Attention Married People - Need Serious Advice Please?

Question

My dh & I have been married for over 5 years & are both in our 40's (me early 40's - him late). He used to be SO considerate & sweet, but things are different now.

He used to talk bad about men that walked ahead of their wives, now HE does it if he's preoccupied. He used to call me pet names, rub my feet every time we were sitting down, make candle lit baths for me, & hold my hand when we were walking or driving. He'd do 1/2 of the housework. He made me feel like a princess.

Things are changing. I don't consider myself spoiled, but sure loved the way he used to treat me. Now I do most of the housework, all the laundry, help work in the yard, pay all the bills & run errands. Plus, I have a fulltime job like him.

He's home right after work every night though & says he's happy (I asked him recently). Is this what happens when things 'settle down'? Is the friendship part of the relationship starting ALREADY? I love him very much-should I be worried? Is he just spoiled now??

Sorry, I didn't mention me. :) Yes, I hold his hand when driving and grab it when we're walking (if he seems open to it).

He's not really a candle lit bath kinda guy, so I haven't done that.

I DO give him pedicures when he asks, give massages MOST of the time when he asks, buy him romantic cards, pick something up at the store I think he might like without his asking.

I didn't mention what I do for him, but I do TRY to do special things for him.

Answer 1

My husband and I have been married for fifteen years and sometimes we walk side by side, hold hands, and other times if he is in a hurry to get into the store, he walks ahead of me, no big deal!

My husband used to call me pet names, rub my feet everytime we were sitting down, make candle lit baths for me, well, he still holds my hands while we are walking and driving, he does half of the housework when I ask him, and he did make me feel like a princess.

I know things are changing for you, they change for everyone, including me, I still get the pet name calling, but if he does not call me a pet name, I still know I am his "pet", he does not have to tell me every day, I know that already, I do not have to be told every day! He knows how much I mean to him.

Honey, I do the same thing, but that does not make me resent him, he works just as hard as I do, we are 50/50! He is in construction and I take care of my grandmother full time during the week! It is called married life and it sounds to me like you have a lot of resentment towards him, I would seek counseling if I were you.

How long have you been married, it is not what you thought, was it??? It does not sound like he is spoiled, it sounds like to me that you had no idea on what you were getting into when you got married.

It is not all that way when we are dreaming about it when we are little girls, is it????

Answer 2

When a relationship is new theremwill always be things that you do for each other. All relationships tend to cool off as they progress, but that doesn't mean that its a bad relationship.

You said yourself that he will walk in front of you when he's "preoccupied". Well, what about when he's not preoccupied?

Does he still take the time to listen to you? Does he do things a certain way because he knows thats how you like it. Is he there for you when you need him?

If so, then you're a very lucky woman. A relationship will change over time, as long as both people are happy and continue to grow together, enjoy what you have.

Answer 3

Part of it is settling into rolls and finding a comfort zone. I know that after going on ten years of marriage some of the mushy romantic stuff has been replaced by the day to day, but we’re both happy where we are and still try to do something special for each other now and again. It used to be candles and bubble baths, and now it is slipping a card into his suitcase when he travels for work to find when he gets to his hotel and talking to each other every day. If you are unhappy with the changes, it is time to really talk about it before you start to resent him. Couple’s consoling might be a good solution for you.

Answer 4

Well, the honeymoon's over. Most men go back 2 the "traditional" man role after they get married. My husband did the same thing and I find it extremely annoying. I tend 2 go on strike: no meals, no laundry, no errands, no sex, NADA. Marriage is a team and I don't feel like I should have 2 "carry" us 2 the finish line. He gets the hint and starts 2 contribute. but every now and then, I have 2 go on strike when he deviates from the plan

Answer 5

What a poor excuse it is to say "that's marriage". Things will be different after people settle into a marriage but the romance & passion doesn't have to leave. What you're marriage needs is a boost. & I don't mean just in the passion part. But the emotional connection.

But you can start by going to passionparties.com & hosting a party of your own, get some free products that will jump start the communication all over again.

Answer 6

It is very difficult to honestly say what the cause is, but before you look for external reasons for the change in behavior, take a look in the mirror. I am not being ugly here, it just reminds me of a very similar thing that happened between my wife and I shortly after we were married. Prior to getting married, my wife and I were all about each other, doing for the other, the rubbing, the touching, cooking, laundry, yard work, washing cars...the list goes on. After we got married, she of course moved into the house I lived in and our lifes together under the same roof began. Call it what you want, but after a few months, I noticed that she no longer touched me when she walked by, she was no longer as concerned with what I wanted, needed or liked as she was with what she wanted, needed or liked. The frequency of when we made love dropped like a rock, she no longer seemed to want to snuggle in bed or watching a movie. All the things that she did before we got married were dropping off dramatically. I continued for months to still do the things for her that I did before, but it started to feel like I was the only one giving. Shortly before out two year anniversary, she told me that she missed all the things I use to do for her and wanted to know why I did not seem to do them any longer. We sat and talked for a couple of hours about it and I let her know that I tired and tried and even told her that I had noticed a change in her behavior after we got married, but nothing changed and eventually, I stopped doing the things I was doing because I got nothing in return. Rather than play the blame game, we both just agreed that we had lost that loving, playful, service type relationship that we had before we were married and that we could not fix the other person, we were responsible for our own actions and behaviors only. Since then things have been a lot better and we have managed to keep the fire burning so to speak. So I ask you, have you stopped doing the things that you use to do for him that made him feel so special? Does he feel that he is getting nothing in return? Has it become a one way thing and he has just stopped trying? If you can say for certain that you are still doing the things for him that you did early on when he was making you feel like a princess, then maybe you need to have a talk with him and let him know your needs are no longer being met and you no longer feel like his princess. Don't be offended if he tells you he quit because you stopped treating him like your prince, just work it out and get back the romance.

Answer 7

Yup, this is settling into the marriage. Just pray that it doesn't get worse than this. You didn't say if you had kids or not...but kids are what usually make you "settle" into the marriage and that's when it's hard to see your spouse as your romantic partner rather than someone who is/isn't doing his share with the baby.

Marriage has a lot of ups and downs; Don't get discouraged by the downs. Just accept them as normal and look forward to the ups. They'll be back, even if they're short!

Answer 8

sit him down and talk to him. Did you ever rub his feet in return? Did you call him pet names/ Did you offer a candle lit bath?Did you ever instigate the holding hands? Try to be the person now inthe marriage that does these things and seeif it will not be a change for the better...noone ever said marriage was easy... it takes WORK!( on both parts)

Answer 9

Perhaps you are not treating him with the respect he needs. Things do change after a bit and if this is the first marriage for both of you the tendency is going to be to revert to your past ways. Since you married later in life (I am 39 so no disrespect intended) this would have happened sooner rather than later in your marriage.

Answer 10

When people are together for a while all the excitement tends to die down especially with men. However, as a husband he should not stop treating you special. You should talk to him about the things you miss and what is going on. It is very important he understands that women have needs too.