Long story short. My wife and I are 26, have been married almost 2 years, and together almost 7 years. Last year I found out that she was having an affair. I stood by her, even while she continues to have the affair, and she finally ended it with him, and we have been back together for a year since then. She says their relationship was not sexual at all. Her and I did not have sex before we were married, and that didn't improve much afterwards either. We have not had sex since January of 2006, which was right before the affair. We occasionaly "mess around", but not all that often. When we do, she very rarely lets me touch her or pleasure her. If I mak the first move, she says I'm pushy or annoying. If I ask, sh gets bothered. We also do not kiss at all, if I try, she moves away. I try to be romantic, helpful, all of that stuff, and nothing works, She finally realizes this is a problem and says she wants help. Any advice for me, or her would be greatly appreciated.
2007-06-24 08:54:40 · 23 answers · asked by I.M. Worried 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is something that you need a professional. She needs to get to a professional therapist that specializes in intimacy issues. This will likely take a lot of work and it's taking a lot of courage for you wife to confront this.
There are many causes for this situation, but most of them are deep, hurtful and difficult. This is why you should rely on a professional that knows what to expect.
What you can do is cotinue to love her and support her and give her some time to understand. It sounds like you are willing to give her time, since you've already given her a year and stuck with her even though she was cheating.
I think you are right to do that and don't let anyone tell you it was wrong to stand by her. All of the things you described point to a person that needs help and you are helping her. You should be proud of yourself.
2007-06-24 09:08:53 · answer #1 · answered by ∞ sky3000 ∞ 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I hate to say this, but is there something in her past that is keeping her from wanting to be intimate with someone she trusts? I mean...gee...how do I put this....what she abused at a child or anything. That is enough to harm anyone psychologically. If not, i would certainly try to make sure she wasn't continuing this affair or starting a new one. Women are NOTORIOUS for not wanting sex often (though, not all!) However, I can't see someone going over a YEAR without having sex? (And be married!)
2007-06-24 09:02:22 · answer #2 · answered by Tara 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
wow! I will say this i think if your wife cares anything at all for you and your happiness and the longevity of your marriage she will seek some counseling and get to the bottom of her feelings. it simply isnt fair! I think physical closeness is of great importance. to be a man and feel rejected can lead to insecure feelings and that is hard to carry with you in everyday life. It sounds like you love your wife and if she really cares she will make a move and get some help. good luck!
2007-06-24 09:10:28 · answer #3 · answered by Lorie M 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
IMO, lack of desire or lack of sex and intimacy in a relationship is just the tip of the iceberg...Other serious issues are lying underneath this attitude; and the sooner she finds out why she feels this way, the better for the both of you.
I agree with other answers...Perhaps she should go to counseling or therapy first and then you can join her.
Marriage is a difficult thing, and both spouses must work together to make it work....Good luck !
2007-06-24 09:04:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She might still be in the affair and feels guilty having sex with u after she had sex with the other man. Let her get the help she needs but you're gonna have toget some help too, and if nothing changes I suggest you leave. You can't be suffering and wasting your life with a person that's not gonna appreaciate you being by her side while she has an affair....
2007-06-24 09:00:33 · answer #5 · answered by arielle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've never advised a sex therapist but you two need one badly. You need to find a way to communicate that will naturally lead to sexual intimacy. If you can't find one, go to a marriage counselor and ask for a recommendation.
2007-06-24 09:16:02 · answer #6 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think a counselor would be helpful to her, have her go by herself for a while so she can figure out her own problems before she can start working on her marriage, be patient though I give you kudos for your patience thus far as I would not have stood by her if she has been having an affair. Good luck.
2007-06-24 08:59:24 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems that she must have some problems, but if you love her enough, you should try and help her through her problems. Make sure she knows that you support her and love her. If you try everything possible to help her, including patience, then she should also work towards improvement. If she doesn't, then you need to start looking for other options such as divorce, but remember that it is not easy to work through deep, emotional problems.
2007-06-24 09:20:13 · answer #8 · answered by schatzi01 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i hate to be the one to write this but for you go out an meet a lady at the bar make sure your wife is around ok get her madto the point were she is the one that wants to be in that girls place give her a good fight make her feel like anyone can replace her an maybe she will snap out of it you have been a great guy but give her the tought love thats what it sounds like she needs make her feel real bad for what she put you thought good luck
2007-06-24 09:14:35 · answer #9 · answered by candi m 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hate to be so blunt, but either counselling if you have children or divorce if you do not. this is not a marriage and especially not for a 26 year old. you are wasting your life away here if this does not change. I hope there are no children involved.
2007-06-24 09:00:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋