My bf & I have been together for abt 4 yrs now,met at cllg and have been best of friends,he comes from the same country as I do (pakistan) but from a diff. area/city.About 2 yrs ago his mom & sis talked to my mom for our marriage,my mom said no in a wishy washy way excusing that he was still in grad school and wasnt working and so on for me as well. Now he has a job and everything. How do I tell my parents that I want them to consider him again? They didnt event talk to him the first time!! I thought they needed time but they didnt even ask me about him again, unfortunately the proposals that they talk to me abt always start off by facts such as the guy is working in xyz company making $$$...i dont care about how much a guy is making as I am very much self reliant.This summer my bf is going back to his family for a few months, his family might introduce future prospects to him and if nothing is done on my end, he might be engaged to someone else....
2007-06-25 01:59:04 · 10 answers · asked by Isha 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
an update,i talked with my parents last night and they are still head bound in saying no,i asked why and they said that the family is different and not what they see as being relatives,i asked if they were "bad" in their eyes,they said no but the family is not what they had in mind for me.My folks are not telling me anything more,my dad even ended by saying that we finished the discussion 2 yrs ago and if u want to do something go do it, me,ur mom, grandma and ur brother will never talk to u...what kind of wierd threat is that? now what do i do? my bf tried his best from his family now he doesnt want to be ashamed infront of his mom after such a long time as well....please advise!
2007-06-27 02:12:57 · update #1
Oh sweetie i am so sorry you have to have such parents but i definietly understand your situation. My whole life my parents been giving me all kinds of non-sense advice as well about finding someone from our country and all. I actually lost my first true love (of five years) because of this.
I incidently did find someone from my country but just because he was from a different tribe, they did not approve of him. He was the same color, grew up with people from my mom's tribe and even spoke the language. I recieved all kinds of threatning messages from my uncle and mom, etc. They made all kind of nonsense excuses like he's older, is a student, etc. I was told if i chose him that they would all abandon me, i would bring a shame to the family and if i got hurt not come back asking for forgiveness.
From experience of the first time, i just had enough and this time followed my heart and i knew i wanted to be with him. I knew whatever happens, will happen to me and if i have any regrets it will help me and i will learn from it personally especially since i was no longer a child and didn't need them.
Well to make a long story short, i choose him and we are happily living together now for three years. My family now see how indpendent we are of any of them and have started taking interest in getting to know him and better yet i haven't heard them being discriminative anymore. My mom had actually finally started taking interest in being freinds with people of different races although she didn't approve of them previously when i had them. My granparents are happy 4 me.
In your case i would have to tell you that your relatives will continue making such excuses endlessly and it is up to you to make the move. My parents intent was to arrange a marriage for me with someone they didn't even know or find. I think that's what's going to happen to you if you don't take matter into your own hand.
I completely understand where they are going with this (my father is a middle easter). By stepping up, you'll show them that you truly are self sufficient as you claim and that you really care about this guy and truly want to be with him and that's when they will start taking you seriously. They probably think that you're going through a phase that you'll soon get over and as you can see its been years and you still have feelings for him. So go on and take a chance. And the best thing is that both of you want to be married to each and settle rather than just date. That's a big difference from what most couples are doing these days.
(My mom is Christian and my father a Muslim) while the Quran and the Bible tell us to "honour or mother amd father" it doesn't necessarily mean to obey them -especially when you're an adult (i learnt this the hard way). As long as you honour them personally and for all the things and support they've given you over the years, then you've done your part. You don't owe them anything because they are the parents and their job is to raise us and be there for us. Insha Allah your situation changes. Remain blessed
P.S. don't leave things to chance since the two of you aren't breaking up of personal reasons, you'll later regret not taking a chance. I do every once in a while and can't turn back the time to change things so don't be like me. Listen to your heart and follow it.
2007-07-02 20:55:13 · answer #1 · answered by bEiNg DiScIpLiNeD 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Whats more important; your fellings or what your parents say. If a girl is struggling with parents then she is just a girl. It seems like you have a womens decision; old b/f or new b/f. Really I think, dump old b/f. Dump old b/f, because you are already thinking about other people and you want to explore more. Take a step back, continue on making a life for yourself and eventually the answer would be there. Patients is a virtue, virtue is paradise, once you find that everything is easy. Good luck..
2007-07-03 05:22:44 · answer #2 · answered by Mr. Johnny 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your country and family traditions dictate that you should follow your parents wishes. You cannot ask people from another country and lifestyle to advise you if you want answers that will help you keep your family close. We all know a different lifestyle - one that is not any easier, by any means. We may have freedom, but we have many other issues that we deal with daily ... issues that are not even on your radar. Our views are mostly biased and based on our own culture and traditions.
You know well that if you disobey your parents, you will be disowned. Is being with this young man worth losing your mother, father, siblings, and extended family? If you truly feel so, then you must speak to him about it and come to a decision WITH him. Because if you are ostracized by your family, he will be the only person you have for the rest of your life.
I don't believe in arranged marriages, but I have to admit that they have a very high success rate. Please consider all of the options carefully ... and do not listen to what people who don't come from your background say. If they don't understand the ways of the world, they will not know how seriously the people of your world take these situations.
2007-07-03 04:00:41 · answer #3 · answered by devyl gyrl 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am aware of the culture that you are coming from, It is very hard to stand against the will of parents in this area, but my dear. all the nations, people who could achieve their rights they did not get it as a gift. If you love your parent and cant live without them they also love you, why do they threaten you. I know you are a Muslim and as a Muslim you need the permission of your father to marry, it is the rule of Sharia. You kept quite for two years and gave your parent the feeling like you were convinced that they were right. What I advise you, is if you really love your BF, talk with your parent with self confidence and just inform them that you are getting married on such and such date and if they don't participate your wedding you wont talk with them. don't let them to use this matter of not talking with you as a threaten, you use it yourself. never forget that rights are not gifts that your parent give you, it is what you challenge for it .show them that you are their child and behave exactly as them. But before doing any action, consider if you really really love your BF, when you are sure go for it ,don't afraid.
2007-07-03 04:28:56 · answer #4 · answered by Curious 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pray and the answers will come to you. Ask your parents to pray for you, don't tell them what for, just ask them to pray for you. After some time=a couple weeks...be sure to be praying yourself, ask your parents to pray with you at the same time. Bring up the subject then. They will feel more connected with their spirit and yours (I don't know your religion, but any will do, the prayer is what counts!)
Give it a try and I am sure your parents will be able to see things more from your perspective.
2007-07-03 05:24:30 · answer #5 · answered by crewbrotha86 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ask your parents to meet him once. If they don't agree you may ask your relatives or a close older cousin to meet him and know him. If your bf is able to create a lasting good impression your relationship shouldn't be a problem.
in my case, i first created a rapport with my in laws and then with my wife (i had a crush on her). My wife's mother really thought me to be a good fit for her daughter.
A problem peculiar to Indians and pakistanis.
2007-06-25 09:10:53 · answer #6 · answered by bebe 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Looks like your parents are against bi-racial marriages. So you need to choose, and soon, because he may come back from Pakistan engaged or married and then, there's nothing left to do.
2007-07-02 18:33:29 · answer #7 · answered by TX Mom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
talk to your family;and him does he love you? I mean love sacrefies everything ;right? what kind of love would it be if he doesn't fight for you or at least wait rather than being involved in something as serious as engagement?
2007-06-25 09:05:00 · answer #8 · answered by t m 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you really need to talk to your mom and explain how you feel.
2007-06-25 09:04:56 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
just do what you have to do.. its not your parents who will decide with whom you'll be for the rest of ur life
2007-06-25 09:04:56 · answer #10 · answered by nap11t 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋