Pls comment - Concerned about childhood experience?

Question

I posted this question today and it was wildly misunderstood, and after learning how to add to my story so that it would clear up the misperceptions, I then decided to delete the story so that I could start again. Please comment after reading the whole story with additions:

I am 34, and quite a deadpan realist in most areas of life - I am super responsible, have been successfully self employed for years, work really very hard, am entrepeneurial in several different businesses (which requires a good dose of realism, and knowledge of how life works etc), pay my taxes on time, blah blah

I am blessed with enough charisma and charm to be popular at parties, am a v.good sportsman, have enough life experience to talk about anything to anyone, have travelled the world, and etc, and I have no problems attracting ladies. However, I am a deep romantic at heart - or one may call it sentimental.

I still have a small special spot for my 1st girlfriend as a kid, and the reason for that, is because of the purity and beautiful and simple trust that we had. No complex adult baggages and issues.

On a farm recently, I met my friends 13 yr old daughter. Not only is she absolutely beautiful, but shes got the lovely character of a country girl, with tremendous qualities. (Now its at this point where I was badly misunderstood - so I will edit.)

I basically want to know if I am super weird by having brief fleeting thoughts of what it would be like to wait 10 years till she has grown some, and what a potential friendship could be like then? Of course, I do then think, goodness me, the chances are vague, I would also be 44, she would only be 22, thats a big difference in life - to me.

I could honestly then summarise by saying that yes, I am strange in the sense of still cherishing a childhood memory that was/ is really precious to me, but please - dont read much more into it than that

Any advice on how to deal with a childhood memory and if its completely messed up to still cherish it, might be what I am then looking for. Tx.

I hope this makes sense now, and clears up any previous misperceptions. No, I am not a pervert, no I dont feel sexually turned on by the girl in question nor possess any paedophilic tendencies or thoughts, but I am a bit concerned that I still cherish this memory from my childhood, and would love the opportunity just to vent it out and get some feedback.

Thanks very much.

Hi All,

Many thanks for the thoughtful replies and advice and insight given. I appreciate them all. Is this the correct place to add some further detail which you might be able to respond on then? I hope so.

For the one who believes I am boasting - I am sorry. I am trying to paint a picture of someone who for all intents and purposes is a healthy adult, functioning in an adult manner - but with a few concerns that I have never spoken about - to anybody.

Perhaps it is this that worries me that deep down inside that I hold onto a "perfect" memory that does hold me back in my road of growth in terms of intimate relationships, and so its best to get it out and sorted with.

I do not keep company at all with the girl in question (I live 1000miles away), and I dont think about her every day. I think its more the idea that she represents which happens to spark off the beautiful memories as a child which concern me as somewhere I feel that that all may be fallacy in an adult world.

The fallacy is perhaps being completely accepted for who ones self truly and secretly is, of being believed in, of being trusted and of course above all, just loved.

I am not sure that this is possible by adults, well, certainly not in my life and experience.

I never prentended to be Mister Maturity or Mr I am sorted out Emotionally, just that initially I was posting a picture of someone who can and does function well in our Western Civilisation world (I dont live in the USA)

Tx


edit: I just want to describe the moment that I really enjoyed and which really moved me inside, and then you can attack it with psychological insights:

We were 10 adults, and 5 kids, on holiday together in the bush. Theres not much to do so you chat quite a bit, play games, make food together, hit the beach, that sort of thing. We were playing this game where the girl backed me up solidly to the point of defense. I was so taken aback by this gesture as she trusts very few, and I havent spent much time

with her or the family. She backed me though she was pressurised by all to reveal the "whodunnit" to the point of tears, where her uncle just pushed too darn hard. My heart went out to her, and I wondered what I had done to deserve this incredible trust. It really moved me.

On retelling the story later on to their extended family, they immediately said to me - you've won a friend for life... this was so incredible to me... that someone who is quiet and reserved and almost cagey - incredibly observant (the same way I was when I was her age) would believe in me like that.

I have long last felt so honoured, and it remains a blessing to me to this day. I hope this sheds light on my weaknesses as a human being, and that I am not trying to portray the image of "all that and a bag of chips" as someone incorrectly surmised.

Okay, its been cathartic to write that down, please look at it and show me why I am struggling with this amazing occurence (for me, in my life).

Answer 1

You haven't really explained why you think having such a memory is problematic. There is nothing inherently odd or unusual about someone cherishing some aspect of their childhood. Unless it interferes some way in your life at present (e.g., gets in the way of your having a healthy adult relationship) I don't see why this romanticization of your first relationship would be troubling to you. As far as the friends' daughter, I can understand why meeting her might spark memories of your old girlfriend. Again, I don't understand why that would be a problem, unless it somehow interferes with your happiness or some other aspects of your life. For example, if you decide that you will "wait" for her for the next nine years and exclude all other relatinships, that would be a bit odd. I would add that fantasies, left in the world of fantasy, are not generally unhealthy. We all let our imaginations go at various times and there is nothing wrong with that. Unless, once again, you are having fantasies that are troubling to you. But you've made an effort to be very clear that there is nothing unsavoury going on, so unless you're leaving something out, I'm not sure where the problem is. Maybe you should be thinking about the two things you describe - the old girlfriend / the friends' young daughter - and trying to understand where your concern is coming from. If it is a vague unease or anxiety, there is maybe more there than you are telling us or yourself. I hope you are able to sort this out. Good luck.

Answer 2

I don't see anythig wrong with cherishing a memory, but everyone must move on from there or you won't have any new memories to cherish, if you know what I mean. It is time to move on. Holding onto the past will hold you back emotionally and will obstruct further development. I have many memories of my earlier life. I really enjoyed myself and had wonderful relationships, but I kept looking forward. Life is not over. My life now is so much different from what anyone would have predicted, including myself. I never planned it this way. But at some point I decided to be open to new experiences and I followed where life led me. I would not change a thing, both the good and the bad, because that is the way life is. Move on. keep your old friends, but make new; one is gold and the other is silver. Be an alchemist and change silver into gold. Enjoy life and be good! Live in peace!

Answer 3

It is not appropriate to fantasize about a 13-year-old who has a right to her childhood. Leave her alone and seek your life companion preferences within an adult who you know is real to their personality and the attributes you are seeking in a life partner but keep in mind perfectionism is not a valuable trait.

There obviously isn't anything wrong with seeking one who will love you and allow you to return that love as well - adult to adult. Little bit of a hint: Stop boasting and allow those you ask out for a date to get to know you on their own. Isn't that how you want to get to know a gal without you having to listen to "I'm all that"?

Another fact according to your info: At 22 young adults are still not grounded in their walk. Given the description of your preferences you are seeking a stable relationship which can't be forced and so maturity would be an issue out of all honesty. To add to that, what would be equal or produce a goal of becoming one when one is forming the other? When I read this post I get that you are assuming this young gals future and may waste your life doing so instead of challenging yourself now in an adult relationship.

Get rid of the boast or you will be toast ; )

~~~~Live blessed

Concerned: That is not a childhood memory. According to your post, you are presently seeking an honest relationship which isn't a disease or some sort of childhood trauma. Jeepers, either you've allowed someone to confuse the tar out of U or you've lost sight of the fact that in the present you, again according to your post, you know you want to be loved and have love to give. That isn't just for children. Where did you get that information from? Hope you get that straightened out ...it's probably got you in spiritual bondage.

Answer 4

From much experience I know all to tell that it's nigh impossible to rinse out indelibly etched memories and sensations from our system.

What you describe sounds like an "obsession"-- the issue is then... are you having strong feelings for her or for the memory that she embodies? Secondly, waiting 10 years.... not necessarily healthy living for you and it has a deterministic flavor of your wanting to manage her life and loves. Finally, the age difference in terms of developmental milestones is extremely significant and what appears as "apples in leaves of Gold" erodes quickly once reality sets in when age is this much of a barrier.

The only issue, as highlighted above me, is that this little girl has become the vehicle of your imagination and memory--- so much so that your fantasy life is centered on her, and this is where the problems begin!

Finally, your self image--- sounds like your may also be struggling with some big, ego issues here.

Answer 5

Brief and fleeting isn't weird at all. Quite normal. There were times and places in which acting on that would also be quite normal.

But here and now, indulging your daydreams too much in this area, or spending much time at all around this child, is simply wrong. Sinful.

She is at the age to get passionate crushes on the most unlikely people -- 50 year old married teachers, for example. They don't mean anything either.

But if your fleeting thoughts meet her vulnerability -- no.

I think you need to stay far away from this poor child, for both your sakes, but especially for hers.

The human mind is capable of convincing itself of nearly anything; do not let yours rationalize you into trouble.

But no, such thoughts are far from abnormal.

Answer 6

cherish it all you want ... just don't act on your impulses. while you may feel all grown up and mature, my opinion is that you have a long way to go. good luck to you.