Help! How can I get over my fiance's ex-wife?

Question

Ok, So I know this I am totally stupid for this... but I was hoping some Yahoo! users would have some advice for me to get over my fiancé’s ex-wife. Here is the whole story: We dated 7 years ago it was wonderful but due to me being young and un-experienced I didn't recognize the incredible thing I had (until I saw what else was out there). During our time apart he married someone else. He has been in the army the past five years and although had been with her for years, he really only spent a few months total with his ex-wife before he realized it wasn't working. He divorced her and a few months later told me he had always had feelings for me and since I felt the same, I thought everything would be perfect. So why isn't it! What is wrong with me? Why do I obsess over her so much? Why do I think about her when we are happy and together? Or whether they shared the same experience? I am really desperate please help I don't want this to go on. I have gone to couseling for a yr. no help :(

NO NO NO.. -_- I guess I wasn't clear when I say I can't get over her. I meant I can't get over him being with her. (lol) Sorry

I appreciate everyone's help. Sometimes you just need a wake up call. I need to hear it. This is my and only my issue I definitely recognize that. As far as me being immature or wrong I recognize that too. That is why I am trying to get help. I really just feel like it’s UNCONTOLLABLE even though I know it isn't.

Dead on Jessica, Thank-you!

Answer 1

thats not a good idea

Answer 2

I think we all go through this, you are just letting it get to you more than the norm. Every one of us have a past, so to say. In high school, and even younger these days, you date different guys/gals. Only a very self-centered person or an extremely confident one wouldn't wonder how they compared to his/her last relationship. But the truth of it...it doesn't really matter in the end, we just live our life. An Ex spouse, or significant other, has shared more between them than just a person you have dated and when they part there is generally anger towards the Ex carried over to the new relationship, whether direct or indirect doesn't matter...the new partner has an added obstacle to deal with than a first timer would. You subconsciously want to be better than the Ex and not make the same mistakes. You want to be the first to do something with/for them (as a 2nd wife I can say my feelings were hurt several times, not maliciously mind you, once during a difference of opinions he called me her name and a few other times we went somewhere and after arriving or doing something he would say off hand...she liked it too or did the same thing..I felt compared to her..he meant nothing by it). In the beginning I wondered if I was as good as her or better at things but feared asking him maybe setting him in a bad mood or making making him think of her so I kept quiet. Little by little as the days and years went by I knew I pleased him in my own way, whether better or not I did it with love, that is what got me through most of my anxieties.

Answer 3

Oh I hope you are a troll. But the sad reality is that there are evil selfish people out there exactly like you. Karma is a great equalizer and some day you will get yours....by having kids by a man who will cheat on you while you are pregnant and will leave you for a woman who will treat your children with disdain and condescension. You can't fix ugly. And you are ugly inside...even if you are a troll. If you are not a troll, I think you are a terrible person and should not get married. First of all, you are marrying someone who you know for a fact to be a cheater. You are not any more special than his first wife....and with your nasty attitude, you actually are less special than his first wife. If he cheated on her, he will cheat on you....and maybe even bring home an STD like herpes for you to have for the rest of your life. Secondly, he is a package deal with his kids. You expect him to abandon his kids for you. If he will abandon his own children this easily, he will just as easily abandon you. And even more easily, he will abandon any children he makes with you. Oh and by the time he leaves you (with the clap) and your 2.5 babies, you will no longer be young and hot. Your boobs will sag, your butt will have its own zip code, your hair will be all frizzy because diapers, formula and school supplies are a higher priority than buying salon quality hair care products, and you will not remember the last time you had a manicure. I can't wait to see you in the dating scene then. Good luck on this marriage.

Answer 4

Bless and release. The reason you are obsessing so much is that you wonder how you compare to her. But sweetheart, keep this in mind. He was with you...then her...and he CAME BACK TO YOU!!! That is double confirmation that you are the one he wants. He did the same thing you did. He had what he wanted, but due to lack of maturity and experience, didn't realize it. He played the field, but ultimately realized that you were what made his world go 'round. You will never have the answer to your questions unless you come out and ask him...and woman to woman, we both know you will always wonder if he is answering in a way to guard your feelings. The best thing you can do is to live life with him to the fullest and release the other situation from your mind and heart. Everyday that you spend worrying about her and their life together is a day that you are not getting the ultimate fullfillment out of your own relationship. Trust me...in years to come, you will never look back on right now and think "man I wish I had worried more"...I guarentee you will think..."man I wish I had enjoyed more....God Bless!

Answer 5

Sweetheart....the first step is to realize it is YOU that is causing these feelings by releasing chemicals into your blood ... all emotions are self induced, you can blame anyone you want, but you are the one that actually creates your own emotions.
2nd ly: You are stuck in a "what if" mode...many people end up there for no reason. Do you LIKE how you feel? If not, then STOP feeling it! Every time these silly thoughts begin to appear in your brain, say NO...I won't go there! This is excellent training in self control, and it works. All the professional help in the world will do nothing if you cannot accept responsibility and actively stop doing this yourself. It is entirely up to you. As it is, you are on a path to self destruction..destruction of your love life with this man, destruction of your personal happiness, etc. People in your boat always have drama going on in their lives..they feel dead without it. You must retrain your mind to stop craving drama and find happiness in contentment, excitement, etc. You are bordering on clinical depression as it is. Get over it...only you can do it. Good luck

Answer 6

She is an ex and your not. You are like the star of your own movie and she isnt even in it. Your the lead singer in the band and she doesnt have tickets to see you. Your the wife, she is the ex....she was thrown out like last months newspapers. You could start giving yourself props for being loved by your husband and stop worrying about what MIGHT go wrong. You just need a little positive reinforcement. Now go buy yourself something nice and tell yourself your #1.

Answer 7

First of all, you need to relax. By obsessing over her, you are actually bringing her into the relationship, which is unnecessary. It sounds like your man doesn't mention her, nor did he spend much time with her. And even if they had a good thing for a short time, that is in the past. He is with you now. He's your fiance and obviously loves you and wants to spend his life with you. Why challenge an opportunity to truly be happy? Life is just too short. Just enjoy today.

Answer 8

when i read your story, i just got the feeling that your fiance's not a good guy. he was with you but then he married someone else then he divorced her and he came back to you and said that he has this feeling for you.. see.. i have no idea. if i were you i wouldn't have accept him in the first place.
but yeah.. you can't choose who's guy that you're going to fall in love to. so i'm not going to say that it's your fault, or that you made the wrong decission cause that's not helping.
so here's my advice: think about your feeling towards him, twice. if it's really love... well, love should bring happiness to everybody right? and what i see now is that you're not happy.. and think about this.. maybe you remember the wonderful times you had with him 7years ago and you think it's ok to try building that relationship once again and you think that everything's really going to work now. well when someone that you loved suddenly came back to your life.. you would probably think you still love him. don't let your heart carried away by your emotion, or by the wonderful memories and times you had with him before..
you know what i think? i think you should have time. you need time to decide. and think. ALONE. counseling won't help you and i think it's just going to screw up your mind. ask him to give you some time to think about everything over again. and if he really loves you, he'll wait for you. and if he doen't want to wait, he doesn't deserve you, like what i've said in the first place.
AND if you think about it over and over and over again like what i said, you still find that you love him ALOT and don't wanna let him go.. well, you should really follow your heart and try not to remember bad things and think that you're the only one he loves and vice versa, even if he had someone else in the past, he's with you now and you have to fight for your love. good luck, anyway. hope you can be happy with your truelove ^^

Answer 9

You obsess because he loved and married her. Being in the army and being apart doesn't negate that feeling. Separations can make or break a relationship...any relationship. I don't think your problem is with her. I think that psychologically, you are worried that you, too, will be discarded in a few years. People who commit for such short terms and divorce and then within a few months are "in love" again aren't usually reliable people. I think down deep, you know this.

Answer 10

Because you are worried that he may go back to her as they were together for a while and were married. Although it was not working between them you are still worried due it being someone he may have loved for a certain amount of time. and as you went else where in your previous relationship your worried that he may do the same.

my advice is - don't worry its obvious he loves you if hes had feeling for you for this long. stop sorrying and appreciate what you have. <3

Answer 11

Your insecure about yourself. What is it about you that you can't focus on how great you are, how great your man is to you and how wonderful it is to have a great thing with him. I'll be the ex-wife is somewhat 'bothered" by you too!! Your counselor should be getting you to focus on your positives and helping you to better understand how strong you can be. Everytime you find yourself thinking about her (the way she looks for example), turn the thought to you. Do you think you don't look as great as you could...then focus on the things you'd like to change. Love the things about you that you can't. Love yourself so the YOU CAN LOVE YOUR MAN!!