Complicated Situation, advice please?

Question

Well, a couple monthes ago my fiance got a email from his ex wifes parents saying she killed herself along with his baby that she was pregnant with, just recently he told me that she's still alive, he just found out recently also, anyway he told me that her parents just told him that so he wouldn't go for custody and what not, well I want him to go for custody because I don't believe the girl could be a good mother, her doctors have said she has the mind and ability of a 13 year old and since the child is a part of my fiance I care for it already, my fiance doesn't want to fight for custody because he's worried about me feeling bad because I'm not the mother (I grew up with certain beliefs in a very christianity family) and I know I'll feel a bit sad about it, but I want him to have his child with him, I know its important to him, what do you think I should do? leave it be or try to talk him into fighting for the child? How should I go along with it? thanks in advance for all your help

Answer 1

Wow..before I answer this I have to say that is very admirable of you. Many people are hesitant to raise a baby that is not theirs. Anyway, I think all you can do is be supportive of his decision. You can continue to give your opinion and suggest, but don't push/pressure him. Ultimately he has to decide if he's going to go the extra mile and fight for his child. You can continue to explain to him your side of it...but the last decision falls with him. Just continue to show him that you'll be there for him through it all and also let him know that no matter what he decides you will be by his side. It may help to remind him that you wouldn't mind having his child around b/c you feel since the child is his...you can also treat him/her like your own and love him/her the same. If you feeling bad is the only reason he doesn't want to fight for custody, then you reiterating that you will be OK with it may solve that.

Answer 2

Wow - that is a lot to deal with.

I would fight for it - mostly for the child's upbringing and safety above all. That child will not be raised to the best potential - OR to the right standards. This child needs to be brought up by a nice christian family - who will teach them to tell the truth through all circumstances - even if it is hard. Already this child's extended family has proven they cannot be trusted - or be a good role model for the family.
It seems to be that you care more for this child than it's own 'blood-related' family can. You are looking out for this child's best interest - over your own feelings - even though they can be tough at times - you still are putting the child's feelings first. And with mothering a child who is not your biological one - can be hard. However, can be rewarding. Just because this child was born to another mother doesn't mean that she is the 'mother' of that child. My mother is a foster mother - who has taken in so many children that are not her own - however, she has been more of a mother to them then their own biological mothers have been. Many of them have said that she is their true mother - even though she did not give birth to them. She has a poem I have always remembered...
'Not a bone of my bone - not flesh of my flesh. But still miraculously still my own. Never forget for a single minute, that you didn't grow under my heart, but in it.'

What matters to your husband matters to you. It goes both ways. Imagine yourself in your husband's shoes - which you probably have many times.

PRAY. Fully rely on God (F.R.O.G.) And do what you have been doing - thinking of the child's best interest. And don't make a decision that will make you wonder in years to come 'I wonder what would have happened if...' Or waiting to hear about the child in the newspaper/news or sadly enough - the obituaries.

Don't take anything on that will stress you beyond your wildest dreams - or put a strain on your future marriage. And also remember - with children - ANYTHING can happen!! :) They do and say the darnest things!! And one more thing (yes I guess I am long winded tonight!) the younger you get custody of this child - the better it is for the child. You don't have to 'unteach' them as much - or change thier thought processes that have been altered by untrustworthy people.

Good luck - in all.

Answer 3

If you do not mind helping him with raising a baby, then let him know that you support him and his choices.
He is the father and the mother will never be able to raise the child. He is setting up a new family and will be in a good position to raise the child, therefore, he will more than likely win the court case. If he can be on talking terms with her parents and let them know that they will never be refused to see their grandchild, then they will not fight him.
Be there for him. Love him and let him know that you want the baby. Be strong because you are starting a new life with him as well and a baby can make the marriage difficult. Know that you will not be having much time alone with him after the baby comes, but if you are willing to raise the child then all should be well.
Do remember that when you do get frustrated with him or the baby, do not take it out on the child. Some relationships are destroyed because one of the spouses gets angry and begins to blame the child that was not their own for their miseries.
Each person has value. They need to know it.

Answer 4

This is not as complicated as it might appear. First and foremost, tell your husband that you'll support his decision, whatever it may be, but that if he chooses to raise his child, you'll love the child as your own and that you would never consider it any sort of burden. Then back off. If you force him to fight for the child and he wins, regardless of the financial costs, you might also be depriving the child's maternal grandparents of the chance to raise the child with their daughter. You also don't know how your husband's ex-wife will react, especially if she has the mind of a 13 year old. What if she hurts herself or the baby, or both, out of retaliation? How would your husband feel then? How would you feel? Possessing a child, even if you feel you could do better for it, is not as important as being a part of the child's life. The ex-wife's parents obviously are worried you'll try to get custody, so it's become a battle to be won. You'd do better to tell them that you don't want full custody, but that you do want to help with the baby and want the child to know that its father's side of the family loves it too. Make this work for you, your husband, the ex-wife and the ex-wife's parents and everyone will win, including, and more importantly, a child who will have two sets of grandparents, and plenty of love from all sides without feeling like the prize of a tug-of-war.

Answer 5

First of all you must be able to prove the mother unfit, extremely hard to do in the Family Court, you are very naive to think he will get custody unless she it incapable of looking after the child, be happy with the time you are able to spend with the child and try not to create trouble by saying something you may regret later, remember you are the outsider when it relates to the child and don't allow yourself to interfere even if you do think it best for the child. Family Courts are there to protect and not to be used as a battle field between two parents. If the child is in danger then that is something else all together.

Answer 6

This question is so wrong on so many levels, I hardly know where to begin.

First of all, who in the hell do you think you are, trying to force a man you're not even married to to claim a child he obviously doesn't want. Yeah, yeah, he said he's just concerned about your feelings. Bull! If he cared about the child, he would have been the one to suggest gaining custody, not you.

Secondly, who are you to judge that a mildly retarded girl is incapable of loving and properly caring for her own child with the help of her parents? I've known many thirteen year olds who would have made better parents than the adults around them. Besides, haven't you wondered why your fiancee got a mentally challenged girl pregnant?

You are not being noble in offering to raise his child, you are being superior. I can't believe all the people who've given you all the soppy, you're-such-a-good-person answers you're seeking.

Mind your own business and don't destroy a child's life by making it the prize in a battle.

Answer 7

Follow your heart its the best thing, sounds like you would be nicer parents than who the baby's mother..She is unstable, but all that been said she is the mother and the mum and baby have every right to see each other should you get coustody. But dont push your husband he is really in the "middle" of it all. Let him know how you feel and leave it up to him! Be a supporting wife that he needs, he needs you right now to just say i love you and im right beside you in what ever you want to do!

Answer 8

He really needs to make the decision. He has a legal right to to share custody and or have visitaiton and must pay child support regardless of the specific details.

Answer 9

Go for it. But you should talk about it first. He has a right to live with that child. So, if her mind is of a teenager is her mind "undeveloped"? If you could say that, talk to child services (or whatever it is) and speak with them about your situation. If you can't get full custody go for joint. Good luck.

Answer 10

A word of advice.....don't push him to do what he feels he doesn't want to do. Fighting for the child will take thousands upon thousands of dollars and this may be one of the many reasons that he does not want to fight for the child. I believe that if you tell him how you feel that is sufficient.