If you're not happily married, would you remain in the marriage?

Question

No physical abuse. Get a lot of attention from him, yet question whether it's for his own selfishness because he knows Im on the way out. There is 1 child involved. 2nd marriage. I stayed in the 1st marriage for the kid & realized that was wrong. Went to counseling, we cannot be cordial when it comes to custody. He wants to just rack up the attrny bills I guess in mediation, I guess. I have reconciled with him on marriage 2x's now. I feel no l.o.v.e. inside. I'm overwhelmed w/anger moreso because I feel he just wants 2 take my child away from me w/his threats of primary custody. And I only make under 20G's/yr.

Answer 1

There have been many studies done on the question of whether people work for money or something else. Well some do, but most will accept a lesser income in favour of interesting or challenging work, good working conditions, or any number of other factors.

So it is with marriage. LIke work tends to be equated with making money, so marriage tends to be equated with happiness. But what is happiness?

I think that comes in degrees. I've had moments when I've been so incredibly happy it actually hurt. I've had many moments when I've just been content and nothing more. Happiness I think is all of these things, ranging from mere contentment all the way to unbelievable intense happiness.

Marriages, like work, offer a variety of benefits. They are an opportunity for companionship which is very valuable to many who have spent a long time alone and lonely. It is an opportunity to share in life's chores and challenges for together these can be overcome a lot easier than struggling alone. It is an opportunity for meeting our physical needs, both affection and sex. It is a chance for meeting our spiritual needs, a supportive partner can be incredibly motivating, making us strive to achieve far more than we could alone. There are very many benefits in marriage. Those are only a few and the actual mix depends on the individual, we all seem to have some common needs and some individual ones too.

The extent you are happy depends a lot on how many of the things you need are fulfilled in the marriage. Clearly if many are fulfilled one can argue it's a happy marriage even though there will be things that are not achieved and thus it is impossible to achieve that really ideal happiness we all dream about.

I'm not wildly happy in my marriage, though it did start well enough. Yet I'm still in it because there is sufficient benefit for me to sustain me in a content manner and to give me the odd happy moment once in a while. I think you'll find many people are like that too.

So why? Well there's another unfortunate reality too, dating sucks after a while. Whenever you meet someone new it's exciting of course, here's a chance for a new adventure. But eventually that pales. Every time you meet someone new you go through the same exercise yet again. You tell all the same stories for one thing in the getting to know you phase. You encounter conflicts as a result of unfortunate misunderstandings which are inevitable when you get to know someone new. These sap your energy and cost a lot of time. And in the end you find that incredible happiness remains elusive again. Do you start over yet again?

Often there comes a point with a spouse where you understand each other. There aren't any more misunderstandings, you both understand what the other means with a given turn of phrase or a suggestion. There comes a point where you share in some things and pursue other interests independently. There comes a time when you can rely on your spouse to be there for you when you need a shoulder. When something new happens you can talk about that instead of wasting a lot of time exploring the past or settling yet another misunderstanding.

Of course you can achieve these with just about anyone but it can, and usually does, take years of investment. The investment is in emotion, energy and constant thinking about the issues. So how many times do you want to start over? Remember you have a limited life, you can't start over every few years in the hope of finding that magic person who will fulfill all your dreams assuming such a person actually exists. To do that you'll find yourself old and gray and approaching the grave before you finally settle down and that doesn't leave you a lot of time to reap the benefits of the marriage.

Usually a better approach, and one that many people adopt, is to say my spouse and my marriage are good enough. They meet most of my needs and they keep me in a range from content to happy most of the time. Many people figure they've invested in the relationship now to the point where it's time to reap the benefits instead of starting over again with no guarantee that it will be better the next time around. In fact it rarely ever is better the next time around. All you're really doing is trading one set of issues for a different set of issues

So yes, I am staying in my marriage to the end as are many others too. It's simpler and more satisfying over all to be happy with what you have than it is to pursue that elusive ideal happiness we heard so much about as kids when our parents read us all the fairy tales.

One final point though, this discussion assumes that the issue is the filfillment of our needs and dreams. That's often what causes unhappiness in a marriage. However, there are marriages in which a partner is very abusive or takes constantly wtihout giving or sharing. These relationships are not an issue of happiness, they tend to be an issue of personal survival, either physical or emotional or both. In that kind of a situation I'd get out quickly for my own good. Thankfully I experienced that only once with a woman who was pure poison for me and thankfully that wasn't a marriage though it could have become one had I not figured it out beforehand.

In terms of your comment, I'd say this was one of those situations where you would probably be better off leaving. It gets complicated with a kid but it's even more complicated if you stay. Keep in mind you're role models for the kid. If you raise the child in a loveless marriage in which he tends to dominate, that's what the kid will feel is normal and that's the kind of relationship the kid will seek eventually too. It's better to try to find a husband who represents a better role model than the one you have.

I hope that helps a little. Good Luck!

Answer 2

No! But it depends if your the man or the woman..The man will avoid divorce because it means losing half his assets and paying child support forever. He will have to start all over again. The women usually get it better and is still taken care of after she leaves. Personally, (now) I would stay so my partner didnt lose all hes ever worked for, but would arrange an open kind of marriage where we both did what we want. If i really couldnt stand him, Id be out the door in a flash. (depends on the guy whether i would claim anything.. I dont think i could do it) I have a few male friends that are in this position....they just want OUT NOW, but wont leave due to property....

Answer 3

No i would not. I wouldnt just run out of the relationship either. Marriage requires a lot of work to maintain. Problems come up and it is important to do your best to work them out other wise you are not doing your part in the marriage to keep it together. The worst is when you have kids because you owe it to your kids to try and keep things as well balanced as possible. Separating if you have children can leave a major impact on the rest of their lives. However if things can be worked out, why stay miserable when there is possibly someone else out there for you that you could be happier with. And if you have children and you cant work through things then it is also better that you split because they shouldnt have to hear or deal with your disagreements with your spouse. But if it is solely based on happiness then no i would not remain int he relationship or marriage when that only creates stress and other problems.

Answer 4

First I would try counceling to see if my marriage could be saved. If he didn't go, I would.
A marriage is a big thing to end,and it shouldn't be taken lightly, espically if there are kids in the picture.
Then if it were me, knowing i had tried everything first to make it work, then yes I probably would.
The key point being that i tried everything.
That way if you ever did decide to leave, you know you did everything you could.
If there is abuse, then no I wouldn't wait another moment. I would get out.

Answer 5

One of the biggest contributing factors to your question is, are children involved? Children can make or break a marriage. Are there kids involved? If so, it may be worth sticking it out and seeking counseling to make it last. Hope this helps.

Answer 6

I'm remain in the marriage for my 2 kids. But im not happy every time when i think of my marriage life.

Answer 7

I have until now remained, and I am not happy. If my circumstances were to change. Like if I were to find a good job that I can afford to be on my own. I would leave. If one day I would decide to end my marriage. I don't plan on remarrying.

Answer 8

Sometimes you just do what you can because it's just life...When children are involved you try to set a good example for them because in todays world it's crazy and tough...

Answer 9

If you are not happy, then you should try talking to your spouse and if that doesn't help fix the problem, then I think you should move on and fine happiness and a peace of mind.Good Luck...............

Answer 10

depends on how bad it is. if there is abuse, then H3LL no.
Otherwise, I would try to work it out and possibly get some marriage counseling.