Woman ONLY answer please. Am I being a jerk?

Question

My fiancé is insisting on inviting her ex to our wedding. I told her that this will make me uncomfortable but she says she wants her friend there. She is friends with his wife. Now I know she will not cheat on me and if she did it would not be with him but I still feel uncomfortable about him being there. She says that I am not taking into account how she would feel telling one of her friends that they can not come to our wedding. I suggested his wife come with her brother or a friend and she said that she won’t come without her husband.
I am looking into buying a weekend getaway package to anonymously giving to them that would require them to be out of town that day. I am talking about a nice romantic weekend at a bed and breakfast near them. Is this being to sneaky? Being direct with her doesn't work. Being honest with her on how I feel and even admitting that my feelings are irrational doesn't work.

I do understand that I am being unreasonable. And I do trust her, especially with him. As of right now they are coming to just the reception but not the ceremony. I mentioned the other night that if he is there than I don't care what our song is or the cake or anything else because that is all I will be thinking about. That was not a good idea. When she would talk to me again I apologiezed but I still feel that way.
I guess I am asking how bad will it be if she finds out for sure it was me giving them the gift?

Answer 1

I have a sneaking suspicion it would be BAD if she found out you bribed them.

Answer 2

No, I don't think you are being a jerk. But forget about the weekend getaway thing. It is being sneaky and you don't want to start your marriage off like that. Plus you shouldnt have to. Why would her friend not come without this guy( the ex)?That sounds sooo childish.Is this an ex boyfriend, or ex-husband? I think she should respect your feelings and he should not be there if you genuinely feel it is going to bother you. Now if you just a jealous, pain in the a-- and your just trying to be really nasty about it by saying you dont want this guy here , then thats not right either . This is just the beginning of things you are going to disagree on. I hope it all works out ok for the both of you.

Answer 3

Well, I have to say that I could have never come up with the weekend package thing!!!

I see your point, but he is not a single ex coming to the wedding. He will be with his wife. I really don't think you have anything to worry about.

You accept the fact that they are friends, so why not let them come? You will have so many things going on that you probably won't have to encounter with him too much.

Why let this put a strain on your wedding? It's only one night. I say bite your tongue and let them come. What if you buy the package and they don't use it? You shouldn't feel any pressure with her married ex (friend) there.

After all, he is an ex, and you are the winning man! You are the one she is marrying, and she is proud enough of you to show you off! Look at it like you've won her!

Good luck! And best wishes to the both of you! May you have a happy life together! Don't worry it will all work out. You will say " Well, that wasn't as bad of an idea as I thought"! :)

Answer 4

Remember, if it's a fairly large and traditional wedding, then you are going to be so bogged down all day with activity that having someone there you particularly don't want might not even distract you long enough from your activities. He'll just be another face in the crowd that you might see for a few moments at a time.

What do you have to feel threatened by him being there? She's marrying you, not him - unless, that is, you truly suspect them of being unfaithful. If that's the case, then that's the real issue you need to address before your marriage.

If you are just being run-of-the-mill jealous, then by hanging up your feelings for one day and welcoming him with open arms to the wedding might show everybody (and yourself) what a great guy you are and that you are mature enough to look past your irrational emotions and allow everybody to celebrate this marriage along with you and your new wife.

Congratulations on your marriage. :-)

Answer 5

Are they friends? I mean, is it more than just an ex-boyfriend or has a friendship developed? I am very good friends with an old college boyfriend of mine and his wife and I would have been devastated if my husband had demanded they not go to our wedding or our joint bachelor/bachelorette party (they were at both and we all had a blast).

Relax, you don't want to start your marriage by acting like this. Going behind her back to make sure she doesn't get what she wants without you looking like a bad-guy? Yes, that is being a jerk. And you would be pissed if she started telling you who you could and couldn't invite to your own wedding. You admit that you have nothing to worry about, so why worry? Why start your marriage under this veil of subterfuge. Besides, if someone anonymously gave you a weekend get-away, wouldn't you be suspicious?

So, in short: Yes, you are being a jerk. Yes, it is too dishonest (you say sneaky, I say lying). And yes, you will get caught and even if you don't, not being able to admit your feelings is your problem, not hers and she shouldn't have to pay the price for your insecurity.

EDIT: How bad will it be if she finds out you lied and connived on your wedding day? Bad. Very very very bad. Very bad. Like, if it were me, annulment bad. Like returning all the gifts and moving out of your place bad. Like her going out and sleeping with tons of guys to at least give you a good reason to be jealous bad.

Quit being such a little prick. If you can't be more mature, you shouldn't be getting married. And I can't believe that you told her you didn't care about the wedding if they were going to be there. Apologizing is not enough for that childish behavior, you need to grow up and start acting like a man instead of a whiny little baby.

Oh, and I don't think that it's that being direct doesn't work for her, it just doesn't work for you. You are being irrational and she called you on it and so you didn't get what you want. Boo Hoo. You would prefer to lie and scheme and act like a child because, gosh darn it, being an adult is just so damned hard.

Get over it.

Answer 6

This is what marriage is all about. Compromise. Is it really going to ruin your day if her ex is there? Is it REALLY that big of a deal to lie and sneak around?When she finds out you were dishonest and manipulative are the consequences worth it? Honesty and trust are irreplaceable and once those feelings are gone..they are almost impossible to gain back. So think this over.. a few hours in the same room with a man your wife-to-be used to have a relationship with,but now is happily,in love with you and he has moved on to a committed relationship as well..is it worth giving up your wife being able to trust you? I hope you answer yourself no.

Answer 7

I think your fiance's friend is being unreasonable that she will only come if her husband comes. There is no reason she cant come alone or with another girlfriend.

I do have 2 ex's that I consider friends, only 1 I would invite to a wedding, but if my BF said no, I wouldnt push it. After all I would kill him if he invited his last ex...frigid little $*@!^(! Anywho... I understand how you feel. But I wouldnt do your sneaky idea, likely is that they will catch on. However I do think you need to take a more dramatic step with your fiance to express your side... what that may be I dont know?

Maybe invite your ex to a dinner party and see how she feels afterward. May be a BIG mistake but thats all I can think of.

Answer 8

Why is she compelled to be friends with them anyway . Sounds like she cannot cut the apron strings there .
It is downright tacky to invite them . Let it finally rest . You start a new chapter in your life and this old failed part should be closed , shut, finis !
That weekend package is a waste of money . Just step up to the plate and be a man . Tell her no dice . No ex is horning in on your happy day . Be firm about it and hope for the best . I am telling you, if she does not have enough horse- sense to see it for what it is, you will have worse trouble later on . Better examine your relationship I think it is serious enough to call of the wedding for until she grows up and gets the message.
P.S. No you are not a jerk but you will become one if you cave in .

Good Luck

Answer 9

Well you have a very weird idea with sending them out of town. My boyfriend says the same thing. My Ex, also my best friend, comes over to my house all the time. My boyfreind says he trust me but not him. I don't think your being a jerk, but I wouldn't take the chance of your fiance finding out and then getting really upset. Just let them come, it's not like they're attending your honeymoon. Just try to get along with them for that one day for your fiance. good luck.

Answer 10

This is your WEDDING DAY - means your day. If you are not comfortable having an ex BF there at your wedding day, then you should not invite them. This should be understood by your GF, it's a no biggie issue. If at this point, you are already having a hard time compromising, then what if it's a bigger issue? I think your wife should understand how would you feel having her EX in the wedding.

Answer 11

Quit being so insecure. I agree with you that inviting him is a dumb idea, but either you insist she don't or get over it. You can't have it both ways. Either she gets her way or you get your way. Usually the man gives in to the woman; it is called being hen-pecked and controlled.
I would never spend money to give them a vacation just to keep them away, also they might use it later as in after the wedding.
Prepare to meet this behaviour in your marriage, dumb ideas, you disagree and wonder what to do. Better deal with it now!
Inviting an ex to a wedding to me is stupid, but then it takes all kinds.