me and my conscience?

Question

as you may have read from my previous questions im having trouble with this really annoying girl that keeps following me and my friends she rarely talks and seems to be frightened of almost everyone and everything making her enitrely socially dependent on us this can be very draining and tiring as we basically act as full time carers for her and some people have even suggested that she has such a serious condition as passive agressive or aspergers syndrome. she is terrified of speaking to teachers etc. so recently wen one of our teachers calls her angela (getting her confused with her sister) she always used to wait for me and my mates to correct the teacher and tell her that her name was not in fact angela it was christina. also she is very socially dependent on me and we are off to uni next september so i have made up a list of fake uni's to try and fobb her off, however, sometimes she is really nice ie. buying nice presents for people on birthdays and sometimes she can be

ok to talk to...sometimes i am so racked with guilt for trying to make her be independent i get very upset :'-( what can i do about my conscience??

nooooooo you've all misunderstood i do think she is a nice girl and i was jus using the presents things as an example, i for one, couldnt care less about presents wen its my birthday because im not realli a materialistic sort of person, i was just trying to make the point that she does sometimes do nice things. and to all of you who have called me a 'so called friend' i do want to be her friend i just find it highly frustrating that she follows me and is very dependent on me to speak for her etc. i would like to see any one of you act as basically a full time carer for an extremely shy, possibly mentally disabled person without it getting you down every now and then... if any of you had read the question properly you would see that i said i FEEL terrible about making her be more socially independent and what can i do about my feelings for this?? not how can i get rid of her or whatever... please everyone before you answer a question next time put yourself in the aksers place.

Answer 1

Oh this is difficult for you, I can understand what your trying to explain. Her dependency is frustrating but you don't want to hurt her as you can see that she's not doing it intentionally to annoy you and you don't want to hurt her feelings either. Sounds like she has some major problems, confidence being one of them and that's why she relies on you as she can see that you can be trusted. Have you raised your concerns with anyone else about this, maybe a member of staff that you can confide in or even her sister, but that depends on the age of the sister and how they get along and is she likely to be tactful about it. Just try and talk to this girl as best you can and explain how difficult it is going to be for everyone going to a new Uni and meeting new people. Maybe if she thinks you are not as confident as she thinks she might open up to you about her problems, she might feel that she is the only one who experiences this. Maybe if there is an underlying medical problem then she doesn't even realise how dependent she is on you. I'm afraid that if I were you I would try to soldier on with this until the end of term. If you feel you need to tell a few fibs about your choice of uni then don't feel guilty about it as you're just trying to look after your own interests as well as protecting her feelings. Other than that then you just have to tell her exactly how you feel and the effect it's having on your life as tactfully as possible, especially if there's a good chance she might end up in the same uni as you. Tell her you still want to be friends but you need some time out to sort things out and prepare for uni and that you would be happy to help her out sometimes but that you have to try concentrate on your future at the moment as it's very important. Chances are if she has got problems that haven't been diagnosed she may not take it in and will carry on regardless.
I think you should be very proud of yourself for the way you've handled it so far and whatever you decide to do, whether it's put up with it for a short while longer or confront her I think you have been very kind to her in the past, supporting her when she's needed it, even when you haven't really wanted too. Just remember this is a very important time in your life now and you should put yourself first for a while so whatever happens with her don't ever feel guilty about it, as long as you know you tried your best then that's all that matters. Good luck and have a great time in Uni!

Answer 2

Wow, some kind of friend you are. You'll accept her presents and whatever she can do for you, but you find her annoying and want to fob her off?

It does sound like she has a serious problem (at least the way you tell it). If she really is that messed up then she needs more help than you can give her. Perhaps it is time to involve a school official or her parents in this problem so that they can get her the help that she needs. You are not obligated to be her support system, especially if you resent helping her. It's not wrong to back away from someone if you think they are too needy or taking advantage of you. It's better to not be friends than to have that kind of dynamic going on.

If you don't want to be friends with her, that's fine. You should just be honest with her instead of playing games and doing mean secret things to her. Being friends to someone's face while you secretly dislike them and try to drive them away is the definition of passive-aggressive- i.e. it's what *you* are doing to *her*. It's a pretty crummy way to treat someone.

Would you want the people that you thought were your friends to treat you like that? Or would you want a "friend" who thought you were a really annoying girl to just be honest with you so that you could stop trying to be her friend, and move on to some people who might actually like you and not just the presents you give?

I think it's much kinder to just be totally honest with her and tell her that you don't want to be friends anymore.

Answer 3

It seems to me your friend has low self confidence. Have you tried helping her boost her confidence levels? For example, validating her opinions, encouraging her to make decisions for herself and backing her up on them (obviously in a non-patronising manner).

I can see how it must be draining to be propping your friend up all the time. I think the answer lies in the girl's self worth. Have you spoken to her sister to see if she's like this at home? If she ISN'T, it could be crowds of people that trigger her low self esteem, but if she IS, maybe her sister can offer you some advice on how to treat her?

In the long term, don't under estimate how much things can change as you get older. Peoples situations and opinions change, perhaps your friend will gain confidence after she's away from school. I've had a friend who use to be extremely shy all the way through school but once she went to uni, she came out of her shell spectacularly and is a completely different person.

Good luck, I hope it works out for the best for everyone.

Answer 4

I am a great believer in personal development and I personally develop everyone I see whether they want it or not!
But even I know that there is a time and place for everything. She is not ready yet and you pressurising her will not help.

You also need to take stock of your position, if she is a friend then you have a duty to her to help her through life, not do everything for her, but to support her.

If you are just using her to make yourself feel superior then you need help not her.

It is good to have a conscience but it needs to be balanced.
I suggest you sit down with her in a one to one situation and be straight with her, tell her you want to be friends but draw up a sort of contract where you say what you are prepared to do and what not, then ask her what she wants and what she is prepared to do. If you can both agree then great, if not then stop the relationship, as it is affecting you too much in its present form.

Answer 5

some people are leaders and some are followers. your friend is obviously the latter. be nice to her but dont allow her happiness and future depend on you. go to uni as planned. one day her confidence will come and she will find other friends. can you not join a club with her get her to make new friends with a similar interest and then fade away to do your own thing. maybe you could have a word with her parents to see if anything is wrong with her as others have suggested. if she is so quiet and wont say anything chances are she wont pass the interview to get into uni anyway. go about your life but be nice to her. there are too many nasty gits in this world. good luck to you xx

Answer 6

You can't make a person independent. As an individual you lack empathy, compassion and basic understanding of the feelings of others.
Tell her you do not want to spend time with her as in your "professional opinion" she may have mental health problems or some other social stigma, and you find this "draining and tiring" and she is " a really annoying girl who keeps following me and my friends"
That way if nothing else you will have been honest.
As for your conscience, you have absolutely no concept of what a conscience is or what it should be used for, so I wouldn't worry too much on that aspect of things!
People with your attitude to life really do make the world a nicer place.
Don't tell her before you birthday, I wouldn't want you missing out on "really nice presents"

Answer 7

I understand your problem, because I've had a less extreme problem, with a girl who always wanted to sit next to me, and be around me. Try to remember that she's probably not popular, and feels like you and your friends are the only people who accept her, if you're at school, anyway. Try to keep being nice to her, and maybe try to get a teacher in contact with her parents, or a concelor. Good luck.

Answer 8

Have you and your friends tried sitting her down and explaining that she needs to take a rain check. You cant possibly run her life for her anymore and she needs to take some responsibilty. I bet shes a real nice person but looks up to you and your friends as you are all something she wishes she could be. There may be an underlying problem have you spoken to her parents? Try to be as tactful as you can, fobbing her off will only hurt her.

Answer 9

sense of right and incorrect is, i assume, an expertise of stable and evil and a desire to do stable. i've got faith our consciences are God given and are there to be developed. In some human beings the place father and mom have not given worry-unfastened standards of behaviour to stick to then probable the sense of right and incorrect is underdeveloped or perhaps distorted by ability of peer tension. it could be interesting to comprehend what variety of sense of right and incorrect a number of those desperately unlucky toddlers have that have suffered from intense overlook alongside with being close removed from human beings and existence stories.

Answer 10

you sound good hearted behind all the fake uni's!, you can't live the rest of your school days worrying about someone else, uni is hard enough. just apply to whatever schools you want and make your choice, university is much bigger than a normal school so avoiding someone will be quite easy (my god i sound awful), if you don't start now she will be following you around on dates and stuff. you do your own thing and if she copies than thats not your fault, be strong, enjoy uni and have fun.