Should i put up with his behaviour or move on?

Question

I have been with my partner 8 years,married for 4 of them, hes the best husband in the world i love him with all my heart but in november my husband slipped a disc in his back and became bored at home
he accused me of having an affair at work which i hadnt but he was so adamant i had he got me to a point where i was angry with myself and was punching myself in the face. He was treating me like crap for 6 months.
We worked it out, now ive found out for the last few months hes been smoking behind my back and threatening to beat my kids (age 10 and 6 )if they tell me, he made my life a misery over his made up affair i was having, now hes been caught out hes wont admit it,hes sleeping in our car somewhere with no money and i wont have him back till he admits what hes done and said to the kids, he always has to be in control or isnt happy, am i taking this smoking thing too serious? ive told him admit it and he can come home but he says the kids are filthy liars, i feel so sick xx

Answer 1

im so sorry, what a shame and how difficult this must be for you, i understand that your husband must have huge issues what with his health and all, but first thing is ifrst here, your children, i mean, then should not have to live in fear of anyone, let alone their father, that is mental abuse, i think your priority here is to protect your children first and foremost and if that means staying seperate from hubby, then im sorry but thats what must happen. I think a good step forward, would be to suggest that hubby goes to relationship counselling with you, and hopefully if there are any deeper issues with anger or whatever, the therapist would pick up on it and refer him to another doc or something. Good luck, and stay strong your babies need a parent who they can rely on. xxx

Answer 2

You have two options and two things to think about. The two things to consider are do you want your marriage to be saved? Is he and yourself willing to work together and see counselor to get the marriage back on track? Now the two things to consider are do you feel as though staying married will help or destroy you and your children? Are you miserable more than you are happy? Basically sweetie if you find that you are concentrating more or find that there is more bad than good then you know the answer to your question. However if you feel the marriage is salable then fight for it and save it.
I never am excited or happy when I hear that a marriage is failing and I am not saying to run for the nearest exit. But try to work on it first. He and you must work together because if you don't or he or you chooses to point the finger and be bull headed your marriage is already an divorce.

I wish you luck!

Charlie

Answer 3

Get away from this jerk. Not because he smokes, for cryin' out loud, smoking is the least of your problems right now and it's such a minor thing. Because he's threatened the kids, it's time for him to hit the road and not look back.
I'd say go to some kind of counseling, but don't let him around the kids until he learns to keep his mouth shut and his hands to himself.
He was probably having the "affair" and because HE was doing it he accused you so he could throw the guilt that way instead of dealing with it like he should have.

Answer 4

Good Lord. First I was giggling about the mental image of you punching yourself in the face. Ooh, you're funny.

As for your deadbeat husband - smoking what? Pot or cigarettes? If it's pot, then lock the door and throw away the key. If it's cigarettes.. well then I have a hard time understanding why he would want to beat his kids over something like that. Of course, with his bad back, they could probably take him.

I'm kidding. Sorry. Okay, seriously, this guy has issues. Talk to your kids, make sure they're okay, and start planning how you're going to go about being a single mom, because it sounds like that's your only option at this point. NOONE should EVER threaten your children.

Answer 5

Do you have communication problems? It seems like there are things about him that he hasn't told you. And I wonder if he understand how you feel, or what he has put you through all this time. Smoking is a nothing to be worried about now. There seems to be things that bigger that you should pay attention to, like your marriage and your kids. I'd talk to him, you might not know where to start, but he needs to know how you feel and you need to know his feelings too. If you just try to communicate better, other things will follow to fall on the right place...

Answer 6

Hmmmm ....DAMN he is saying this about the kids (the kids are filthy liars ???), do u really feel that u want this type of role model for your kids ? personally i dont think you need to feel bad about him sleeping in the car, he created his bed of deception, now let him lay in it. It floors me ... how he can try and put this issue onto the kids making it seem like it's them and not him that is doing the lying and decieving. This guy doesnt sound like much of a man to me, he seem more of a coward that doesnt want to own up to his wrong-doings :o( take care and good luck :o)

Answer 7

You have a bad situation. If you let him come back and smoke he will think he can always have you give in. And see what your kids think, alot of kids know things you may not. Or keep him out and take care of everything yourself. Of coarse I belive that each induvidual has a right to their very own way of life.

Answer 8

Well, I don't blame you for feeling sick. It sounds like you are both very angry at each other. Take a step back and decide if you want to save this marriage or not. Then, go to counseling or a divorce lawyer, your choice.

Answer 9

Sounds to me like he's having the affair and using the kids as an excuse to not come home.

Answer 10

It may be best that your both attend counseling. Some trust issues have arisen. Your hubby needs to be more mature, and the answer lies between both of you. Using the kids is a cop-out. Hopefully you both can work it out for your kids sake...