Husband won't get a job, we're living at my parents??

Question

My husband makes excuses and won't get a job. He's been out of the military since March. I'm taking care of our 2 yr old while he sleeps into afternoon, stays up all nite, surfs internet, watches movies, plays video games, complains non-stop about everything, hides in the room and avoids my family because they pressure him to get off his butt and work. If I ask him to help with our daughter, he says I wanted to be the stay at home mom. When I tell him he needs to work, his response is why don't I work? I reminded him I work everyday taking care of our child. I try to support him in finding jobs but it backfires. I have a hard time being intimate with him and when he asks me why I tell him I just want him to get a job, then he gets mad. He threatens me with divorce for being frigid. I told him he owes it to our child to at least get counselling but he thinks he's too good/too smart for that?He seems to think it's okay to live off unemployment and my family. I want to make it work. How?

Answer 1

Ok, I don't know how long one needs to recover from the military, and you don't state whether or not he was overseas. But 3 months is a fair amount of time, providing he's not reacting to being in action. If this is the case, contact a military counselor.

If not, then let him know mom and dad asked that one of you find a job, so you did. Go to Your State Department of Labor and see what's there. You should also be able to check employment listings in the local paper online. Do your resume, and start pounding the pavement. He can watch Darling while you work.

If you actually go down to the department of labor you can e-mail, fax, print and send your resume's out to job openings for no charge.

Mama needs to ask if he can start preparing the dinner meal, and cleaning it up as part of the bargain. Or Dad needs to let him know that he'll take lawn and garbage duty as trade for rent. Give him some responsibility.

When you've got a paycheck coming in, establish a checking account in your own name. Go apartment hunting and find something in your price range. Ask your parents when they think would be a reasonable move-out date, let him know, and aim for that.

Hint: if you're working, and he's not, and he fails as a stay at home dad, you've got serious problems. You may not want to start this unless he's already employed.

You may also want to have conversation with your parents about disconnecting the cable and the internet. I know this punishes everyone, but it may encourage him to occupy his time with employment.

He seems to have an answer for everything, yes? And the answer is: You do it. You wanted to stay home, so you be responsible for child care, only you. You want him to go to work, so , you find a job. Well, he's home, he's free daycare, go for it.

Forget intimacy. It just isn't intimate in Mom and Dad's house. So let that go. When he complains just tell him it makes you uncomfortable to have sex in Mom and Dad's house. Ick.

So, no cable, no internet, no sex.

Maybe he'll come around. Maybe he won't. If you're getting real strong vibes that it's "he won't "...then go apply for child support. You don't have to be divorced or separated. You go to Family Court office, fill out the paperwork, ask for a copy, and show up on your court date.

You can also put in for subsidized housing and daycare. So, if you're ready to go, and he's not, you can move. He can stay. You won't qualify if he is living with you, so, leave him at your parents and move on. (Is this dumb or what?)

Eventually they are going to ask him to leave. All they have to say is, 'My daughter is gone, now you have to go." And he will show up on your door step. At which point you say, "I can't afford to lose my benefits so you need an income to replace what the state is paying for your child." End.

Unfortunately, dear, this is All On You. You need to make some choices, and regain an independent life.

If you end up in custody court, ask for shared parenting. Make it perfectly clear that 4 days a month, optional and unenforceable is not the way you want your child to experience her relationship with her Daddy. This is hard. Since she is small you can do one week on, one week off. He'd be responsible for getting her to daycare, working, picking her up, feeding and bathing her, and bedtime. This limits the amount of Party Time he has and forces him to become a responsible parent. Aim for this result. Otherwise you risk major burnout. Shared parenting planners are available online, and in my opinion, a calendar does the same thing. So, if they are expensive , just buy a calendar and note all her pediatric appointments so he knows what he's responsible for and when.

You have a major, major problem dear. These are your options. You can tell him now that you want to practice the shared parenting plan, so every other week will be his week, regardless.

I wish you well, I hope he shapes up. If he doesn't don't panic. You can't make another person do anything, so save your energy. Take a good multi-vitamin every day, get enough rest, and find your path.

God bless you and yours, dear.

Answer 2

If he is done with the military the veterans admin. should be able to help him with his adjustment back into the "real world".
Apart from that, you may need to take him up on his offer to get that divorce.
Let him know that you have given him enough time to get back into society and its time to go to work and support his family. If that does not work then the split may be coming.
Which brings us to issue number 2.
Why are you not working as well. The mother of a 2 year old DOES NOT need to be a full time job. You are already imposing on the grandparents for a home. I'm sure they will be glad to watch your child while you work. A child needs constant care but a sitter or daycare can accomplish that. You need to get a job.
When you hold him to a different standard than you hold yourself this results.
The days of the "stay at home mom" are gone.
Unemployment is meant to cover some expence while looking for a job. He may be shocked to find that he cannot walk out of unemployment and into a job. Employers view people who let their unemployment expire without looking for work as lazy. It becomes a 6 month paid vacation. That does not shine favorably on a person's character.

Answer 3

You did the best thing for you and your kids. If you are stuck at home all day, you will be in a bad mood by the end of the day, and it will effect your kids and husband too. Your husband is basically doing what is the norm for Indian husbands in the U.S.A.: Bring parents over for long periods of time, and continue with their life as usual, leaving the wife to handle everything. What you have not mentioned here is that you don't have the kind of structure that there is in India: friends, relatives, servant maids, so many festivals and functions. You are being expected to make up for all that is missing. You have made a very smart move. Your kids are not effected, you still have time to take care of house. Your husband is angry because he has nothing to complain about. His only choice is to cut down his work hours and take more care of his parents instead of leaving it all to you. you have kind of cornered him without resorting to nagging and fighting. You are not being nasty or anything. Just be polite, firm,don't enter into arguments. If his parents leave, let them leave.

Answer 4

He could be tring to cope with things that happen while he was in the military. He needs to go get couseling. I work in the mental health and these are signs or PTSD. I know it is hard to deal with him right now but if you lighten up just a little and let him deal with what he is going through. He will be fine. Again he needs to get some counseling. Once he gets that everything should start working out again. Be strong. Military men need really strong wifes to support us. God Bless.

Answer 5

Your husband has probably been traumatized by military service. He has only been out three months. However, this can't continue. It's damaging your marriage and your relationships with other family members. Perhaps he can contact the Veteran's Administration for counseling. If he refuses, you can't force him to go or to get a job. Then, you're going to have to made other decisions. Can you get a friend of his to speak with him? Maybe another man can reach him.

Answer 6

Your husband was in military-
1. Is he ready to go back in military?
2. Which job he likes to do?
3. Are you ready to feed him life long, and be like an earning husband instead of housewife?
If anyone of the above question have positive answer then both of you can live life as husband and wife, otherwise separate.
Don't force him for anything.
All the best, Good Luck, God Bless you.

Answer 7

i don't have a husband that came back from the military, but i think that you should leave him, i know you love him but he is not even trying for you or your kid, i would say yes stick with him if he is trying but he is not, you and the child rather stay with you parents and ask them to look after the kid while you work and build a new life for the both of you , rather battle on , on your own then be with someone that has no sense of responsibility , its going to be hard bit either he catches a wake up or leave

Answer 8

Sounds a lot like the guy I was married to. Get a job and kick him to the curb. That's what I did. Being a single mom is easier than being married to somebody who is slowly sucking the life out of you. If he wants to make it work, he'll go to counseling and make an effort. But you can't make him. It's his choice.

Answer 9

Think maybe something happened in the Military screwed him up mentally? Check into it

Answer 10

Did he serve in a combat situation like Afghanistan or Iraq ? if he was serving at home then the worst trauma he will have experienced will be peeling potatoes ! If so kick him to the kerb as one answer puts it .
Good luck