I'm so worried, please i need your help!?

Question

Before me and my husband got married, there was a lady who use to call at home to speak to my husband. So one day i asked my husband jokingly if he has ever dated the lady, he refused and said she was only a friend. He had even dined with this lady while he was away for work in London and while we were together. All i knew was she is his friend. They met during one of his holidays before we ever met each other. One day i was in the study looking for some documents when my eyes fell on a plastic bad tied in a bundle. I pick it up, untied it to fine out what it was, It was a collection of letters and the first one i could lay my hands on was a letter from this lady, telling him how much she loved and missed him. In short, love declaration. I was shocked, and i thought why would he lie to me especially as its his past? I confronted him, and all he said was that, its the past and its nothing to worry about. I'm angry and worried that he lies about something so small..........please help!

What if he's been lying to me about ohter things? He hasn't even said he is sorry. That's what makes me the more angry. I'll appricaite your comments.

Thanks everyone.

Answer 1

I had the same shock from my own relationship and struggled for a long time with it. I had never imagined being in a relationship with secrets like this. The reality is you never know, until you are struck by your fate. I have experienced all emotions or reactions outlined in other answers - it is a painful process, no matter what your final decision is, and how it will turn out to be.

I can only comment that men or women who are not able to tidy up their past are very STUPID, as they destroyed their current lives in a way that it can never go back, and hurt their loved ones deeply. Normally people of this type react badly when confronted - they were not very good in dealing with mess to get themselves into such situation to start with. Sometimes, there is no point even asking how he responded to the love declaration, as the more information you have, the more damages it may do to the relationship when it did not happen in the way you would like.

It is important though to clarify what the current situation is between them and set down clear boundaries for steps forward. There is no standard ways as to how to do it, as we all have different circumstances and levels of acceptance. You have to be honest to yourself and tell him how you feel and what you want, and try to control yourself not to be seen as blaming. Be firm and clear. If necessary you should write down specifics - if your requests are vague, it is easy to have further argument when things do not happen exactly as you wish it to be. (eg, if you do not wish him to talk to her again, outline it clearly. I had a situation when i said you should not contact her, he said responding to her text is not contacting.)

I hope you will feel better soon and things may not be as bad as you think. However, If you feel it difficult to trust again and deal with your own negative emotions, I am happy to share my thoughts on that as well... All the best for the moment.

Answer 2

I will tell you like this. Men are stupid, point blank period. The way the situation went down makes it sound like he didn't want to hurt your feelings. And by doing it the only way he knows how...by drowning it and throwing it in the ocean never to be seen again. But what he didn't know is that you were a lifeguard for 4 years. It is typical for a male to lie just to spare someone's feelings. He probably thought you would get upset with him when you found out that they used to date and he was still close with her. That would lead to thoughts of cheating and all the other things that go with being a friend with a ex. It's just like when a female tells her spouse that she only slept with 3 men her whole life and you go to her high school reunion to find out you married Jenna Jameson. Don't think of it in a negative sense. Think of it as a white lie gone terribly wrong and that he was trying to spare your feelings and show you that you are all that he sees when he closes his eyes and the first thing he wants to see when he opens his eyes every morning. Your man loves you so don't push him away because of something you think is a big deal when it's not. Hope I helped a little bit and keep your marriage strong. It's not over until one of you are no longer living.

Answer 3

I am the same way. There are several at home treatments you can try. I find relaxation techniques such as yoga, breathing exercises stretching can work. Finding a happy place, a fun memory or favorite activity you can think about. For some people music will work, playing a favorite song can alter you mindset. If you feel as though nothing works it is always advisable to go talk to a therapist. There may be something triggering your stress that can be resolved. Good luck.

Answer 4

I don't like the fact that he kept it secret but as for the lady herself I would not worry. Like someone on here says, we all kept old love letters and pictures of our ex. Now that I think about it I still have a box full of letters from my ex husband while stationed in Cyprus 20 years ago. Tell your husband you are bothered by this woman now and you need him to reassure you. That way he won't be on the defense and will explain what is really the situation.

Answer 5

Has this woman called since you two got married? If not, let sleeping dogs lie. No one likes to be lied to but his past really should be his past and since no one on earth has found a way to change the events of the PAST than you would probably best be served by living in the present and paying attention to your guy and enjoying your marriage and your husband now. You probably have great memories of a certain someone that you haven't shared with him because they are yours and yours alone and if not than that's okay too. If it ever comes up again you can tell your husband that you have always suspected she was "more than a friend" and that it hurt you to be lied to but you have put it all behind you for the betterment of your future together. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 6

I don't know why men lie about something so trivial like this. I understand TOTALLY how you feel, believe me. It does make you have trust issues about everything else he's been telling you especially if you've trusted him from day one.

All I can say is that you have every right to be angry. But anger left un-checked is dangerous. So my advice would be to put a plan in place to catch him red handed. If you don't have the patience and time or agility to do this then wait and he will hang himself. I 100% garantee it!

Answer 7

Well let put it this way does who does he comes home to? You or her? Who does he take care off? You or her. When ask directly what does he say to you? If the answer is all you than you have nothing to worry about.

However if you are still hurt than what do you want him to do to show that he really means what he say. Ask yourself this question first then maybe you could talk to him and say like if you really love me lets burn the letters together over a bon fire

or suggest to him that you demand that he prove his love by taking you on a romantic holiday and him to romance you (wining and dining, roses and fine food, love poetry anything that makes you fall for him over and over).

He he he better this way right than to fight over something you actually say to yourself small but it hurts.

Answer 8

I understand that you're very worried but i think the best thing to do is to talk to him about this, its the only way that you can let it go and forget about it without being paranoid. If you tell him that you really need to know why he's kept it if its nothing, but make sure that you tell him that you trust him completely and don't make any accusations. He needs to know that it's just that you can't get it out of your head until you both talk about it. Good luck, and don't worry too much there's bound to be a reasonable explanation x

Answer 9

the fact that he has been so coy about this suggests that there is more to this than meets the eye. he has been speaking and seeing this lady since the two have you been together and to me that is cheating. how many men if they were honest would refuse it if it was offered on a plate. not many! i would tell him that you want the truth as you cannot move on until you know and that this could damage your relationship beyond repair. if he loves you he will tell you, if not ditch him he is lying. this maybe not what you want to hear but i wish you the best of luck xx

Answer 10

It seems to me that leaving love letters just laying around is pretty inconsiderate as your husband probably knew you would stumble over them, i agree that everyone has a past but in marriage he has made a new life so past love letters should be discarded. seems to me he is either playing a game to make you jealous or is actually having the affair and doesn't give a toss about the circumstances.

My advise.confront him and ask for the truth or move on luv