Would I be wrong to confront his mother?

Question

My husband's van was totaled by a woman who fell asleep at the wheel and rammed it from behind. Because she was a single parent with quite a few kids, my husband worked out a settlement with her to give him $60.00 a month. Here's the dilema: Because she stays in the same community where his mother lives, he arranged for her to just drop the money off over his moms. His mom seems to feel its ok for her to just take whatever money she wants and then tells my husband about it after the fact. I am totally pissed off because my husband is so tight when it comes to me asking for money. I told him i was going to say something to his mom about doing that. What she takes from him impacts me too, seeing that he is now married. He told me he didn't care if i said anything to her. He acts like he can't say no to her. How should I handle this. We are struggling just like she is. By the way, she has a husband too.

Answer 1

I'm having a hard time getting beyond the $60 a month payment for a totaled van. Didn't anyone have insurance?? If not, isn't it illegal to drive without car insurance?
Tell the woman driver to mail a check or money order to your house and bypass your MIL completely.

Answer 2

Yes and no.

Yes you would be wrong - this is his mother so he really should take care of the problem himself.

No, it would not be wrong - if he's not going to do anything about it, then you should since you too have a family to sustain.

That said, I'd not "confront" her per se. Instead I'd sit down with her gently and explain that this money is very crucial to keep your family going. Perhaps that will help. You could also have a talk with your father in law instead and have him talk to his wife. That might work too. Confrontation should be a last resort, it's usually better to try to solve the issue in a mature relaxed manner.

And there is another option that would solve the problem, have the woman send the money directly to you or your husband thereby bypassing your mother in law.

I hope that helps a little. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Have the woman mail your husband a check instead of give it to his mother. You now know that your mother in law can't be trusted with money, and most likely that will never change.

Sit down and have a talk with your husband and explain how much this is bothering you. Ask him to contact the other driver and change the payment arrangements so there is no 'middle-man.' In the future, keep his mother out of your financial life.

Good luck

Answer 4

You wouldn't be wrong but he is the one who should confront her. I have it a feeling it wont change much. She is who she is as a person. I would tell your husband to just have the woman mail a check directly to him and cut your mother in law out of the entire situation. That seems like the most simple solution to me. Confronting his mother about her doing something she already knows is wrong isn't going to do anything except cause a big family rift. See this as a way for you to learn a couple valuable lessons. 1) never trust your mother in law with money and 2) Your husband needs to learn how to stand up to mommy. Bypass your mother in law when it comes to the 60 bucks and help your husband become a better person so in the future, when he needs to, he can stand up to his mother and put his foot down! Good luck :)

Answer 5

Boys sometimes have a hard time saying no to their moms. It is a mother son bond thing. She shouldn't be doing this you are right but I feel it is his place to say something otherwise it may just create problems. She will say oh my daughter in law is causing problems trying to come between my son and I etc... I had the same problem with my first marriage, hense why it is now the first marriage and not the current marriage. I do not know the situation between the two but some mothers who have sons that are single seem to clutch tighter to the son, in my case she sub consciencely viewed him as the bread winner and it never stopped. He started taking care of her when he was 14 working and going to school and so he took on that role. It never stopped. Now he says it is okay for you to say something but I would run it by him first, write down a converstation you plan on having with her then make sure he sees it and says it is okay before you do it also make sure he knows what can happen if you do it insted of him and make sure he can handle it if it does, not saying it will but just in case. When you make the call, make sure you use words like I feel and I think do not use you keep taking or any phrase that can be taken in a defensive mannor on their part. Explain that you are on a tight budget right now and if she needs help to just call and you will be happy to try and help out. That way you are leaving the door open for her and giving her a note that you care.Good luck

Answer 6

I don't think you should after all it was your husbands car. Besides i say this b/c you do not want a fallout with the mother in law it will only make things difficult. If your husband loves you he should try to talk to his mother and work things out. She seems like she has your husband wrapped around her fingers and she seems to be taking advantage of the money situation. That is unfair to the both of you. Your husband needs to let her know it is affecting your relationship. If he respects you he will work things out with his mother.

Answer 7

That's a hard one. If it were about something other than money, I was going to say that what helps me is talking to my husband about things and WRITING my Mother in law a loooong letter that I never send. But yeah, maybe you should tell her how you feel, but take out all the emotion. But AFTER you tell your husband to rearrange the situation with the woman taking the money to your Mother in law. That was just ASKING for drama.

Answer 8

Confronting her will not change anything!!! Been there, know that. Had an ex like this one. With only difference that he used to let his hands go wild if I would even look sideways at his mother. If you guys are apart and your ex is married and his mother is married too let him know that it affects you or go the official way. Unfortunately I don't know the whole story here so can't add much. Take care.

Answer 9

Instead of confronting his mother, why don't you avoid the whole thing. Instead contact the women who caused the damage and tell her that things have changed and she now has to deliver the money to you guys instead of his mom. She is the one who caused it so she should be going out of her way to pay you guys back. Then it avoids the whole "confrontation" with is mom, cause even though he said it was OK. You'll be the one hearing if you hurt her feelings or something and of course it will be your fault not hers. Good luck.

Answer 10

What your mother in law is doing is completely wrong and you have a right to confront her. It isn't her money. But wouldn't it be easier to have the single mom mail the money every month.