How can a parent disconnect emotionally from a child?

Question

Our son started having emotional and behavioral problems about 12 years ago. My husband abandoned me last year for another woman whose children are raised. They are now married and living in another state. Our son continues to have problems. Looking back I have felt like a single Mom for all 12 years. As our son's problems increased, my husband pulled farther away. His traveling increased. When he would return home from one of his frequent trips,I would take the blame for handling all the sitiuations with our son the wrong way, even though he didn't want to get involved at the time it was happening. My ex is a "functioning alcoholic" so perhaps that's why. I believe he loves our son, but couldn't handle the problems. He continues to call our son every night and has since he left. He has also seen him. But he still doesn't want to hear about the problems. He just tells me I'm a poor mother when I approach the subject. Has anybody else experienced something similar?

You can't help an alcoholic if they won't help themselves. Our son has been in counseling for 12 years. He suffers from several disorders. The divorce and alcoholism haven't helped but weren't the "causes". Mental disorders run in my family. Our son has a predisposition for being an alcoholic due to problems in my ex's family and has had trouble there too.

Sorry for the misunderstanding. I haven't disconnected from my child and never will. He still lives with me. I was referring to my ex disconnecting from him. All my time is spent thinking of my son, not my ex. I was just wondering how anybody else handles this.

Answer 1

Your husband started disconnection with your son a long time ago when he refused to take any responsiblity for him and spent all of his time away from home. Of course he's going to blame it all on you, because hey, it's easier for him to live with himself than if he really looked at the big picture and how his neglect affected not only you, but your son. He is a selfish, self-centered idiot, and has manipulated his way out of accountability by belittling you and making you feel like you were the one responsible. Next time he tries to cut you down, tell him that he was always the problem why there were troubles because of his complete neglect as a husband and father. That he was a shitty husband and father besides the fact that he had a job. That'll get him thinking. LOL

I suggest you have some medical tests done on your son for a possible chemical imbalance that could be exacerbating his problems. It's just a blood test that shows all the levels of chemicals in the body. If some are lower than normal or higher than normal, the doctors could prescribe him some medication that will help balance them. It could even be a deficiency in a vitamin. Believe me there is help. I work at a mental hospital and know.
And stand your ground and get tough with the ex. Don't let him attack you anymore. Remind him of his account in your lives. God Bless.

Answer 2

The remaining parent can not be made out to be the best parent in the eyes of the one that left! I mean it would give an emotional stress that would never leave. So, you have to be the bad guy, so to speak. Listen, You're a great person. I can tell by the way you write that you are about to the end of your rope. Not suicidal, just stressed out and ready to sit down and cry. Know this though! Not everyone believes the garbage your ex seems to think. The road is rough, but, in the end, it just gets easier. My ex spewed poison about me to anyone with an ear. I was progressively getting worst as time went on although I never changed. The story just got worst. It started out that I just didn't pray enough, then morphed into I was a psychologically abusive husband to a physically abusive husband. Now 20 years later, she says that I raped her. EXCUSE ME? She has always been the one that started the friskiness and now I'm a rapist? What I am saying is don't expect it to change! The lies get worst. There is no remorse either. Well, except for my ex. I sued her for that last lie and she sent out a letter to everyone that she told it to, that it was a false accusation caused by my refusal to contact her. Always an apology with exceptions. She lied because it was my fault. Geez! It won't get better. All you can hope for is to end communication forever with them and live your life the best you can. My kids didn't do too well after the divorce, but, I never let that stop me from loving them. Just be yourself. Because you are a decent person!

Answer 3

Yeah, OK, I'll agree to a certain poin that it's your husband's fault for basically abandoning his family in a time of need but I am going to guess you're not completely innocent in thsi either.

Since your husband was gone so much who was the priamry disciplinarian of the boy? If it were you how did you discipline him. Did you give him time outs and then go an buy him a happy meal and a new Xbox or did you take a strap to his ***?
Maybe your husband saw it as a lose lose situation and just bugged out.

I'm gathering most of the opinions you get here are not going to be what you're looking for.

Good Luck with that.

Answer 4

You don't need your ex-husband to do something about your son's problem. You don't say how old is your son but I assume he's a young adult. Stop expecting your ex to do something and do something yourself. I think you spend too much time talking about your ex in your question and not enough about your son. Makes me think you worry more about your ex's non-reaction then about a solution for your son.

You son lives with you or not?

You can never disconnect yourself from a child. You can only offer help and support them through their effort to get better. If they don't want help and are on a path of destruction, sometimes you have to cut communication and tell them you love them, you will always love them but for your own mental stability you will not hear from them till they accept help.

Answer 5

Don't disconnect from your child, disconnect from your ex. If you knew he was drinking too much you should have tried to help him. What is the source of your son's problems? The divorce? The alcoholic dad? He needs counseling. Depending on his age you may need to get tough with him to get a job or go to college and move out on his own.
So sorry all of this happened to you.

Answer 6

You are strong. My parents are the same way and I am supposed to be involved with church also just to be sucessful. Talk to them. Tell them that these are your choices and that maybe you want to make your own mistakes. Tell them you want to learn. You love them... tell them that. Tell them that maybe you're old enough to handle yourself and make your own decisions. Just don't be too heavy on them. Compromise a bit. I hope that helps.

Answer 7

Actually, its your husband's fault for being gone so much and not being a factor in your childs life...If he is that obsessed with work over his family, your husband is the one with the major problem, not your son...Kids need both parents...