Am I in love with my husband or infatuated with this new man?

Question

I am an African American female that has been married to a slightly younger Lithuanian male for almost two years. We never really dated (we have been together a total of three years and this is NOT a green card marriage) so we are still learning about each other. I have sought an online relationship to make up for the missing elements in our marriage. I have found a Russian man, seven years younger, and 225 miles away, that makes me feel alive again. He has an African American girlfriend but we have discussed having a discrete intimate relationship. I love my husband, but I can’t get this new man of my mind. I have been incredibly needy as well as jealous of his girlfriend. How do I contain these feelings and move on? How do I effectively communicate with my husband that I would like him to give me what the “other man” does without emasculating him and destroying our marriage?

Thank you for all of your advice, however, no one has answered the underlining question: how do I effectively communicate with my husband? I have tried and it obviously hasn't worked. We discussed marriage counseling but you have to understand that not all men, including my husband, are comfortable discussing their feelings let alone with another person or therapist.

Answer 1

Though I've had many people disagree with me, your situation is an example of my belief that a person can actually be very infatuated with and/or attracted to more than one person at the same time. To cut to the chase, this is about a decision to commit to someone. Either commit to your husband and work on your relationship (and completely put the new guy behind you), or consider whether you want to pursue a divorce for the freedom to pursue others. There shouldn't be any middle ground--choose.

Since it seems like you are more interested in the marriage, I suggest that you communicate with him about what you've learned about yourself. IMHO, I do not see a need to tell him about the other guy. Consider it an indiscretion that did not cross the line too far, a learning experience. Tell him about your needs and work on that, or possibly go to a marriage counselor to enhance the relationship.
DP

Answer 2

Never seek marital help outside your marriage. End the relationship with the Russian man today. Work on your self esteem. Men don't "make" us happy, they add to our happiness. When you work on becoming a better person, you will see your husband in a different light. He will respond to the positive changes you are making on a personal level. Take the time and energy you are using on the affair, and learn to make yourself feel "alive" again by doing the things that you're passionate about. How can your husband give you what you want when your focus is somewhere else? When we're not getting what we want in relationships, it's usually more about us, less about the other person. It seems to me that you need a man to validate who you are. Learn to give that to yourself and you'll be happier in ANY relationship. Good luck :)

Answer 3

I see a lot of people saying you MUST end the relationship with the other guy NOW! I don't think you'll do that, but you've received a lot of really good advice about how you should talk to your husband about what's missing. Give the poor guy a chance! He doesn't even know he's not fulfilling your needs.

See how he reacts. Let him know when he's doing good. I suspect that once he gives you what you felt was missing, your love for him will just naturally lead to you feeling less and less for the other guy.

Answer 4

First you need to have some self respect as well as some respect for your husband and your relationship.

You began cheating when you looked for and created an emotional relationship with this other man.

For all you know it could be the guy down the block that is lying and saying he is Russian and far away.

You should have started the questioning with how do I more effectively communicate with my husband.

Drop the other guy immediately. Do not ever communicate with him again. You have not only disrespected your marriage but his relationship as well.

Talk to your husband and let him know what you need. Perhaps you are not filling his needs either and he will have some "honey do's" for you as well.

Answer 5

You've been bored for a long time and this new man is totally refreshing ur mind and he makes u feel alive and exicted. The spark in ur marriage is there but it's dull and ur just infatuated with this new man. If u keep this relationship than a lot of conflict can be avoided.

Answer 6

if you are having questions with parts of your marriage sit down and talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, what you think is lacking.this is your first step.
this on-line romance is a problem in it self, how do you know he is whom he says and not something else.
let are a lot of guys out there will talk some really good **** to a woman in your situation. maybe for sex, money, etc.
stop your communications with this guy or you may really have a problem. there are lots of places to receive counseling for free, or at a small fee.
work on your marriage and dump the horny on-line guy...
be wise not open to predators.

Answer 7

You have issues, girlie. You DO NOT go outside of your marriage. Ever. Period. Don't do it. Its the cheapest thing in the world. Something is empty inside of YOU, not missing from what your husband is doing. That empty place causes you to place expectations on your husband because of your failure to confidently COMMUNICATE THEM to him. TELL HIM how you want to be treated REGARDLESS of some other guy. You do it gently, if not subtly through seduction. I hope I haven't insulted you because my intention is to help. You seem like you have your mind made up but even in the way you MET your husband and this man who is SOMEONE ELSE'S MAN that you have INTIMACY issues that you avoid through casual contact where there should be true RELATIONSHIPs built. PEace to you.

Answer 8

Good heavens doesn't anyone take their marriage vows seriously anymore? Talk to your husband about how you feel and what you feel is missing in your marriage. Schedule some marriage counseling sessions for you both. You don't need a new man, you just need to remember the vows you took with this one.

Answer 9

I think you need to find for what' missing at home. You may be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. Give your marriage the attention you are giving this new man and you should notice a difference. Be the change you want to see.

Answer 10

PLEASE...go see a marriage therapist. My girlfriend is one..and she has helped so many people in your situation. I know that your husband will resist...but if he does, go by yourself. You will learn what is motivating YOU to stray..and then that might help your marriage stay afloat.