divorce, separation, or law school-bipolar husband?

Question

wow, this is kind of involved. my husband of 4 years has turned out to be a liar about his past (pathological wild stories that i've discovered are not true--everything from war hero stuff to movie star stuff). i found out AFTER MARRIAGE that he is completely devoid of sex drive, impotent and does NOT want to have sex ever again. he was diagnosed bipolar 3 months ago (meds don't seem to be helping--anger, paranoia, micromanagement, can't sleep, is on 4 bipolar meds)..etc. we decided we are going to go our separate ways with kindness (13 year old son involved). just when i told him that i have completely given up on trying to be in a marriage with only myself--he is now telling me that we need to go back to our old church and start praying together more. he thinks that will fix his attitude, which is resentful, hostile, and unpredictable. i've been accepted to law school. should i postpone a year and leave the marriage now before something terrible happens? need your thoughts.

i realize that this is a sickness, but it is not the type of sickness like cancer. this is a type of sickness that can endanger the mental, physical and emotional well being of those around it. his doctors have not advised that i attend therapy with him. he doesn't want me to attend therapy with him, and i can't fix him. this is a moral and ethical question.

Answer 1

It sounds to me that your husband has been misdiagnosed...which often happens with manic depression. What makes me think this, is three things...the patholocial lying part...which if usually a disorder all on it's own, and while sometimes bi-polars will lie to cover up something...they usually don't do it to make up wild stories or get attention. That is a completely other disorder all by itself. Also, you say he is not responding to his meds at all...although they may not help all symptoms...they should have made some difference ( that is, if he is taking them).

Another thing...you mention him not having a sex drive...when in fact, a common symptom of bi-polarism is having an hyper sex drive....and sometimes they will be promiscuous, and have affairs.

Personally, by everything that you wrote...regardless of what his exact disorder is, my advice would be to go your separate ways. There is way too much negative stuff going on there...and it does not sound like he will be able to change that. Prayer is not going to help him stop lying or being abusive...and if he refuses to have sex with you ever again...well, do you really want to live the rest of your life like that? Being lied to, verbally abused, resented, and having him be hostile to you..and then no sex on top of it? It just does not sound like any kind of way to live at all.

Answer 2

The first thing you need to do is contact the hospital he's in and and let them know of his threatening calls. They can monitor and/or restrict his phone use. Then make sure the hospital notifies you before his release so you can get a restraining order. If you have kids with him make sure he's not on the list at school to take them out or pick them up. As regarding divorce and your faith, marriage was never meant to be a prison sentence; "Till death do we part" was not intended to, and DOES NOT include "by his/her hand." But you do have the right to live in safety and without fear. I've yet to read a passage in the Bible that says the husband has the legal or religious right to kill his wife. Indeed, when it was allowed, it was by stoning which included the whole village, not just him, so it was a legal sentence at the time. As a Christian you need to contact your pastor and explain your situation and discuss your options. But as I said, I've never read anywhere in the Bible (and I have several versions, including a Jewish Tanakh, Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible, and a Strong's Exhaustive Concordance) and I know that God loves us all, and would never allow us to stay in a situation that not only endangers our lives but endangers our spiritual well being as well. Steve

Answer 3

I am the type of person that always puts his marriage before anything and I would normally preach the same thing to anyone. You are the exception to the rule simply because your husband from what you've told us come across as a manipulative freak and would suggest for you to go back to Law school--you won't regret it. Yes, go to church and pray to god to give you strength to finish Law School and then if you feel it in your heart maybe work on fixing your marriage. Good Luck!

Answer 4

He doesnt' want to lose you so he's grasping at straws anything that could help you get back on track so he's mentioning going back to church. I think you need to be STRONG here and not give him up yes it will be difficult and I know it must be frustrating and upsetting to you but imagine how he is feeling have this with him all the time. As far as meds it doesn't always work they have to try different ones that will work for him and there will be times he doesnt' want to take them or he will feel sick with them etc.. there are other times he will have highs and big lows .. But try and remember its a sickness. If he had cancer you wouldnt' say i want out right. Well thats also a disease. I would suggest you need to educate yourself more on this disease it's very common some like to call it manic depressive either way you slice it you should ask him that you want to come along to therapy if he wants that and you should help him with the medicines and look for signs when you feel he's changing and try to be his support system he will need it. Remember he didnt' ask for this. It could have easily have been you. So As frustrating as it is right now for you if you get into a programme with him and get more in tuned with the drugs the side effects the signs to keep out for etc.. things will be better also dont' forget they have support groups out there supporting you and questions and answers and just ways of coping and suggestions that may help.

Hang in there my dear. He's worth it im sure.

Answer 5

Im sorry you have to go through this...

In regard to law school:
Its tough enough to get through law school when your marriage ISNT falling apart. I would absolutely postpone school for now. No biggie-a year is nothing in the scheme of things and waiting to begin the committment of law school will only benefit you in the long run (your being able to be focused on your studies will result in your earning better grades, etc).

Take this year to get your relationship sorted out (whether it be stay together or divorce-get it taken care of). Begin school next year with a clean slate and a fresh new you ready to begin an exciting phase of your life.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Try this perspective... haven't you created enough chaos in your son's life? Divorce this guy, don't date anymore, and raise your boy. He'll thank you for it later.

Should you do law school? Only if it can be done while your boy is at school. Unless you want him to end up in trouble, you should be there when he's home. If you can't swing law school around your boy's schedule, then wait on it until he turns 18. You owe it to him to be there for him.

Answer 7

i think for your son and yourself and of course your future well being you should go to law school. I usually think people should work it out when its petty things, but this is not petty and not something either one of you brought onto yourselves and cant be fixed by counseling, if he doesnt take his meds you are living hoping he does because hes unpredictable and potentially dangerous. I think you should try and stay through better and worse as so says vows but this my dear si an exception. Good luck Mrs future Lawyer.

Answer 8

this type is dangerious get out while you can better safe rather than sorry in my opion to you . my opion?