What do u think of this opening for 1st Chapter of story Im writing?

Question

Chapter 1

“Ben, I don’t like what I see.” His wife said with her back towards him as she stood by the balcony doors that overlooked the city below. Her arms were loosely folded, and her raven black hair and the satin night dress that she was wearing billowed gently in the breeze that blew through the open doors of the balcony. Strangely there was an absence of the usual city ambience of whaling police sirens and traffic.

Feeling puzzled as to what she meant Ben slid out from under the magnolia coloured bed covers and went to join Sky.
“Honey, what are you talking about?” he said resting his hand over her back, instinctively stroking the silky creaminess of her night dress, he just wanted her to come back to bed. She looked at him with her dark and intense eyes, wearing an expression of anxiety. Ben slowly lifted his eyes up to the horizon of the city, the familiar cityscape of neon draped buildings was disturbed by a monstrous structure with a colouring as black as the

the blackest night sky, it reflected no light. It was adorned by twisted spires and tendrils that reached into the purple stormy sky stabbing into the lower clouds. It’s symmetry was striking but this only served to emphasise its abstract unnaturalness and alieness.

Ben felt a hint of anxiety and fear welling up in his solar plexus just by setting his eyes on that thing, indeed it felt as if that ‘thing’ was inducing these feelings inside him. He felt his pulse racing, he wanted to run but he was rooted to the spot. He reached out for Sky next to him but he just felt his arms slicing through thin air. He started to back off from the balcony.

Suddenly the sky started to light up building to an intensity of solid white light in the distance. This wall of white light started to move towards them at terrific speed, swallowing up everything that it enveloped tearing down buildings and float roads. A vortex inside the light was sweeping debris and everything into it like a

a tornado. Ben felt air around him being dragged outside of the room towards the brilliant light. He found it hard to breathe as it was even sucking the air out of his lungs. And the fear, such fear as he never felt before when one feels the second before their life is extinguished…the light burning into his eyes, his skin-

Ben bolted up right in his bed, he was breathing hard and was cold from perspiration

Answer 1

that is a good beginning

Answer 2

Your writing is better than that of most twelve-year-olds, although your punctuation needs a little bit of work when it comes to direct speech. But, for a twelve-year-old, pretty good. It's not up to the standard of a good adult writer, but for your age group, well done. However, your story's clearly heavily influenced by Philip Pullman - the 'guard soul' idea is incredibly close to the 'daemon' idea in the His Dark Materials trilogy, and you've also given your main character, Lyra, the same name as Pullman's main character. It would be nice to see you write something more original.

Answer 3

Good enough but not very good.... I think you could go a bit slow on adjectives and make it lighter. the start of the chapter is a very light tone where are u are not revealing anything but the city. Make it more citylike.

Is Sky the name of his wife? It aint interesting, seems kinda abnormal
Well i am curious to know what happened next to Ben...

TW K

Answer 4

Except for a few words I'd find synonyms for (solar plexus, perspiration) I think it was a pretty good narrative. The words come easily, though the imagery does appear swiftly and then dissolves as quickly. Needs polishing, but I guess it was a first draft. So, I think it was great... great... and well done!
I also would appreciate it if you had a look at my writing and rated it - It would be better for someone with your experience to give me their honest opinion. Th elink is here and check my Questions in my profile and please comment:

http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-3TmkpeQ8eqLgSkELyFGuJ9Cd

Answer 5

I think that sentences are too long: the reader loses himself in a mountain of adjectives and risks to miss the real meaning of what you're saying. Maybe it's only a problem of mine, but I had to read each phrase from the beginning at least two times to catch the real meaning, because I was too much distracted. But consider that I'm Italian and I'm answering to your question only because I'm a writer too. Good luck!

Answer 6

There is lots and lot of description but not a lot actually happening so it doesn't tend to suck the reader (me) in (I did only read the 1st 2 paragraphs but then got board so maybe it heats up a bit after that).
I hope you wanted honestly (remember this is just my opinion and loads of people will probably love it), good luck with the writing.

Answer 7

I think it is a very good start, of course your going to need to develop the characters, but starting with a dream sequence is always a good start to a book. At this point I am thinking thirller mystery, or sience fiction plot but not sure. I liked it very much. Keep it up.

Answer 8

First, instead of calling her his wife at the beginning, give her name.

Wailing, not whaling...

Solar plexus? How about gut? K.I.S.S> (that's what I was always told in writing class, lol)

You use his name too many times: Ben, Ben, Ben...

Other than that it sounds pretty good.

Answer 9

I like it - the reader is immediately pulled into the story, perfect for the scene you've set up. All I can really say is look out for little grammatical errors and typos - other than that, it's awesome!

Answer 10

Be careful when you show your unedited writing, meaning don't let people rip into your self-confidence.

Always try to show, not "tell" the reader. Stay away from passive verbs.

Just keep writing. The editing can come later.

Answer 11

I think that is a good beginning of a story. You might want to use full stops and commas a little more frequently.