Is he just a good actor?

Question

My husband has a dual personality that's very confusing. On the one hand, he could be very affectionate, other times emotionally disconnected.and insensitive. He kisses me good morning, good night, before he goes to work & when he comes back. He takes care of the 2 boys, 5yrs & 18 mos old, bathes them, feeds them. Does housework, dishes. But theres a side of his personality that's very cold & distant. he pretty much lives in his own world. Has no friends and no interest to have any. I don't think he needs people really. He's even cold & distant w/ his immediate family.He doesn't go anywhere except work & back. Goes out w/ me & the boys. After sex at times I feel used, because I don't feel that were close. We dont spend enough alone time w/ each other w/out the kids, they even sleep w/ us. He finds me attractive sexually & physically & enjoys sex w/ me but mentioned a few times to go somewhere to watch other people have sex. Sexual deviant? Doesn't like anybody. Social deviant? Sick??

I think I may have recognized what the problem might be by reading someone elses post. This woman complained about the total opposite of my problem. She complained that her husband is very romantic, but she wants him to get a little wild also. I met my husband when he was only 23, I was 30. He never had much girlfriends, and needed alot of help on how to be romantic. He's 32 now, and has improved, he brings me flowers and cards, and sends loving text messages, but I have to remind him. I guess I have to tell him to do these things a little more often. I don't mind getting a little wild at times, but I need the romance every now and then also.

acrobatic, I read your post. affection is not the problem, he's very affectionate. kisses and hugs me every day, but what's missing is romance, which is totally different.

Answer 1

You seem to be doing a great job as a wife; and your question shows a lot of insight into men. Yes, we are good actors. Even though we all have deep feelings, for some reason we’re trained from childhood to deny we have them. Most of us act like we don’t have deep feelings! When a woman starts to ‘work’ on us, those years of suppressed feelings start to percolate to the surface. Sometimes they surface as crazy sounding sexual desires because we’re still trying to figure out the emotional side of our sexuality. Try not to be scared or disgusted. Your husband sounds like he’s really trying to be a good lover. As you continue to make him feel safe and accepted … as you seem to have done so far … he’ll get more and more of the whole picture. You are doing a great thing!

Answer 2

Some people, for whatever reason, just don't express their affection in a straightforward manner. And men especially are more likely to DO things to show their love (like helping out around thehouse, taking care of lawn, etc.), as opposed to verbally expressing it or being "cuddly", like many women do.

I'm not saying all men are like this, I just think there are quite a few that fit this pattern.

Sorry if this sounds judgemental, but you must have known he was like this before you got married, and if not then, then you knew he was like this by the time you started having kids.

... So in a way you got what you signed up for.

But Tess there ARE things you can do to show him you want closeness: Ask if he's willing to hug/hold you after sex, or ask to make a ritual of quickly kissing each other (and a quick hug) before you get out of bed in the morning. These little habits may open doors to further affectionate behavior between you two.

If you want him to express his attractiveness toward you more, ask for it. You need to ask him specifically what will make you feel loved. If he's willing to do it, that's already proof he cares for you; a genuinely loving gesture ;)

Addendum: What's the difference between kissing/hugging a lot, and romance?? Same answer:

Whatever behavior you consider "romantic", tell him so he can hopefully provide it lol.

Answer 3

Part of what you describe are classic signs of an Introvert. And there is nothing wrong with introversion.

Nothing wrong with watching others have sex whether pornography or live.