Supprice her with papers, or do you ask "do you want a divorce", or "do you just want to end this?"

Question

Okay...this could get nasty....I really am trying to resolve my differances with my wife of nearly 19 years.This morning she says that we are not compatable. She also said that her therapist called me a controlling man...yet she told me on several occations that they (her & him) never discussed me in their sessions.Every day I question myself of why I work so hard to make this work. We are in therepy, and she says she still loves me. She just refuses to show any affection or remorce for her past actions.I do not want to do this...if I do, it will erase all efforts to reconcile. But if I don't, I will remain alone in my bed, and miserable. I asked my children what they want, and they said they want to see us work things out. But she remains sleeping on the couch in our living room, telling me the bed hurts her back, and that her brian won't let her. See my bio 4 details.
According to her, I have been sexually abusing her for years.Where does THAT come from?

Serve, or not to serve?

Surprise. Okay, I never learned to type. My wife call me today, ask what I was doing, where was I, and why I wasn't home. (I went to church, talked to some friends, took my laptop apart to replace the hard drive, and frankly, what was there at home anyway. Sooo,, I made myself some lunch at a friends house, wash the dishes I used, and got on the internet for awhile to ask this question.

Well, I did come home, my wife passed out on the couch, and I offered my sons a choice of dinner.(I do all the cooking these days...have had only one home cooked meal from my wife in 9 months) So I came home to the same old ****.!! So, I'm gaining the strength...But it will cost me my 401k and nearly $6000. n fee to do this. That sucks!!! Anyway, maybe the lawyer will talk her out of the retirement fund...she spent all hers on school, what very little there was

thanks again for the participation!!!!!

Heres a new twist...we we in a session with two Pastors, and wife was explaining that she just didnt want to be married, she hated men, etc. Well then I ask her"If U hate men so much, why do you have a male thrapist?" She replies"well I fell comfortable with him, and if you must know, he is GAY" Huh??
The Pastors(a married couple) were taken aback. Well get this, I asked her if I could speak to her therapist, and she says"I will never let you talk to him!"So then it gets better...I brought up the therapist again, and said since he was gay, how could he posibly coach married couples anyway. She replies"He's NOT GAY, he has two little daughters"(why would she know that anyway?) So I call my pastor. "Didnt she say her therapist was gay?" He replied,"Yes, both my wife & I both heard that"

The consensus from all the people I've asked, is that she has something going with the therapist. That funny to me, because she never initiated sex in our marraige. I was the one. Thoughts?

Answer 1

Since there are allegations of abuse, get out, get an attorney and make notes (NOT recordings) about the conversations you've had. Too many people stay together "for the kids" and it turns out worse in the long run. I hated leaving the house where my son lived, having to deal with the courts and parenting time and all that crap, but you don't want to be dragged down to her level. Man up and start thinking long-term.

Answer 2

Wait, you see you are both in therapy, but you also said she will never let you meet her therapist??
Which is it? Let's be realistic here, she is sleeping on the couch, does not show affection, makes all these statements. Just tell her that you don't want to spend the rest of your life in this environment, which is not good for your children either. It does sound like she has someone else, whether it's her therapist or someone else, but it appears obvious. Do you really want to stay there? Ask her what she wants to do, leave the house? stay? What does she see in the future? Maybe you can come to an agreement, either way, it sounds like it's over. And you may not have to take out your 401K, you may be able to get an agreement, instead of her buying out your share of the house, maybe you can let her have it, depending on if it's paid for. You don't want to get stuck for another 15 years. If she is going to school, chances are you will have to pay alimony. You may want to wait until she is done. Most attorneys will give you a free consultation, but if you have to hire one, it could get expensive. A legal separation may be a good start. Good luck

Answer 3

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and jump. Can you have a civil conversation with her for the kids sake? If not write everything down that she has done that is not in the best interests of the kid(s), date every entry. Make sure this is not just something you think happened, but what actually did happen. This will help you when you get to custody issues, because to me that's where this is all headed. I can't tell you what to do, but I can remind you that you are responsible for your children's life. More so than your own. What are you two dragging them through? STOP IT!

Blessed Be.

Answer 4

My heart goes out to you.

You sound as if you have a little grasp of the whole problem but not the entire problem. I noticed in Ur bio your wife is/has some addiction issues. I hate to break it to you but you are not dealing with a 'sane' person. Not insane but not someone I would want in my life.
Anyone who is addicted or has not dealt with addiction issues is not capable of being a partner. I hear lies, deceit and serious accusations.
You also have children who are impacted by these lies. Please don't deceive yourself into thinking you children have not been affected by this. You really need to get your children into a therapists office. Having parents, who are addicted and co-dependent , does not create healthy happy children.
But, news flash!! Surprising her will not create a smooth transition.. A good lawyer is needed and fast. You need to be on top of your game to get out without a lot a heavy skirmishes.
Good luck. keep us up to date on your situation.
And one more suggestion.You could use Al anon.
You are, from what you have shared, a decent guy. you deserve a decent gal.

Answer 5

If you take a survey of all involved parties of course they are going to say to work it out. Is that what YOU want though? Don't stay for anyone but yourself. I think you're on the right track with counseling. I did the same thing but I also knew when it was time to call it quits. Have you talked to the counselor about her sleeping on the couch? What about the sexual abuse allegations? How? When? What IS she talking about?

A lot of unanswered questions here. Good luck

Answer 6

It sounds like you are hoping that serving her papers is more of an ultimatum than really wanting a divorce. I'm not sure that's a good ultimatum plan.
Why don't you try asking her if you could talk to her psychologist? Or call her psych and schedule an appmt. and then you can talk to her psych but her psych doesn't have to reveal anything to you. You seem to feel that her psych is getting an incorrect story.
I'm not sure her psych will do this, but you could try to asking, it can't hurt.
Why don't you ask her where the sexual abuse accusations come from?
Just keep trying to talk to your wife. That way, if it does end, you can at least say that you gave your all.
and give us more details of what your wife says!

Answer 7

ask her waht she truly thinks of ur relationship, and if she can keep on going on like this, because if she does not want to make the effort to work things out, than there is only so much one person can do, it takes two to work something out

so go ahead and ask what she really wants from you or in the relationship, remind her that your children want you to stay to together and just give her some time to really think about and about the bed thing...maybe you could ask her if she wants to get a new mattress or get a heating pad for the back or something because thats a pretty bs excuse to not sleep in the same bed

Answer 8

Yes, i have a feeling that something is going on. When people start to lie, they're usually hiding something they don't want you to know.If she hasn't been sexually active in a long time and doesn't show one inch of affection, where is she getting it from? It seems like she has given up on the relationship and you're trying to piece it back again. Maybe its best if you go your separate ways, other wise it can just be too frustrating and you'll end up getting sick from all the worry.

Answer 9

question should be do you want a divorce? If she sees a therapist then clearly she has some issues and maybe you both need a marriage counselor. Cause after all marriage is supposed to be for better or wisest. And til death do you part. Remember or keep in mind that death isn't always meant as in the flesh.

Answer 10

try to talk to her one last time. get a MARRIAGE therapist, if she doesn't show up to these sessions - it's her problem.

work things out. this isn't beyond repair, but it's getting close to it.

if you're absolutely sure, and I mean absolutely, I mean, marriage therapist says that it might be a good idea absolutely, then you may want to ask for a divorce.

but if she hasn't asked for one yet, she may beleive there is hope. either that or she's draining your bank account. after which you're going to need to go to court.......

I read your profile, sorry life sucks right now, but this down period will only result in an up.