I married a wonderful man then divorced him because of guilt and my own way of sabotaging a relationship. Seems I can't handle someone actually trying to make me happy. Anyway, I am still in love with this man even though I remarried 8 yrs ago. I moved states away from him in 2001 and now I can't just go home whenever I want to. One time, when I did go home, I ran into his sister who proceeded in telling me that he was married again also. (as of 4 yrs ago) Whenever I go home I try to "run into him", but haven't succeeded. I am afraid of calling him for fear that he is still happy in his marriage and/or his wife will answer the phone. I thought about calling him at work, and will hopefully get the courage up to do that when my husband is sleeping. I dream of this man often, and am usually crying. I am obviously not happy in this marriage and want to go home. It will cost me a fortune to get there since I don't want to lose everything I own. I need help here!
2007-06-24 04:16:15 · 13 answers · asked by animal lover 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First off, I know that I am the one who f**ked up. He is the perfect man any woman would want. I was sexually abused by my father, yes, I have been to counseling, yes, I know that I am the one who sabotaged it, yes, I don't need anyone to repeat that, I KNOW! I mostly am looking for any ideas on closure or how to handle the situation. If nothing else how to apologize to him and to let him know that I do still love him and always will. If he tells me he hates me, I wont blame him, just ask him to forgive me. Also, to inform six3x, my husband knows I want to go home to be closer to my family. He has actually offered to help me when we get the money ahead to do it. We are more friends than married, so don't be so quick to judge someone unless you know ALL the circumstances. Oh, and also, he is still in love with his ex wife and I know that too. You will never forget your first true love. I am not looking for analysis on me, I've had that. I just was too stubborn to ask him to stay.
2007-06-24 05:46:42 · update #1
If you want something youll take a risk, but if you want something bad enough youll rsik everything. Sometimeswe just dont know what we have tilits gone and in your case you are realizing you let go of probably the most important person in your life because it felt too good to be true. Now theres always the fact like you said that he may be happy right where he is or if not he may not be willing to get rehurt by you. You wont rest easy til you find the information you seek,but you must find a way to do it so as not to ruin his current marriage if you dont get the answer you seek, so please be careful and be prepared for what you find. Good luck
2007-06-24 04:26:57 · answer #1 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 1⤊ 3⤋
First and foremost, if you are not happy in the relationship you are in now, take care of that first. No sense in staying miserable, and no sense in pursuing other things if you can't take care of the situation you're unhappy in now.
I do not recommend sneakily calling his house. Most phones have Caller ID meaning the call will most likely not be secret in any way, shape, or form. Maybe write a hand-written letter addressing both of them, just to say hello, tell him you're doing well, and wanted to send them well-wishes. (You were married to the guy, you're always going to care about him and how he's doing.) One of a few things will happen. It'll get ignored, she'll throw it away before he gets his hands on it, he'll write back telling you things are great, she'll write back telling you not to ever write again, or he'll write back telling you his life sucks.
After the relationship you're in now is taken care of, if you want to move back home, make sure you are doing it for you and not anyone else.
I highly recommend seeking therapy to take care of the issue of "guilt and my own way of sabotaging a relationship" or you run the risk, should you end back up with him, of doing the same thing over again. (You may wish to do that anyway so you avoid those feelings in future relationships with anyone.)
If you move home, keep in mind you will be moving back to the place your ex-husband is. This could be a very good or very bad thing. If he is happy in his relationship, you will, of course, be completely crushed and have to deal with that maturely enough to not ruin his and your life. If he is not happy, and their marriage ends, do not become the rebound person, no matter what history you have with him. Both of you will need time to heal from failed relationships, even if only a few weeks or months, before truly pursuing the idea of rekindling old flames.
Regardless of your choice, I wish you truly the best of luck.
2007-06-24 04:38:37 · answer #2 · answered by Scarlet 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's nice to see people have their priorities straight regarding love. You don't want to go home because it will cost you a fortune so you string your current husband along. Nice. However, I'm sure if your current husband tells you that he is still in love with one of his ex'es you would demonize him and play the victim card i.e. you really love this man, did all you could to save the marriage, poor me poor me. You need help. You should come clean to your current husband so he can begin the divorce proceedings so he can get along with his life. Then you need to get into some serious therapy and don't get into any relationships until you're "healed". Just don't string along anymore men in the process. ICK! ICK! ICK!
2007-06-24 04:31:28 · answer #3 · answered by six3x 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
theres stilll friendship. you could have broke his heart. If he ignores you just remember forgive love and be you. don't let something like a guy break you down. counseling also helps comfort your amount of stress. if your sad and he tries cheering you up you do know that every girl would like a man like that. Stand up call him. don't be afraid if the women answers if so say its really important that I let him know this before I leave that you love him. It would still mean alot but getting remarried is like you already moved on. but sometimes even though this happens they might not have moved on. dont be afraid. I am still friends with exs that I have dated. give it time. don't be afraid though. people are around to comfort you everyday. keep on the sunny side of life.
2007-06-24 04:22:53 · answer #4 · answered by heather n 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Texting lets you control the tone and establish what kind of conversation you want to have. Learn here https://tr.im/l4PaM
This is probably the most important part. With texting, you can stop and think about what you want to say to your ex at each step of the way. Instead of reacting emotionally, you can take your time, figure out the right thing to say (I’ll give you most of it), and be strategic with your ex without saying something that you’ll regret.
2016-04-21 11:17:50 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When the present becomes hard to live in, one often diverts attention to the past. One would do better to find ways to become more positive with life and to learn new things. How your ex spends his time and with whom, is not your concern anymore. What is done is done, and he married someone he loves. Someone who tries to make contact is going to come across as a stalker. It is only going to make your feelings stronger. Be patient with yourself, and take care of yourself. Try to live in the present or the future instead.
2007-06-24 04:22:59 · answer #6 · answered by pitch 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like you had a tough childhood. Someone who should have taken care of you betrayed you... Maybe sexual abuse, alcohol in the family, or a father that abandoned you.
You have issues, and should let him get on with his life. You already screwed him over once. Give him a break. Don't do it again.
2007-06-24 04:20:37 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with troyboy...you need to let him go. You had your chance and obviously you choose another path. He has already dealt with you leaving him once...why would he even think of leaving his current wife for you? You need to deal with the decision you made and move on. Don't ruin his new life. It's not fair to him.
2007-06-24 04:27:20 · answer #8 · answered by Leisa 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very sorry to read about your plight.
unfortunately, in our current society, we are encouraged to get a divorce without good reason, as soon as possible.
apparently, you are a victim of the thoughtless need to "get a divorce".
sounds like you need to try to learn to love your husband, or, move.
i suggest you learn to love him.
as you probably know, we tend to want the things we can't have.
its possible to learn to love your husband. try it.
2007-06-24 04:25:08 · answer #9 · answered by ramni222 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husbands ex is like you! You need to let go, he has moved on, you had him, you or he messed up, no second chances for you, he took his and its not with you.
Move on with your life and find your true happiness its out there somewhere but just not with your ex
2007-06-24 04:24:45 · answer #10 · answered by Ella 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋