birthday card ,or just leave it?

Question

Hi All,

A while ago I posted about my estrangement from my parents.
We are no longer in any contact as all I get is verbal abuse.
I am ok with this,and carrying on with my life and my own family.
Trouble is I always try to do the right thing,and dont like causing hurt or upset.
Both my parents have birthdays coming up.I have no desire to get in touch as the hurt they have caused me is great.However am I a bad person if I choose to ignore thier birthdays?
I would worry that if I send a basic card-that will be wrong,if I send a nice card they may interpret it as me wanting a relationship again.If I dont send I will be called a ***** again.
Any input greatly appreciated.
Bungle

No answers as yet-I could really do with some advise here-thanks.

Answer 1

I'd send a card, just a simple one. Nothing to mushy.. Just "Happy Birthday" then sign your name.

Answer 2

Think it through, and do what you feel is best. A simple yet nice card (even a single card for the both of them if the birthdays are close enough) may make you feel better, and it doesn't need to be too personal or affectionate. You still have the right to choose weither or not you want a relationship w/ them, but are also showing how mature and thoughtful you are. No matter what their response, if any, would be, in the end, you are the better person for being yourself. Time is amazing in how it works on ppl and life, and they may just look back one day (no matter how long it may take) and realize what went wrong and try to work things out.

Answer 3

Have you ever heard the saying "damned if you do, and damned if you don't"? Well, you're kind of in that situation.

If you don't send a card, you are going to beat yourself up about it, because you want to be a good person. And, by not sending a card, you're not living up to your own moral/ethical/behavioral code/beliefs. In addition, you don't want the grief that they will give you that comes from not sending a card

If you send a basic/genric birthday card, again, you are going to beat yourself up about it, because you want to be a good person. It seems that being a good person means putting in the extra effort to get something or do something nice.

If you send a nice card, you fear they may feel you want a relationship. You don't want a relationship, because you don't want all of the grief, for lack of a better word, that was caused by the relationship before you became estranged.

This may sound harsh, but if you don't want a relationship filled with the abuse, why are you asking if you should send a card or not. You should be asknig yourself, what you can do to either stop the abuse, or what you can do to completely sever your ties with your parents. In this particular instance, you need to look at for yourself, and do what is best for yourself and for your well being. If sending a card is going to re-open the abusive relationship, then don't send one. So what if they call you names for not sending a card.

Unfortunately, I know all too well that sticks and stones will break your bones, and that words hurt more than anything. All I can really honestly say is this: You need to do what is best for you, and only you know what that is.

Good luck. I wish you well.

Answer 4

As a parent myself I would definitely say, yes, send a card, or better, call. But you don't say anything about the cause of your estrangement...Is it a serious matter, or something minor that just got out of hand? In any case you shouldn't consider yourself a "bad person". If you deeply feel that they have hurt you too much and this is unjustified, don't go against your feelings. If on the other hand you are able to judge the situation objectively, it is always better to be the one who extends the olive branch. Life is short, and I will always personally regret not having forgiven certain things and certain people before it was too late. Again, as a mother, I would be very happy indeed if a child of mine I had offended made a gesture. In any case, good luck and happiness to you

Answer 5

It sound like water under the bridge. I understand how you feel, been there before. If they are abusive verbally, it's not just gonna go away because some time has passed. A card, any card may send a message you won't want to be answered. I say let sleeping dogs lay. Do you really want to send these ppl a message that your are happy they were born? Usually that means they added something special to your life. With this in mind...make up yours!

Hugs and blessed be

Answer 6

You are contradicting yourself a little. You said you are carrying on with your own life, no contact, and that's ok with you. Yet, then you "dont want to upset" anyone.
Is it that you are hoping they will change? Or that they miss you so much that they will gloat about you? Perhaps, you just want to find out how they are doing without you, and to let them know that you are doing much better without them?
In any case, you have to decide what you really want. It appears that you can not separate yourself from them. Is it guilt that you are feeling? You can send them a card and tell them, sorry that it is not possible for us to stay in touch more often, but I wish you well on your birthday.
Let's face it, when someone speaks badly of you, it doesn't matter what you do, they will continue to do what they have done all their lives. So, make up your mind. Sometimes, it's better to live without, than to live with anger, pain and verbal abuse, and they will not speak any better of you or to you. This could affect your daily life and especially your family. At least this way you don't have to deal with it, whether you send a card or not, it will make no difference. Remember, when you can't change those around you - change yourself.

Answer 7

I would send a very generic card with just your name signed. It would show that you still think of them. You are not a bad person for not sending a card. You are only a bad person if you do something to intentionally hurt someone else. From what it sounds you are trying very hard to do the right thing.

I am not saying you want to get into a relationship with them right now, but if you think in the future you might want to, send a card. This way they won't have anything additional to be mad at you for.

Answer 8

I sense that you are very hurt about the estrangement with your parents. Do you understand that each of us has a limited time on this earth and if you do not make some kind of an attempt to mend your differences with them that you may never be able to do so. If you do not make things right, you will suffer later in your life. Maybe a card will not be the magic way to do it, but it certainly IS a start. You really only have one mother and one father - make things RIGHT and you will never regret it.

Answer 9

Look, you either care about them or you don't. If you care about them, send the card and allow it to be the first step in ending the "estrangement". If they have hurt you so bad that you do not want to re-establish contact with them, then you don't care about them and should not feel guilty about not sending a card. However, what would you feel if you found out that they died today? Would you regret not mending your relationship? If so, then send the card and start mending those fences. If you'd be happy they were gone, then don't worry about the card, you've got bigger issues.

Answer 10

Bungle,
I myself have gone through this with step-parents. I used to go to the card shops and laugh over those cards that say you have always been so good to me, you have always loved me. All of that crap NEVER happened in my life as a small child. Just don't send anything. I know, I don't want to hurt anyone, even those who hurt me as a child. But all of this needs to end. You obviously have your own wonderful family that gives you what you need and probably never had. YOU are in charge now, not them. Good luck

Answer 11

This is really a hard issue to deal with. If you know that their response will cause you distress then don't send cards.
It took me quite a bit of counseling before I could say " I get ill(this happened) when I try and work things out with this family member. I just tried again and it up and bit me again.
Sometimes we have to protect ourselves.
Make sure that you have a truly clear vision of whats going on. Both sides, then do what you have to to live with the situation.