My husband and I are nearly complete opposites. All is good in our marriage except for my willingness to -do as he says. I cannot tolerate being told what to do by him. He does 99% of the decisions and asks me for my input, most of the time he dismisses my input and does what he wants. Like for our sons birthday here yesterday, he planned when where decorations cake, everything by himself and I had no say in how it went. Last week he bought a car without telling me.
He gets on me for the littlest things and says they are important to him, no matter how insignificant they seem to me.
Yesterday he was watching our 2 yr old son, as I watched our 4yr old daughter and 6 month old at the park. The child he was watching completely fell in a slippery part and hit his head on cement. IF THAT would have happened under my care, my husband would have gone off on me saying I wasnt watching him well enough blah blah. But I dont do that to him...I feel angry, sad and unloved.
2007-06-24 08:10:07 · 11 answers · asked by SandLady 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
To be truthful I feel like he treats me like one of his workers, except when it comes to the bedroom- then he is nice. Why does he treat me like this, if I talk up to him he says I am causing a fight. Yes if I were to shut up and just do as he says, there would be no fight at all. He interprets my wanting to talk about it as a fight, though he is yelling and I am speaking...so he wont do marriage counseling and he is pissing me offfffffff. I feel powerless.
2007-06-24 08:13:15 · update #1
You SHOULD feel angry,... and sad,...and unloved.
He isn't 'loving' you, he is 'controlling' you.....BIG difference !!!
This is no overnight development ether.
It is an escalation of a multifunctional relationships intra-personal boundary's.
You contributed to this, as much as he has....you allowed the domination in the beginning.
At some point, in some tomorrow, his insecurity will become intolerable for you, and uncontrollable for him.
Better that YOU initiate some sort of relationship counseling sooner, than later, because the longer it continues, the worse it's going to get.
If you do nothing else, attend a few abuse clinic group therapy sessions ... get an idea of what it is exactly you are dealing with .. and quit denieing that there is a problem in your relationship...TO HIM AND TO YOUR SELF..!!!
Give your future and your family the benefit of any doubts you have, and look into 'out side' options and possibility's and projections of 'control issues' from a spouse.
Better to learn of it all from a source of compiled experience, than to learn of it from personal experience.
I GUARANTEE
YOU are NOT powerless...you just think you are... You ARE dominated tho... and thats shameful.
2007-06-24 08:44:28 · answer #1 · answered by olddogwatchin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry about this situation, but it does sound like he doesn't respect you and your contribution to this partnership. Why do you hold back from reprimanding him or voicing your opinions?
I thought it was interesting that you say "all is good" in your marriage except you aren't willing to do as you're told. This is a HUGE issue and he should respect you as a person and as an equal in this marriage, not expect you to obey him like a servant.
If you are in a marriage that is healthy, both of you should be able to talk about what is important and what you think. I'm also inclined to think that his buying a car without consulting you means he has control of the purse strings? Why can he get away with this behavior? It just isn't fair. Please talk to him or get him to sit down with you and a counselor, pastor, therapist, or some objective third person to listen to what is bothering you.
Good luck!!
P.S. - I just saw your additional info and it sounds like he is used to bossing people around outside of the house. You should try standing up to him and telling him you need to be respected an treated like an equal, otherwise you might just give him the cold shoulder and see how he reacts to that?
2007-06-24 08:17:09 · answer #2 · answered by PK 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm so very sorry that your husband is treating you like this. Change is very difficult and it sounds like this has been a long pattern in your relationship. I doubt that you will be able to change him. But If you don't change how you respond, you will most likely become more depressed and this situation will adversely affect your children.
Girls who grow up in homes where their fathers are overly controlling tend to chose partners who abuse them. Boys who grow up in this environment tend to abuse their wives when they are older. If you don't act now, your children will more than likely suffer the consequences.
I recommend that you obtain a trusted counselor/friend that can be supportive and provide feedback. I recommend that you obtain some information about how to address issues with men who are controlling. Therapy is a good place to start. I also recommend the book, Bold Love by Dan B. Allender. I attended some classses of his and believe the material to be excellent, practical, loving, and effective!
2007-06-24 08:21:40 · answer #3 · answered by Lacey G 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I do believe you need marriage counseling. If he won't do it, maybe you could start going on your own. See if you could find someone that could help you find a backbone. You've got to start standing up for yourself before it's too late.
I know this sounds strong, but I've lived your life and it took me a long time to crawl out of that hole. As long as he can control you, he'll do it. It's not easy to stand up and say no more, but your children will learn from him, especially your son, if you don't.
2007-06-24 08:17:32 · answer #4 · answered by Laurie G 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's called control and it's typical in a lot of males. I was raised in a home where my parents relied on each other for support on everything, including discipline of us 5 kids. So when I got married I "thought" married life would be the same for us...NOT! His father made all the decisions in his house and his mother was more of a slave to them than a wife and mother. The first years of marriage were more of a tug of war in wills than anything else. Where he said jump and waited for me to say how high...I literally sat and said "you talking to me?" I loved him and knew he loved me and visa verse...but ohhhh did we have a power struggle. But you want to know something? The girls learned more from me than from him as far as EQUALITY in a marriage. They do not let their spouses walk all over them and treat them as second class citizens, they are a help-mate as I was in my marriage
2007-06-24 08:24:33 · answer #5 · answered by sassywv 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is he a Capricorn? Sounds like one. I know where you are coming from. He won't change,and I am sure he won't go to counseling either. Just let him get his own way because he will anyway. He asks what you want just so he can have the opposite..oh yeah..not fun.
2007-06-24 08:26:34 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your life sounds alot like mine. If you want to chat just let me know we can talk about it. But I have no solution because I been trying to make it equal for well 23 years to no avail. Makes me wonder if being married is even worth anything except having a lifelong daddy.
2007-06-24 08:16:58 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally I dont see this marriage lasting much longer. Before it gets abusive I'd say that a divorce would prove that you DO have some say so.
2007-06-24 08:23:22 · answer #8 · answered by pappysgotitgoinon 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Print this and let him read it out loud and tell him 50/50 or the kids and I are gone ! That may seem harsh but it sounds called for.
2007-06-24 08:30:35 · answer #9 · answered by lonewolf 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well you married the winner rightt ?? you didnt see these traits when you were dating ?? or maybe back then it was just cool cuz you thought he was a take charge go getter. lol women
2007-06-24 08:24:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋