What do you think about this?

Question

I am not dealing well with my fiance's exwife. They have children together and she just had a baby, but the father of that child wants nothing to do with her or the child. Now she is pushing this baby onto my fiance like it is his. She explained to him that it will not be fair for her other children to receive gifts, clothes and vacations from us and to leave the other child out. She also says they are siblings and she does not want them split up. Is this crazy thinking on her part or am I a b**tch?

We have custody of his children and when I say she doesn't want them split up, she means just that. She only sees her other children on the weekend.

Answer 1

It's not crazy thinking on her part that she wants all of her children to be treated equally, but it IS crazy to expect you and your fiance to shoulder the financial burden for this child, when neither of you have any actual responsibility toward it.

This is her problem, not yours, and you need to make that clear. Emphasize that neither you or your husband has any legal, emotional, or financial obligation in this situation, and it is extremely unfair of her to pressure you.

Maybe you can offer up some alternative ideas:

-At Christmas, birthdays, etc., perhaps she could compensate by giving the child enough gifts, clothes, etc. to keep things equal among the siblings.

-As far as vacations, there's no reason to expect that this child would be welcome to travel with your family, and by the time the child is old enough to notice that he/she doesn't always get to go on vacation with his/her siblings, he/she will be old enough to have this explained.

It's not an ideal solution, but it's not an ideal situation. You shouldn't have to take responsibility for another child or avoid giving your own children special treats because of this woman's circumstances.

Answer 2

It's not crazy of her to want all her children to be treated the same. But what she has to realize is that this is her own mistake, and your fiance shouldn't have to take it on as your own.

It sounds like a very sticky situation. I would be very firm with her and make sure that she knows that your fiance is not responsible for any part of the child, not his. She was the one who should have been more responsible.

However, neglecting the child could seriously harm relationships for the family just because kids don't always understand the mistakes adults make. It's not the baby's fault. I would make sure to still treat the kid well and at the very least send him/her a card, don't neglect it because of the ex-wife.

I guess it's just something you have to truly figure out on your own.

Answer 3

Well I have been on both sides of this.
I have 2 children and I also have a step child. It really is going to be up to your fiance and what he wants and if you two are not married and he decides that he will do this then you should think twice.
My kids have different dads and my oldest sons father chose to take my youngest son all the time.
He did it for my son because his father was never there.
So I do not think that you are wrong but if he is doing it for the child I am not sure what kind of family you came from meaning a married parent or seperate it is hard when you are in a married parent relationship to feel the differnce but I was very thankful for him doing this.

Answer 4

Of course you're right...

If you feel a need to give to children other than your own I have several candidates. The child is not yours and it isn't your husband's, hence it is not your responsibility. What in the heII do you owe it. I may sound brutal but the logic is simple. Let the Mother and Father of this child care for it, just as you and your husband care for yours. And don't weaken, one good deed will be repaid with additional expectations not gratitude.

Good luck, I sure don't envy you. It will take a big pile of monumental strength to navigate this mine field. Just remember, if his ex decides to pump out another dozen fathered by 12 different men will you be responsible for them as well??? My point is, 1 or 100 it is the same thing, they are not yours or your husband's children period...

Answer 5

You know what, the whole time I'm reading your question I'm thinking about that baby. That baby's life is just starting out, and that baby is already rejected by his/her father.

And just picture this - and I know this baby is not at all your responsibility - but that baby is going to grow up not having a father, and is going to watch all the love and attention that the other children are receiving from your fiancee - this child will have to witness this forever.

I know this child is not you and your fiancee's responsibility. None whatsoever. But you have to face the fact that this child will be in the fold of this family forever.

So you have to make a choice. You can choose to make sure you leave this child out. No attention, no gifts, no NOTHING. Sure, you could do that.

Or you could make the choice to think outside of yourself and look with love at this child who would be a better person because you chose to include them with their siblings. They won't feel rejection. They'll feel worthy. They won't have low self-esteem. They'll grow up and have normal, healthy relationships with others. Because you made the choice to include a child that's been abandoned.

This is not about you. It's not about your fiancee. It's not about the b*tchy ex-wife. This is bigger than that.

Step back and look at what a better person you would be if you just solely thought about that child, and THEN made your decision of what to do.

Good luck and God bless!

FOOTNOTE: Since you have custody of the children, this child needs to stay living with his/her mom. This child will see the sibs on the weekends. It was just like when my step-brothers came over every weekend. I was an only child during the week, and had siblings on the weekends. I actually liked that - best of both worlds. But no, this child needs to live with his/her natural mother. But still think outside yourselves in including this child when times are appropriate. Still think that you have a chance here to make someone's life way better than it is.

Answer 6

no , it's not crazy , she in a one crazy situation . their are all siblings , and giving something more to one than the other can affect and hurt a child , all this mess is not a kids fault. Image your sister or a brother , is getting something from one parent , and you feel all left out . It's going to make children estranged from each other . If you give give to everyone. or do not it at all. Maybe that the best gift you can give .

Answer 7

You. Your finance', Nor any of his family (yours either) have any obligations to her new child whatsoever.

You don't have to allow the child over during other visitation when they come over (free babysitting for her). You do not have to give the child gifts, include them in other family functions, etc.

This is completely unreasonable on her part. Plain and Simple. You're not the problem. She is. She's still trying to manipulate him and likely resents you so she's using her new baby as a control mechanism over your relationship with him as well as a his relationship with his biological children.

Answer 8

She's laying a guilt trip on your fiance. The baby isn't his, and he has no responsibility toward it. If you want to be nice people, you can give the kid a small remembrance gift, when giving to the others, but that is solely up to you. The baby is the one who is getting shafted, by her natural father.

Answer 9

I can't decide for you.

I know that if this were *my *stepchild's brother/sister (or, if I were your fiance and this were my child's brother/sister) and I was being offered the chance to include that child in my stepchild/child's life when s/he was with me, I would welcome that chance wholeheartedly, for my child/stepchild's sake. How nice for both of the children to have their connection to each other welcomed and accepted at your home, too.

The father of my sister's child had an affair while he was still living with my sister & their baby. The affair resulted in a pregnancy (and the end of their romantic relationship with each other). After a short period of adjustment/anger, my sister realized that that baby was her son's sister. No matter how she came to be. They were sister and brother & she, as her son's mother, should honor and encourage his relationship with his sister.

Eight years later, she has such a great bond with her son's sister that *my children* consider her to be just another cousin in our family. She (and her father & mother) are welcome at any family events & the kids are all happy, content, secure & loved.

Your stepchildren and their sibling deserve the same. Kids don't care about what's going on between the adults in their family, romance-wise. They just want a happy, secure family.

Answer 10

Well I can understand how she feels but it looks like she is trying to burden him with a child that is'nt his..this is a tough call..I feel bad for the child but it is'nt your fiancee's fault or responsiblity..he probably needs to put his foot down..they need to sit down and figure something out..this is sad..and no,I don't think you're being a b*tch..you're right in this situation it's just sad for that baby and how the ex is trying to dump responsibilities on a child that is'nt his..