How do I finally break free?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend/fiance for over 6 years. The first 2-3 years were good. We had alot of rough patches but I tried to put them aside and focus on the love we had for eachother. It was alot of rumors about him cheating on me, my dad didnt like him, his unwillingness to open up and his constant picking on me. But I thought my love was strong enough to get past that. He moved into my house around our 3 year anniversary.

Then his grandmother passed away a couple of months after our 3 yr anniversary. He was really close to his grandmother, she practically raised him. So it really broke him down. His life took a turn for the worse, he got really depressed and started drinking alot. I tried to be there for him as much as I could but he kept pushing me away. I never gave up and held up hope that he would eventually let me in.

He finally gave me some hope that he was coming back to me when he proposed on Christmas morning 2004. Of course I accepted.

But then his life got thrown a curveball yet again when his mother passed away. That hit him just as hard as his grandmother, because he was trying to make amends with her. Make up lost time from when he was growing up.

He drank even more and hardly came home before 11pm 4-5 night a week. All my friends told me not to push him, just let him get over it the way he needs to. He will be ok, we will be ok. But he was just not the man I knew anymore. The picking on me became worse. I really did not want start to dislike him, especially since he just lost most of his family in just a year and a half.

Then one night last year, I went out for my birthday and he was at some bar as usual. I came home after him, so he was already passed out. But before I went to bed, my sis was still up and she told me that when he came home, he stopped at her door and was being rude and stupid. Asking her stupid questions and my sis tried to be nice because she saw he was blasted.

He then starts telling her "your a b----, just like your sister. I dont love your sister anymore, I dont even want to marry her anymore." So my sister tries to persuade him to go to bed, even though she is hurt by what he just said. When she told me what he said, my heart died right there. When I confronted him the next day, he said he didnt remember saying that but he didnt mean it. But from personal experience, when you say something when youre drunk, its usually the truth. I told him about 8 months ago, I am very unhappy with our relationship. That i have lost alot of feelings for him since that incident. And that I would like some time apart. He has yet to move out. I have asked him several times to do so. But its like my feelings dont for nothing. He says that I am punishing him for losing his granmother and mother. I tell him that I am not, I just need out because he has pushed me away and hurt me too much. I still love him but I am not in love with him.What else should I do?

Answer 1

Sorry to hear about your as well as his troubles.
Either way I would recommend that you get rid of him ASAP since he is not getting any better and has the potential to pull you down with him. The fact that you have already given him so much time shows that you are committed and love him, but if he is not getting any better after such a long time, I do not think that changes are going to occur anytime soon or maybe not at all. I do feel bad about his looses nonetheless we all face challenges in our lives and somehow manage to deal with them in the best way possible without hurting the once we love. The person that he is now, it the true him (as it is said the best and worst comes out of ppl in difficult situations), so you need to ask yourself if you are willing to put up with him the way he is now for the rest of your life and if he is worth your patience, love, time, energy and sacrifices. I would say NO, he is definitely not worth it since he not only does not seem to applicate you but he is also not giving you the proper respect you deserve. That you might not be getting the respect necessary is a bit your fault too since you allow him to treat you like this and behave which ever way he wants. Maybe you should ask yourself why is he still with you. Is it love or does it maybe has something to do with the fact that he is comfortable with you since you do not seem to place many demands on him and your home is like a hotel for him with all the perks inclusive??? I don't know, don't want to make you paranoid, but i think deep down you know the answers to those questions. So follow your woman intuition.
Also the fact that you allow him to continue to drink is really neither helping either one of you, and you are definitely not doing him a favor by being so leneant. Since he seems to carry a lot of baggage with him from childhood, etc. and he obviously does not know how to deal with it all while he does not seem to be a strong enough character to face his challenges, i would recommend that if you really want to help him, convince him to get some professional help from a psychiatrist or some other sort of counseling.

Now to how to get rid of him: firmly tell him that you need him to move out. I would suggest that you give him a time line, something like a 30day notice. If you want to you can also help him look for another place. To show him that you are serious, I would recommend that you stop being affectionate with him and live with him as if he is your roommate rather than your boyfriend. Also do not fall for his dramatic and emotional performances where he tries to make you look like the bad guy and makes you feel guilty by saying that you are punishing him for his losses. Be prepared that he might resort to all kinds of stories, etc. when in desperation and when he realizes that changes are on the horizon. Be strong and maintain your point no matter what he says, after all by the end of the day you cannot really help him, what you need to do is try to help yourself now. If all fails, you can always find a place for him, move his stuff out and when he comes back give him the key to his new life without you (I would recommend you have your family and/or close friends present for backup just in case). If this seems to harsh for you and you still have some hope in you for the relationship than at least ask him to get counseling, and if he cannot even do that for you then you really need to let go before you waste anymore of your time and energy on him. I understand that it is very difficult and at the beginning it is going to be very hard, but in few months you'll be over it. Speaking form experience, I do not believe that he on the other hand is going to change that easily, instead it is more convenient for him to fight to remain in his world of excuses and face the harshness of real life. To end on a positive note: keep in mind that anything is possible if you are willing to invest the effort (meaning you can easily throw him out or try to continue the relationship) however be certain that a battle is actually worth fighting and don't let anyone take advantage of you.
Hope this helps...good luck & all the best.

Answer 2

You've been letting this guy walk all over you long enough. Give him a date by which he has to move out and stick to it. Put it in writing. On the day of the deadline change the locks and tell him that he can come get his stuff between the hours of x and x. And then make sure you're not alone when he comes.
Abusers try to blame their victims for their own bad behavior. Yes, he lost people he loves, but does that give him the right to treat you like crap? NO.
Enough is enough.

Answer 3

You need to force the issue of him moving out. There are many ways to do this but I know you prefer doing it in a cordial manner. There were many signs before and you choose to ignore them and now you no longer want to avoid the fact that he is not the best person for you. It's sad what he has gone through but he is not the first or last person to deal with those issues. You have to start thinking about yourself first if you ever want to be happy again.

Answer 4

The answer is obvious, so why are you asking us?

Just leave.

Change your number, email, and move if you have to. This relationship is unhealthy and beyond repair. Take a trip, go to Las Vegas, join the Peace Corps, get a new job, move in with a friend, do something, anything - just start over!!!

Good luck!!!

Answer 5

Yada,yada,yada, with the energy it took to tell this story, I've already lost three years of my life. Let me tell you from experience, you can go on deluding yourself into thinking he's going to get better but he thrives on misery. You're going to wake up someday and realize your entire life has past you by, or worse, you'll die from the stress and aggravation if he doesn't start beating you and when you're gone, HE'S GOING TO MOVE ON WITH SOMEONE ELSE!! I SAY "WAKE UP!!!" Unless he's abusive, which in that case you've got to use strategy, you should cut your loses and move on wile you're able. No matter how much you feel he's suffering it's not even close compared to what he's turned your life into.

Answer 6

You need to have him removed from your house and tell him you need to separate. even though he has lost his family that is not an excuse for being an alcoholic. A lot of people have lost almost all of their families and they do not have to become alcoholics. You need to tell him he needs to get help for his addiction but until he does you will be unable to talk to him. If you continue to allow him to treat you this way he will eventually kill your self esteem and drag you down with him. most importantly right now you need to have him removed from your house before he becomes violent.

Answer 7

When he goes to work, pack all his clothes and put them at the curb. Call the cops and tell them what time he gets home so, be there, just in case, then call your attorney. Tell the attorney you want a restraining order.
That should take care of everything.

Answer 8

You are being a enabler. Your allowing this type of destructive behavior from him thinking it will all get better one day, and as you see, it isn't. It won't either. He needs a grief counseler. he turned to alcohol and it will destroy him, and any relationship he is in. You mentioned you love him, but does he love you. If so, you need to go to him and tell him he needs to get into a alcohol treatment program now. Today., and he needs grief counseling too. If he refuses either, you need to tell him you have been with him all through his trials in Life, but if he isn't willing to help himself, you can no longer be with him. You need to be strong. You do not deserve this, and he doesn't deserve such a sweetheart as you. Good luck.

Btw, your welcome to email me to keep in touch

Answer 9

You should really stay clear of this guy. You know he has trouble and his coping ability doesn't seem to be very well developed.

If you marry him, you do so knowing that your life will likely always be in turmoil.

Call Dr. Laura Schlesinger. She'll set you straight.

Answer 10

You move out. Sorry he's depressed but are you supposed to sacrifice your entire life & your happiness because of it? If you aren't still in love with him, get your **** & move out.