do you guys think my poem is deep?

Question

This poem is about my good close friend moved yesterday...=/ im really sad so i wrote this i need your honest opinion and do you think this poem is deep?

You told me your moving miles away
Left me speechless with nothing to say
Didn’t want to get hurt, so I tried to drift away
I was scared. It was like I was trapped in the dark.
You began to notice & you asked why I've been ignoring you.
I knew I was, but I denied your question & responded "I'm not."
I tried to act so cold like I didn't even care,
And made it as if she was a stranger; someone I had never seen or met before.
But the pain grows stronger each day like being shot over and over.

Time passes by, and it seems like we're not talking.
But I thought about all the times we've had.
And I thought about the way we used to talk, we shared so many deep thoughts,
And laughs, and now we're sharing tears.
I can't ask what happened
Knowing it was my fault
For distancing myself when we should have been closer

So I wrote her a goodbye letter,
Gave it to you with tears in my eyes.
Trying so hard to pretend I'm okay...
Tomorrow is your last day, and my mind was fulled with goodbyes
I couldn’t sleep, my heart was racing as if I were being chasing by a train

Last time I’m gonna see you,
I told myself not to cry when I say my goodbyes
My heart pounding as the bell rang I couldn't take it
I broke down & started crying, and my tears were like an ocean.
You tried cheering me up, but you couldn't,
Because we both knew nothing would help

You left me behind, I was blaming myself for everything
I still don't wanna cry, and yet you turn back for one last look.
I regret everything I've done, and I'm still crying.
Tears' waterfall won't stop falling
In school time, in day time, in night time, for all time
But somehow I found myself thinking...
One day I'll see my friend again.
And happiness will come back, someday...


what do you guys think?

Answer 1

Poems like this are good to help heal hurt feelings. This poem is certainly deep in an emotional sense of the word. I think your poetry would improve if you do a little reading of shorter, more succinct poetry. I don't mean shorter in terms of number of stanzas because some of the best poems are lengthy, but rather shorter in regard to each individual thought. I think this would help to improve your writing and better organize your ideas in the future.

I'm sorry about your friend; I hope you try to mend the friendship that obviously means so much to you still.

Answer 2

It was good, and here's why: You use specifics, you don't cheat by using vague words in the images you create. Here are some examples:

I was scared. It was like I was trapped in the dark

And made it as if she was a stranger; someone I had never seen or met before.

And I'm sorry your friend moved away.

But the pain grows stronger each day like being shot over and over.

I couldn’t sleep, my heart was racing as if I were being chased by a train

These are good associations. They paint a picture for your reader.

Now for a few points of critique to help you refine this (take what like, ignore everything else):

Don't feel the need to take your audience to the end of the story. You can stop at any point you like. You are describing a common event that many people can relate to. I actually think the best place to end your poem is where yahoo cut you off. "For distancing myself when we should have been closer". That is a strong thought to end on.

I would also suggest that you read this out loud to yourself a few times and see what feels wrong to your ear, and then smooth it out. You will pick up a lot that way.

This poem is true to life, and while I think you can strengthen and refine it, it is good work.

Answer 3

This was really deep, it had the meaning you intended: the pian, grief, sadness... it was really good. I wanted to cry when i read it, it was really emotional, you did a really good job, well done.

And even if you keep the original and copy it and rearrange it and play with it, you might be surprised at how you can change it yet keep it the same... but yeah, if you want muck around with a second copy and see what you come up wit and which ever one you are happier with, make a good copy of it and give it to her when yous see each other in the future... dont lose hope of that, you will see each other again and she would know that you cared about her and she would miss you too, keep your chin up and write more poetry, it helps to write down what you are feeling and over time youll get really good. Wish you well.

Answer 4

Dear Mary, sorry for the loss when your friend moved miles away. The sadness is pretty evident and the feeling of helplessness including guilt and denial are quite clear. However, I think, poetry is not merely beginning every line of prose with a capital letter! My suggestion: Condense your feelings poetically into fewer words. Make use of images, metaphors, similes and ironies! For example, this is just plain prose like lines pulled out of a letter:

You told me your moving miles away
Left me speechless with nothing to say
Didn’t want to get hurt, so I tried to drift away
I was scared. It was like I was trapped in the dark.

There's no poetry in these lines yet you could make use of language resources to reduce all these four lines into perhaps only two or one! If you felt as you say in the last line, try to express it all in even three words that capture the profundity of how you felt! How were you trapped in the dark? what trapped you? how did you feel in that trap? How exactly were you speechless? And how did you feel trying to escape your "lie" when you didnt "want to get hurt"? You felt guilty lying to your friend and that is what perhaps you want utmost to express! so go ahead and condense those feellings into succinct diction without beating about the prosaic bush!

Poets often don't use images and figures of speech just for ornamentation. A seemingly inconsequential analogy like, "My love is a sweet sweet rose," is thick and dense if one starts to analyse it with a critical eye!! And hundreds of words could be used to describe or restate those seven words. In short get one or two appropriate words that state your deep feelings. By simply asking me to say whether your "poem is deep," suppose I say yes or no. What would you do with the answer? For if you are in for flattery, I'd simply say, Yes and you'll feel joyous but ideally, cheated! And if I say No, not deep enough, you may simply regard me as untutored, unschooled in poetic feelings gently expressed! Hence reconsider what you want to do with the answer.
Ok. you asked for honest opinion. There you have mine.

Good luck.

Answer 5

It is one of the nicest poem I have read
At first it was kind of boring but as I continue reading
I cannot stop crying
IT is so deep really deep
It can even make anyone cry :'(

Answer 6

we write poetry the same way i thought it was good and it was deep KEEP WRITING if you ever want to dicuss poetry email me at [e-mail]

Answer 7

it is very deep, i realy liked it, keep on writing poetry like that, have fun-
-Kaiti

Answer 8

your way of writing poetry is exactly like mine! so i can say, its da bomb!

Answer 9

it expresses genuine feelings, doesn't it? of course it's deep.

Answer 10

i got two words HA-HA, just joking i enjoyed it