What do I say to my 3 year old who saw too much?

Question

Here’s the short background: 9 mos ago my husband attacked me in front of our little girl – he just went nuts and came at me, shoved me into her (she’s 3) and was swinging. I ducked several times and he didn’t actually hit me, though standing behind me and seeing it, she thinks he did. I was obviously very upset, crying and trying to leave. He held the door, I had to beg and struggled to open the door, he held it, but finally let me out. She screamed all the way to the Sheriff’s office for Daddy not to hurt Mommy. I left and haven’t been back. He wouldn’t go to counseling, so I filed for divorce. I only see him in very public places like the mall.

I DO NOT SPEAK BADLY OF HER FATHER TO / AROUND HER. NOR DO I TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY UNLESS SHE BRINGS IT UP.

Tonight, she was angry with me and tried to hit me. I, as usual, put her in time-out.. when it was time to get out, I told her it is not okay to hit, we use our words and told her she should say she is sorry. She said, Well, Daddy hit you and you cried so bad. (Remember – this happened 9 months ago!) I sat down and put her on my lap and said, what daddy did that day was a wrong choice - I know, he shouldn’t have tried to hurt mommy, she said, are you going to live somewhere else? I said what do you mean? She said, when daddy hurt you we don’t live in the red house anymore, mommy I don’t want you to go …. And then I was at a total loss.. I don’t know what to say… How do I explain to her why I couldn’t stay with Daddy and his refusal for counseling? Or explain to her what happened that awful day without saying bad things about her dad? Or lie and say that Daddy won’t hurt Mommy – because to be honest, I don’t know if he’ll try again or not… What do I say?

Answer 1

This is a child with a memory of an event that is not going to leave her. You need to find a good counsellor for you both to attend. If you go into too much information she could become overwhelmed and have even more post-traumatic problems than she does now.
What she was saying to you is that you left her Daddy when he hit you are you going to leave me because I hit you? It had nothing to do with you leaving her father it was all about you leaving her.
I think you are 'over' focusing on why you left her father not her. That iswhy I recommend you go into counselling so you can seperate events from that night. You are experiencing post-traumatic stress from that night and you need to have professional help to make sense of a non-sense event.
Good luck to you and your little girl for the future. Men like your daughter's father have no idea or concept of the damage they do through their violent behaviour.

Answer 2

This is coming from a person who was abused and witnessed similar abuse by her father as well. I don't think there is a perfect solution for this but you need to think as simple as your daughter is thinking. What she experiences is what she will know. By seeing that she probably thought it's okay so you have to be consistent in teaching her hitting and being mean is NEVER ALLOWED. You need to earn her respect as well though, talk to her like shes an adult. Don't try to sugarcoat everything. Believe me, she may be three but she's not a moron. She'll understand you. Explain the situation but not too in detail. Just Daddy was mean to Mommy and it was unnecessary and it won't happen again. Mommy would NEVER do that to you and Daddy won't be hurting either of us again. You are not just her mother, you are her world, her protector and her understanding. All you should really focus on is being there for her, giving her all the love and affection you can give and more, and talking to her. One last thing, Please reassure her that it is not her fault. It's even stated in books but from personal experience, children will think it's their fault somehow or someway. Good Luck.

Answer 3

A child's worst fear is abandonment. She's lost her Dad (because of HIS bad actions). I'm sure she worried that she'll lose you. Tell her clearly that you will never leave her. Use this time to reassure her that you two are together no matter what.

I'm sure that incident is something she'll remember forever. I'm sorry. Thank God you got away and that will never happen again.

I agree, you can't speak to her about adult issues about counciling and the reasons for the divorce. You clearly have to stand by your words that it's not right for people to hit people. That's why you had to go to the Sheriff's Station so that they could help you.

I guess you still can say that it's was wrong that he hit you. She's obviously going to know that because he's not there anymore.

Make sure that you only answer the questions that she asks and make them very short answers. "We aren't going to live with Daddy anymore", "It's wrong to hit people" "I will never leave you"

Did she think because she hit you, that she too would have to go away? Again, reassure that will never happen.

I think you shouldn't even hint that it's possible that Daddy could come back to hit you again. Be resolute "Daddy won't be living with us anymore". If she misses him, then let her know when she will see him again. If she won't, then let her know that she won't be seeing him anymore.

Answer 4

Wow, you're such a smart person and you are taking so many good choices one after the other. Even the way you are talking to your child is GREAT. What you should tell her is that you are not going to leave her, EVER and that you are always going to love her no matter what, and that is why you are trying to show her not to hit or say bad things because it is not good for when she grows up. Tell her that way she can be like YOU! when she grows up. Also tell her that her daddy is not very happy with himself right now and that is why he gets mad like that, tell her he is a good person but he is just not aware of what he is doing. Tell her daddy will always love her too, but let her know not everybody is perfect and we have problems, that you were trying to solve a problem with her daddy but he wouldn't listen and tried to hurt you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love her and that doesn't mean you're going to leave her.

Answer 5

I'm really sorry to hear what you and your daughter went through. It seems your already doing a good job in consoling her and not talking bad of him in front of her. You have already been getting some great advice from your answers,so, I don't feel that I need to add much to that. Just to say that you are doing really well and you seem like a very Strong level headed woman. Keep strong, and explain more as she gets older. Do remember that she will never, ever forget what she saw, it will just fade with time. Pray to the Lord and ask for guidance. That is the best advice me or anyone can give you. Good luck and God bless you and your daughter.

Answer 6

Having a 3 yo myself, I'll tell you that they are very, very quick to catch on. So the only advice I can give you is to be honest with her. Don't indulge to much of you own opinion into it, but be truthful. Let her know that you left so that daddy wouldn't hurt mommy or her. Let her know that you love her and that you left because it was wrong for daddy to hit mommy, and explain to her why it is wrong to hit. Just be honest with her as much as you can. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 7

I feel you did the right thing in leave. When you explain to her what happen just reassure her that daddy loves you but he has a problem with his temper and needs help. Then you want to make sure she understands that what he did is wrong and teach her that she must be strong by not going back so if this should happen to her (God forbid I hope it never does) but if it did you want her to leave the situation and not stay because unfortunately a lot of women stay and continue to be abused

Answer 8

You did the right thing by filing for divorce. I'm happy to hear that you were strong enough to do that.

As for the child, that makes things difficult. Just tell her the truth, and say that the two of you have some problems that need to be worked out, and what he did was completely wrong, and you're trying to make things better so it doesn't happen again. You don't have to go into details, and it is best actually, to seek the help of a counselor anyways, at least to help explain things to your child better about the divorce.

Good luck with things, I hope they get better for you and your daughter.

Answer 9

I'm sorry for all that.
well, a friend of mine has the same situation- about to get divorced. She explained it to her little girl by reminding her the differences without any judgement, she told her: there are deep differences between me and papa, we think in different ways, and because of that we can't stay together so we've deicded to live separately, (and reminded some different ideas with no judgement) , of course it is improtant to let her know what is bad or good, but as soon as you judge, things will be opposite the way you want. as soon as you tell her her papa is bad, she will be more attracted to her, and if you tell her her papa was a good man then there will be contradictions in her mind about his bad deeds.
so try to be as honest as possible. children are much more logical that they seem. let her decide herself whether she likes what his dad does or not(this is VERY important although she is too little), and never prohibit her from meeting her father now and then after divorce.
Hope every thing goes on, the best way.
God bless you honey.

Answer 10

Just tell her the truth. She has already displayed that she has a good memory. Sounds like she can listen to reason. Say something like You & me are going to live in a new house now & Daddy can't come because he might hurt Mommy.