are expecting too much but then again each situation is different. I just know I walk a different path with no bias to her world or yours. Take care.

Answer 10

I wouldnt want this guy coming around.... having been together for just a year is really not enough to make this person a permanent part of your life.. especially if there are no children tying you together.. I dont see a reason why you should allow this guy to keep seeing your kids.. this may confuse them and i dont think you should keep him as any more than maybe an acquaintance, if he's leaving you .. then he probably doesnt even care for this anyway... but those are my thoughts... dont confuse your kids :)

Answer 11

UGH!! What a loaded question. 1) If she has been dependent on the man for the entire year, this would be quite a shock and an incredible emergency for her to suddenly handle. She doesn't have a job. And now, she suddenly has to find one to support her family. 2) No. I would not believe it. A best friend would not move out on me like this. 3) If the kids were attached to him, yes. I would want him to come around. For the kids sake ONLY, not for mine. 4) Because YES, the kids are affected by this. Children are very impressionable and need to feel safe and secure. You can't just zoom in and out of their lives as you please and not expect some updraft.