Wife cheated and I don't know if I can believe what she tells me?

Question

She was going to school 16 hours a week and started fooling around with a guy there. I trusted her completely, she told me she was only talking to him so much so she could help hook him up with my sister. She came home and was the perfect wife, the perfect mother to our child. One day she asked me to check her email to see if she got her class sched. The guy had replied to one of her emails she had sent him that morning after I left for work. I didnt know what it was and opened it up. hmmm how to describe the feeling of your heart dying...first she told me it was only a crush, and a couple days later she told me she only kissed him and then the next day she told me how much further it went. she still wont tell me why she did it, she doesnt know why I would want to know. We had an argument and she started f***ing defending the other guy. We signed up for counselling but the first opening isnt until Sept. I'm in love with my wife, I just cant tell if she is the person I'm sleepingnextto

Answer 1

There must be other places you can turn to for counseling. I would scour the area until I could find someone who could see you individually and together. What she did was wrong. She cannot defend it. She betrayed you plain and simple. She should not be defending him nor herself in this. They are both wrong. What she needs to do is honestly commit to your marriage. She needs to acknowledge what she did and work with you to make things better. You will not trust her right away, but if she is honestly remorseful (and it doesn't sound like she is terribly remorseful at this time) and willing to commit to never seeing him again (EVER) you two could work this out. He has to be out of the picture forever. Period. There is no going back to friendship after an affair without consistently hurting your spouse and your chances for reconciliation.

I am so sorry. Just remember this is her problem. She cheated on you because of something in her. It could be simple as the pressure of school and getting emotionally close to a fellow student. It happens. This is not your fault.

Answer 2

Ugh. I feel so bad for you. But you know...it happens alot, to both men and women. I know that is of no consulation to you. But you are not alone. I honestly don't think you can/should wait until September. You need to talk to a professional NOW. Is there a clergy member you could perhaps confide in? Even if you went in alone? At least you would have someone to vent to in person. Personally, I don't think I could ever trust anyone again after that. Does she have an explaination for her actions? Regardless, I think you maybe need to give yourself a break and either move out of the house for a while or have her move out. Honestly, how can you live under the same roof with her right now? See if you can find ANY other counseling before September. You will need it to cope with this. To hell with her, I say. Does she give you any reason? And the fact that she is defending him...makes it all the worse. And FYI - If I were you, I would also talk to an attorney. You very well may need one. I am so sorry for your pain. And sad that you fell in love with someone who obviously does not deserve you. Good luck and take some time to grieve, get angry, etc. It's all part of the process.

Answer 3

Many of us can relate to the feeling of shock you felt when you first discovered that the person you trusted the most, betrayed you. It's even worse that you didn't see it coming and she hid it so very well.

The truth is that you can't and shouldn't trust what she is saying now. You've already seen how her story can change from day to day. She showed you that she's not the person you thought. She is completely unreliable now and you should treat her as such.

This is not to say you shouldn't try to work this out, but you should protect your heart and just decide to not trust her again until she earns it. Don't give her a free ride because then she might go on to think she can get away with not respecting you again.

She will have to earn your respect and trust...dont' just give it away.

Answer 4

Ok..Women cheat for totally different reasons than men. Your wife is probably feeling neglected in some capacity. I don't condone what she did but the reality of it is she probably found someone that treated her the way that you treated her when you two first got together. Typically these things do happen at places where the spouse spends alot of time. You may be able to trust her but it will take alot of communication and tons of work. Then there are some women that feel that expressing their feelings for another man is no big deal. I would find out the reasons for her infidelity and deal with them. Then make the call .

Answer 5

She's got problems. I hope the counseling will help, but you need to be sure you get a counselor that isn't going to teach you how to blame each other, but will teach you how to take responsibility for your own mistakes and own them.

As for the other guy... someone needs to remind her that he is no knight in shining armor if he can't do any better than some other man's wife. He's an adulterer just like her.

I would ask her first thing to get out of the class he is in and stop all contact. If she is unwilling to do this to save your marriage then sadly you need to move on.

Answer 6

I know how badly you hurt because I've felt that same pain. It can't even be put into words.
I agree with those who said Sept is too long to wait. Hopefully you can find someone else to see sooner.
Also, she needs to break contact completely with this other guy. No contact at all. If she wants this marriage to work she should have no problem with that. She also should have no problem with you checking on her for awhile until you've rebuilt trust. Check things like cell phone text messages and e-mails. If there is nothing to hide there should be no problem.
I will say prayers for you because I know how tough this is.

Answer 7

You have EVERY reason to know WHY she cheated, as NOT knowing gives you no basis in which to decide whether or not you need to EVER trust her again, OR if you even want to try and work things out! She could have wandered because SHE has issues, or because there is something YOU are doing or not doing that she was seeking elsewhere. I have a very strong feeling she does not want to "tell" you why because it is such a lame reason you might just walk out the door. She took a vow to be YOURS, in my book, that means YOU have every right to demand answers for WHY she thought it was perfectly fine not to honor them!

Answer 8

Oh man, I'm really sorry to hear that. The trust issue is one you'll have to decide for yourself. I think you're a saint for being willing to go through counseling and try to make the marriage work, but you should know that if you decide to seek better, you deserve it and will likely find it.

Answer 9

Trust is very important in a relationship.
You can either forgive her and believe her and start working on trusting her again, since she agreed to go to counseling with you, or if you can't find it in your heart to forgive her you should get a divorce.
I think she needs to communicate to you, why she did it, this way you know, what's missing in your relationship. How can you fix a thing if you don't know what's wrong with it.

Answer 10

I never heard you say that she asked for forgiveness. She needs to understand that if she wants this relationship to continue, you need to understand fully why it happened - as does she- so you don't go down this path again. Secondly, she needs to ask forgiveness, and then help you as much as possible to feel secure in her love in every way possible. Good luck.