Why is it so important for men to act like he's in control and be "cool" around the guys?

Question

Am I wrong for getting irritated that my husband is like this? IT seems that he has to act cool for his friends. By acting cool I mean he has to show that even now that he's married, he is still in control of his own life. He still does his own thing. He can still go like he was going before, because after all, nothing has changed except his marital status. For instance, we are on a tight budget but he would rather spend money we don't have picking up the tab for his friends when they go out for drinks. No, he doesn't do it all the time but when he does do it he doesn't check our account so ensure there is adequate funds. He and a co-worker may go out for beers and drinks (no food) and the bill will be almost $40. We have talked about this and he said he doesn't feel like he is sharing the wealth since they pay for his bill sometimes. I understand that he wants to treat his friends sometimes and I have no problem with that. I treat my cousin at times. But if I tell him ...

We don’t have money for him to gulp up this pay period, he will get upset and say he needs to get a second job because we don’t have enough money to do anything. We purchased a house which we did a budget for and we can pay the mortgage, our two car payments, car insurance and all of our other bills and still have money left. Not the amount that he wants to have left, but we will have enough if we manage every dollar and pay every bill on time. He already works eleven hour days, four days a week. Where will he find the time to get a second job? Believe me, I have no objections to him spending money drinking and going out … but, any extra money that I get goes towards things for the house. I understand that he’s a guy and could care less about decorations, but if he spends the extra money we do have on entertainment, either that or we’ll go out to eat a few times, where is the money going to come from for the things I want?

I recently launched a small business out of my home where I provide clerical services. It hasn’t quite gotten off the ground but I have made about $100 from it so far. So I am trying to do what I know how to do to bring in extra revenue. But still, I am not doing this so we can have money to go party, drink and eat out. Yes, some of it will be for that but most of it will be saved or put toward bills and household items. He just refuses to look like an *** and tell his friends he can’t go to the club or out to Hooter’s because he doesn’t have money this weekend. He goes all the time and he does a lot for someone with a budget as tight as ours. I don’t go anywhere. I just spend money on decorations every now and then, if I can fit it in to the budget. What gives here?

Answer 1

Only "Men" who have alot of growing up to do act that way around their friends.

Answer 2

Are you working a full time job? If not, why not?

He is working 44 hours a week already, and is talking about getting a part time job. You are trying to start your own business, but could easily make more money if you were to work full time!!

He is working hard, and if he can not spend forty dollars once in a while without it being a major crisis, he feels like he is not getting anything out of his hard work.

You spend money on stuff he does not really care about, and claim that it is not for you, but "for the house". Look at what he brings into the home, and understand that he needs a bit of reward for his hard work. If all he can do is go to work and come home and sit, he will feel that he is getting nothing out of working.

If he was spending 100's of dollars at the bar, you would have a right to be upset. You are trying to deny him $40. If you try to completely control him, his resentment will build, and there will be much more serious problems in the marriage!

Answer 3

My initial thought when I first started reading your question was "it's just a penis thing!"...however, I think after reading that it's mucy more than that! He's trying to keep up an old image of himself with his friends...probably to be accepted and feel like he still fits in. This financial irresponsibility can lead to major financial problems and even serious marital problems. One thing you can do is when you get paid, sit down together and pay the bills...this way he knows exactly what has to be paid and what is left over. If there is enough, then allocate a budgeted amount to each of you as an allowance. This can be his "play" money to go out with his buddies....when it's gone, it's gone...send him out with cash only...he needs to leave the check book at home!

Answer 4

Your husband's problem is NOT about acting cool. It is his poor discipline in finance.

Sure enough, guys like to act cool and in control in front of other guys. And buying a meal here and there instead of AA is common as long as everybody takes turn.

The issue is simply that there is not enough income to cover the expenses. Given all the financial commitments such as bills and mortgage, either there is more money or certain expenses have to be curtailed. Frankly, your household is already at an unstable point as there is no cushion. Any event can turn your finance into a tailspin and big debts. And you have no room for having kids.

The self discipline of controlling one's urge to spend comes with maturity. We all know drinks and eating out are expensive. Both spouses have to practice it so there is no feeling of unfairness. Spending is so easy and saving is very hard.

Answer 5

While doing some research from all of your othe questions it seems to be that maybe you may not be truely happy with your husband. I dont blame you, My ex was like that I couldnt take it anymore and I had to walk out, not that i was happy to and lets face it I was completely head over heels for him. But the thing is reguardless if hes doing something wrong or not in other peoples eyes, it really boils down to how you feel bout the situation because only you can deside what to do about it. Talk to him, Go to counseling, read up on the situations.....all very good answers but the true one is in your heart. How do you feel and what do you want to do about it.

Answer 6

know how you feel, my husband is terrible with money. I had to write a list of what I take care of and a list of what his responsibilities are. I know that it’s said once you get married that everything becomes ours not yours and mines but when you are not good with money that goes out the window. First get your own bank account that he doesn’t know about because he doesn’t need to know about it or at least he doesn’t need to know how much is in it ( don’t get paper statements, if he sees how much you have that will allow him to continue to spend unwisely because he knows that you will cover it, when he asks you if you have any money tell him your broke, you have things to pay). Designate what bills you are to pay and the bills that he needs to pay ( I don’t split bills with my husband, this ensures that it gets paid…..LOL!!) It also ensures that if he decides to blow his money once he pays his portion of bills that’s fine, at least you know that you still have your stash. When it comes to money, I have learned that men and women think differently when it comes to spending. When/If you do this just make sure that it’s an equal amount spent on bills, it will save on any future arguments. It keeps things fair, the only thing that we rotate on is laundry and food.

Answer 7

sounds like he's still really immature and hasn't kicked in that he's now married and has more important things to do with whatever time he has left than to be hangin out with his friends. Do this- don't be stupid!! open a separate accnt under your mom's name or someone you relaly trust and put away at least $40-/week so if he wants to do what he wants let him but when he figures you guys are broke hopefully he'll get his sh it together and stop f uc kin around and do what he has to do- be a man and husband to you.

Answer 8

"Why is it so important for men to act like he's in control and be "cool" around the guys?" It's called EGO and "one up manship" men are fierce competitors and the more immature they are the more they can't let someone else outdoo them. Obviously you're married to a man who hasn't gotten out of puberty yet.

Answer 9

For one you should have separate accounts OUTSIDE the joint one. That will allow him to have his separate pot of money. Make an agreement that you'll wouldn't use the joint account for nothing more than for bills and mortgage. That'll make him use his money more wisely.

Answer 10

Its an irritating thing that woman go through , but most guys act this way with there friends! I dunno think they think they can do whatever they want!