Am I incable of making it work?

Question

As much as I hate to admit it, Im slipping into my 2nd divorce. Right now I'm so emotionally drained from "trying", that I just feel hollow & cynical. How did we get here? I spent so much time alone self-analyzing myself after my 1st divorce. Ive tried so hard to not make the same mistakes. I'm not perfect, I know that. But I'm home every night, I try to always say, "I love you" & "good morning" & "good night". Im not abusive, I comprimise. I always have my wife's & step daughter's best intrests at heart in all my decisions. But each day it gets worse, we are more like roomates than lovers. We don't talk because I know she doesnt believe anything I say, her every complaint with "us", I try to rectify, but then it comes across as being "forced" to her. Right now I honestly feel Im not cut out for marriage, because I end up putting myself last & get nothing for it & I resent that. Im 35 & Im at a loss. Besides churches is there any free or low cost counseling? Its my last resort.

I sincerely appreciate all the sincere answers to my dilema, & while this is a tough forum to ask such a complex problem in with the "character limit" (arrgh!). To further represent who I am, in my "self-analyzing" one of the mistakesI vowed not to make was to put myself last, which is why when we were dating I made my intentions of moving out of state & continuing my education a prerequisite to wanting to be w/me. She knew exactly who she was getting. I could go on & on, but please dont think I dont stand up for myself, thats not a problem, I was just making sure you knew that Im not selfish, so that isnt one of the problems.
If I could wrap it up in a nutshell, it would be like we've hit a block wall, & neither is able to move past it, we've both put up our sheilds and each time Ive lowered mine, I end up getting burned, so now Im cold & cynical, she probably feels the same. But each attempt at working on it, she acts like I didnt really mean it, so Ive given up trying to talk.

Answer 1

You know, you could go to counseling, end up evaluating yourself to death and wind up no further that you are right now hon, or you can quit with the pity party, stop trying to make everything so perfect and start asking yourself what you want in life. And I mean really want. You can't go around in life living for everyone else. You can't keep biting your tongue and trying to fix everything to keep the peace either. Truth be told, that is probably what is driving her away. Women want men. Men who stick up for themselves, men who are assertive and not afraid to voice their opinions. They don't want someone to smooth things over, that's what girlfriends are for. They also don't want someone coming into their lives (especially a single mom) and changing the routine or the dynamics of the situation they are use to. On top of the self image issues you have, have you questioned what baggage she's brought to the table in all of this? Is she harboring things from her prior relationships? Where does the stepdaughter play a roll in all of this? Having a bonus daughter myself, I'm sure she has an opinion on everything. The issues you have honey are valid issues to question if you are marriage material. In all honesty, right now, with such low self esteem, I'd have to say no...marriage for you probably isn't a good thing and you are setting yourself up for heartache when you are looking for someone to make you happy. On the other side of that, this doesn't necessarily mean divorce is on the horizon either. You've noticed there is a problem, she notices there is a problem and if you two are truly committed, couples counseling would be the smart way to go. It would give you the tools you need to function in everyday life. To get back to that point where you were in love with each other again. marriage goes in stages. It's not all love and romance, believe it or not, it also takes work and fine tuning. And last but not least...it'll never be perfect...and that's a good thing. If we were all perfect, life would be boring.

Don't give up on this yet hon, talk to her about marriage counseling and your intentions. Tell her you've made some mistakes and you want things back to the way they use to be....when marriage was fun and being in love came as second nature with her. It can happen.

Answer 2

Have you had a job where you realize you've outgrown it? Well, relationships are often times like that as well. In the beginning, the person is perfect for you. However, as you both get older and go through different experiences, you grow and desire different things.

Either she has outgrown you or you've outgrown her. You want to stay because there was something there, but I think you should leave before you hate each other. Many monogamous relationships reach this plateau or flat line point but if both people aren't invested (and it seems like she's not anymore), chances are it won't go back to the way it was.

I know it's hard, but maybe you try too hard and don't truly understand the needs of your mate but think you do. Many men think they know their mate and believe they're trying everything they can while refusing to do the simple things a woman asks for, like being held at night or fixing something around the house. Try to look at your actions from her eyes. Has she ever asked you to do something that you just refuse to do? It may be one of the reasons she's lost interest.

Other than that, try to get some female friends who can honestly look at your situation and tell you how she would feel if you behaved a certain way, reacted a certain way or failed to do something in certain situations.

Answer 3

Many municipalities have low cost or subsidized counseling. Check your yellow pages, or if you have them, blue pages. If not, try google.

But remember that sometimes you get what you pay for. A counselor you pay for should be worth the investment if you do a little work on finding one with good references.

You need to stop putting yourself last. This could be part of your problem -- she wants someone who will stand up for himself a little bit.

Before you take that drastic step of divorce, take a step back. Instead of trying to "fix the marriage" try to take a look at YOUR life. From the tone of your writing, you are not happy. The best thing you can do is try to make yourself happy. Not something drastic like buying a sportscar and then not being able to buy groceries, but take some time out and do what you want to do for you.

Also, you say "besides churches" so I assume you either don't belong to a church, or don't trust the church you belong to.

I don't want to push religon, but if your issue is the second of the two, I would encourage you to try a different church. Often, it is the particular church that is the issue.

Answer 4

Oh, for Pete's sake...this is much to do about the wrong thing..get a grip here,dude. Stop with all this anaylizing, all this "trying to do this, that, " and start being your nasty old self! You just cannot be anyone else in life. You have read far too many women's magazines, evidently. You will find the minute you treat a woman as anything buy how you react, she will know it is hollow. So stop being hollow. You do not sound like an abusive soul. So why all this worry about how to treat your wife??? IT should be a flowing, easy thing with you and her. If you are guilty of anything, it is of making bad choices for mates. Instead of all this 'self analysis," why not analyze the traits in women you have been attracted to...it would seem that they are NOT what you need in life. Good luck

Answer 5

I don't think counseling or therapy is ever low cost, google your area.

Other than that you'll get my therapy, FREE of charge:

Go back to when you were first in the courtship stages, what made you both fall in love with each other? What kind of dates did you go on? Put the spark back in to your romantic life, get creative. Get a sex book or some toys & spice things up. Not only do 50% of all marriages fail, but 50% also fail because of "bedroom problems".

Take a weekend for a 2nd honeymoon, see if that helps. You don't have to spend a boatload, just go to an exciting area in your state & get a hotel room. OR hire an overnite babysitter on a Fri. nite & take her to a nice hotel for the nite.

Surprise her w/ flowers or dinner out. She's unhappy for some reason, you need to talk to her to figure it out.

if it doesn't work, just don't get married again. Personally I think marriage is just a piece of paper that is often meaningless. 2 people in love do not need to be "married". Humans aren't meant to be monogamous creatures.... but that's another 10pgs. right there.

Good luck to you

Answer 6

I really don't know of any counseling for marriages that are free or low cost. It sounds as if, and I know you don't want to hear this, but it sounds as if the train to divorce has already left the station. If she can't believe your words, there's a reason that has made her not believe you. If you feel you aren't cut out for marriage, maybe you aren't. I think you should get out now before you two become bitter and hateful toward each other. That's pretty much the next step.....

Answer 7

Try putting the horse before the cart. Self preservation is the first law of man. Quit putting people on pedestals and then you might not get hurt so much. Stand up and be strong stop being weak. Women like strong men who know how to take charge of a relationship.

Answer 8

My husband would tell you that the way to make a marriage work is by being an asshole. I am on my second marriage as well. My primary complaint is I feel he isn't intrested in me, because he doesn't want to listen to me. Unless the topic is sex, then he's very intrested. But as mother to his children, and copilot in our lives I feel he could be a better listener. He comes home every night, he doesnt drink alot. He is just self centered. That bugs me. I don't know if that helped at all, but the jest of what I am saying is " Do you listen to her? Really listen???? Not but in with solutions to her complaints or try to fix her problems as she shares them... Do you just listen ?"

Answer 9

counselling service from the church is just as good and prolly free, at least. You need to go with your wife for counselling before it's too late. Something could have already gone wrong recently that she or you have become detached

Answer 10

I had a problem that was nothing like this, what i found was, that if i just acted myself and was pure of heart i could have all of the pancakes. with as much jam as my little heart desired. Do you have many sisters? your probably a bit too in touch with the ol feminine side there. Maybe your a homosexual man living in the city, struggling to survive in a mans world.