should i divorce ?????

Question

wife cheated 8 years ago with guy, he moved out of state. this is burdened me, because it was 1 month before my son was conceived. imagine how that is wondering everyday if im the father. now hes back and i find secret phone and calls for a month to this p.o.s. wife claims only talking, nothing else. the p.o.s continues to call after 6 months. if i didnt want to loose my career, there would be 2 people hurtin. we have 3 children and im tired of the crap. if we divorce i miss alot of time with my children. but living in a untruthful relationship isnt healthy. ive thought about leaving,therapy,even getting even. 2 wrongs dont make a right and not "christian" of me. i'm not perfect i havn't "been there" at all times, but her family crap and everything else im only human. should i say oh well and walk away and enjoy the time i do get with my children or make a third try at it..cheating is more than physical.

Answer 1

You have had 8 years to have a DNA test. And from the way you talk You sound vindictive, I suspect that there is alot of things that you've left unsaid, and suspect that you tend to not communicate well with your wife. there is no way you can have a truthful relationship if you don't talk to one another.

Answer 2

I always get hate mail for saying this, but there is no substitute for honesty. You're also right about two wrongs don't make a right. Staying together for the sake of the children is basing your relationship on a lie that you might find more and more harder to do as time goes on. I think the right thing to do with a cheating or abusive spouse is to divorce and I am a Christian.

I know a lot of Christian preachers and Dr. Laura say the children must come first, it's what God wants you to do. I still think it's basing the relationshipship on a lie and frankly I think it always poisons both you and the children more than it heals.

Your wife doesn't care about the children enough to be faithful, but somehow you are wrong for wanting a divorce? Give me a break.

Answer 3

I would suggest get a separation and counseling first. If she doesn't want counseling, go alone. Tell her the ball is in her court, that you want both of you to deal with all your issues together as a married couple, but you can't have this other man in the marriage between the 2 of you, and if she loves and respects you, she will stop all contact with him immediately. Marriage should be one man and one woman, not 3rd parties spreading diseases and fathering babies with who knows who. And how would she know if he hasn't been messing with others in these past 8 years anyways?
Read Tough Love by Dr. James Dobson. It talks about families in crises and how to handle situations like this. And it goes into details on interventions. It's a really good read. Read Gary Smalley books about how to win her back before it's too late and also what he doesn't know but she wishes he does. I've read the female versions, and they were pretty good too. Also read on how to affair proof a marriage so this will never happen again. And read books on what women need. A lot of times a woman cheats or is tempted to cheat if she's not getting an emotional need met, feels unloved and/or disrespected, has been cheated on by her SO, is or has been abused by him, etc. Once the root behind the cheating is discovered, then she and you together can address particular issue. If none of these alternatives work, then you know where it will lead to, and perhaps you'll be better off.
I hope it works out for you.

Answer 4

If you enjoy living your life like this, continue on and act as if everything is alright. Your wife is only doing what you give permission for her to do. In other words, if you don't lay down the rules of your marriage, she will continue with her own set of rules. If you need therapy to get through your marriage and her cheating, you may re-think what marriage really means to you. Divorce isn't the end of the world, children grow up and see you for the man you are, not the man your ex-wife will portray. If you want to be happy, just know that there is another woman out there looking for just the man you are, perfect in her eyes. Cheating will never enter her mind. Good luck, it's not going to be easy.

Answer 5

What you should do is sit and evaluate the situation and use the following formula. First evaluate the phone conversations that should not be regardless of talking only or not. The past has already shown you what the possibilities are. Second the impact of change of protecting yourself from further disaster in your relationship will be on your children both negative and positive, then the steps to protect you and the children and make a plan with specific guidlines and criteria for you and your wife in going forward with very specific performance issues and the consequences for violations and STICK TO THEM. Not for you not for your wife but the most important YOUR CHILDREN. God bless you man and I am sorry this happened. Life is better.

Answer 6

I think I would try a therapist at least you could say you have given it your all. I know how you feel my husband cheated on me with my best friend while I was gone to my grandfathers funeral. Its a tuff thing to deal with you have to search your heart and if there is nothing left but bad feelings for your wife it would be best to separate. About the child that you don't know if they are yours or not do you love this child if you do and you feel he is possibly yours don't hurt this child any more than he already has been. It would turn his world upside down. If you need to do it make sure you do it in a way that tells him its not that you don't love him. It would damage him to think the man he has known as Dad isn't Dad. Good luck because in the end it is your decision.

Answer 7

I would look into the counseling. There are great Christian counselors out there that can help y'all discuss these things and bring things out in the open. If your wife is innocent like she says then she should have no problem talking about these things and even seeking help to save your marriage. I personally do not think your wife should remain in contact with a man she cheated with...it's not smart or healthy. Biblically you have grounds for divorce since she did cheat, but I know that divorce is meant as a last last resort. Seek counseling and if nothing seems to come of it...then you will have to decide what you think is best for you and your family.

Answer 8

First of all, you deserve a pat on the back for sticking it out as long as you did. You need to talk to your wife, and ask her if there is anything going on.. Tell her how you feel. She should be trying her hardest to earn your trust after the first time she cheated, not talking to him behind your back! See if she agrees to go to counseling, and if she is willing to try to make this work. If she knows you are thinking about leaving, she might turn around and make things right. If she is not willing to try, you should leave. Your kids don't need to think that this is the way a relationship works. They need to be around a loving couple.

Answer 9

No one can tell you what is right and wrong for you. You just have to figure out what is right for you. I have been in that kind of sitituation and for me ... I stayed for many reasons and it wasn't because of love for my spouse, but for children. If you can be honest with your wife and can live with it, why not have an open and honest relationship with her. Like a partnership. Share everything with her, live with her, enjoy the kids and have a wonderful relationship with them where you can enjoy them every day and so can she. Its just an idea, maybe not the best. And maybe u cant live like that. I hope you find what is right for you. Its hard to think of divorce and not being able to see your kids when you want. Good luck!

Answer 10

I am sorry you are hurting like this. I would want a dna test if I were you. If she admitted to an affair with him in the past, she shouldn't be having any contact with him now or ever again. It may take therapy to get you through this if you want to save your marriage. I am married a second time and my ex husband spends more quality time with our son now than he ever did while he lived in the same house. I don't think it would be too much for you to request she stop all contact with that person and if she refuses, something's not right.