Mama's Boy Dilemma?

Question

Ive been with Matt for 5 years. We've been together since high school. We are in our early 20's and we both have good secure jobs. I want to get a condo and I asked Matt if he wanted to move in with me. He said No because he's not ready and he cant leave his mom behind. Matt says he loves me and he wants to marry me someday.( His mother hated me since the first day I met her.) Matt and I will make plans to do something and he cancels them to do errands for his mom.He cant stand up and tell her anything. He's otherwise the most perfect man in the world. What should I do? Should I give him a ultimatum or what? I'm seriously tired of being 2nd to his mother and family. Should I just give up and date other people?

Not a ultimatum to pick me or his mom. But to move in with me. I would like us to start a future together and live on our own. We've been with eachother since we were 16. If he doesnt want to start a future with me or even move in with me. I
dont want to waste my time waiting on him. Thats what I meant..

Answer 1

well sorry to say that u will always be 2nd to his mother if he's that big of a mama's boy. and u giving him an ultimatum he will pick his mother over u. but if u love this guy u will learn to live with it if not then i say separate for a while and date others if he sees what he's missing then he will come back if not then u will know that his mother is his top priority.

Answer 2

It sounds like you're more serious about Matt than Matt is about you. And FYI, love doesn't ask people to choose sides. Adult relationships require dealing with shifting roles. Son, boyfriend, husband, father - someone who is interested in sharing a life (or a condo... or taking the relationship to the next level) with you will take whatever steps are necessary to better negotiate those roles.

If you're still in your early 20's, you may be jumping the gun - especially since you've been together since high school. People grow and change a lot during that time period, and being in a long term relationship SO young sometimes makes that hard to do. I think it's important that the two of you give yourselves the opportunity to live and grow as individuals before cementing yourselves into a VERY serious situation right now. My feeling is that Matt is probably just not as ready as you think he is.

DO NOT nag, pressure, or come between Matt & his mother. That is not your place, it is not your decision to make. Unfortunately the only decision you have in this situation is to either wait it out with Matt, or to move on. I would suggest the latter.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I have issues with my father-in-law as well. If his mom makes you crazy now, it will get worse after marriage. You shouldn't just give into her. As much as he loves his mom, to treat you like that is so wrong. A man should support his wife. Period. You should try to reach some sort of compromise or agreement now, before you even go near the marriage thing. If you say nothing, as much as you love him, this issue will make you miserable. Don't just keep your mouth shut, because you deserve better.

You should think about what you want out of a relationship, etc. and let him know in a calm and rational manner. Set your own deadline/ultimatum for yourself, e.g. if things don't improve in the next 6 months then you will move in. You're both still young and have time to try to work things out. I don't think you should just walk away and say and do nothing because you have 5 years invested in this relationship. But if and when you do leave him, you should tell him exactly why.

Answer 4

Run for the hills!!!! Just kidding. I was once married to a Mamma's boy. Notice I said once. Your guy is still young and there just may be hope. For example, do you still keep your plans or do something without him when he cancels for mom? If not, your enabling him to continue being a mommas' boy. Eventually he's going to regret the time he could have spent with you and see that mom's getting in the way of his relationship with you. Or, he'll get spiteful towards you, then you know to throw in your cards.

Answer 5

Go ahead and buy the condo yourself. Find other people to date or hang out with, and hope his mom goes into a nursing home soon. (If not that, then an early grave.) From the sounds of it, he'd be no good as a husband or a father so don't accept his proposal, if it comes.

Answer 6

I understand. Unless my mother in law says or does something in front of my hubby he completely ignores it. We have solved the problem. I can and will say anything to her, I will confront her on every damn issue. She may have given birth to him but that does not entitle her to treat me or anyone else like dirt. He will never "cause trouble" as he sees it but he does not expect me to take any more of her crap and he fully appreciates that I defend him as well. He doesn't now or ever agreed with how she behaved but he was preached to his whole life to never speak up to his mother and he never will. I get that. She was down not too long ago saying to my hubby that if he went through anything like she went through with her biopsy (thyroid) needle than she really feels for him. I went nuts. He has had 3 surgeries and one was over 14 hrs, 3 months of intensive inpatient chemo (twice) and two stem cell transplants in 9 weeks. The collection of the stem cells alone was over 90 needles in 13 days. I went nuts, he sat in a chair and smiled because someone was standing up to her and especially for him. She was in shock and had nothing to say. Let you husband know that you can't take it anymore and that you are going to start to stand up for yourself if he won't do it. Then make sure you never do it without a witness (preferably you hubby) or put everything in writing. Good luck and it will be fine!

Answer 7

Run, don't walk. He's not going to change. He's not going to move in with you because he's already got a sweet arrangement and he probably doesn't even pay rent. If he's not ready to make you number one and make mom number two (or even number 1a), he's not grown up enough for a real relationship. In fact, if his mom hates you, you may be his sole (and safe) method of rebelling against her. Either he follows through and gets a life of his own, or you move on without him.

Answer 8

I feel she will always be there so if u cant handle that then maybe ya should move on .. maybe ya should hang out with his ma more .. get to know her better and she u .. dont give an ultimatum tho .. the person who does that always loses in my book .. not right .. good luck ..

Answer 9

life has a way of pointing things out before they get worse. I am a Sailor's son myself, and my dad loved my wife, i guess i am lucky in that respect. If I had to say one way or another, to give you some perspective, ...get a man! boys belong with their mamas. He might transfer other stuff on you if you were married. Sounds like you grew up and he didn't.

Answer 10

Ultimatum demanding what - that he choose you over his own mother? Dream on. I'm not saying he's not a mama's boy, but please. And he just doesn't want to move in with you; don't blame his mother for that.