Abusive husband, how do I let go permanently?

Question

Married almost 9 years, we're 34. We have a daughter 7 and a son who's 5. Together for 13 yrs. my husband is very emotionally and verbally abusive. Has choked me 3 times in the past. He calls me names, screams in my face( I can feel his spit), gives me the silent treatment, sleeps in the livingroom except when he wants sex or is not angry at me. He is like 2 different people. I have left 3 times and went back to him. He behaves this way in front of the kids. I get so lonely and scared when i leave( went over my mom's). I am looking for a job so I'll be independent. He brings home about $850 a week and spends plenty on ebay. He lost our house and now we live in a 2 bedroom apt. He won't even give me the key to the mailbox. He says he doesn't care about my feelings or opinions and calls me sorry, lazy, stupied, fat ***** and I am none of these. I can never please him no matter what. When I did everything he wants, he finds something new to fuss about. What am I to do? I made vows and I

tried to honor mine. I try not to let him get ot me but it still hurts so much and I feel like I don't even have a partner in life. When do you just give on on a marriage. He puts his family before me and they hate me and has interfered in this marriage from the beginning. I want to be happy but my therapist says he's not making me unhappy, I'll be unhappy wherever I go and she tells me not to leave him cause he's not the problem. I feel he'll love the next woman better and treat her right and I wonder what have I done to make him hate me so much but claim to love me?

Answer 1

I was a former counselor for abusive men who got caught. I say "was" because I began to realize that men who abuse their wives very, very, very rarely get better.

Think about this for a minute...
You have a son and daughter. You have to show them that what is happening between you and your husband is unacceptable. You have to get away from him and get them away as well. The main reason to leave is your kids.

You could learn to accept and deal with whatever he throws at you until you either kill him or he kills you.

But your children will learn from your actions.

If you leave, your daughter will see that she doesn't have to stay with someone who does her like your husband does you.

If you leave, your son will see that women will not put up with it and will be less likely to repeat the behavior his father has taught him.

And believe me, your son is the biggest concern in this because all abusive men learned their behavior from somewhere. And I'd put money on all of them that they learned it from their father.

Do what it takes to gain your financial independence. Gather your kids, get your friends and family in your corner, and divorce this idiot. If you have to, record his rage fits. Buy a digital voice recorder and hide it when you think he's going to go off. It might not be admissible in court but you will have the proof to bring those people who might be on the fence over to your side.

Answer 2

Yahoo!Answers is a good place for people to share their experiences, and you can sometimes get good advice. But in a situation like yours, maybe you should try to get some professional help and advice. The wrong advice here, or from someone who is not professionally trained in situations like yours, could get you hurt.

Call a minister, call a helpline, call a battered women's shelter, any of those can give you a chance to talk to someone about how you feel and what you are going through, and they can help direct you in the right direction.

Vows are just words. Everyone deserves happiness. Especially you and your children. People change in the course of a marriage. Some changes are due to outside influences (including money problems). You are not doing yourself or your children any favors by not trying to get some help. AND You are giving your children memories that you don't want them to have.

Answer 3

First off, get rid of your husband, save your children, and get a new therapist.

Go anyplace you feel safe. A shelter, a friend or family. Take the children with you. You do not know what else he is capible of.

IF he contacts you, tell him it's over and you do not wish to see him again. If he want's his to see his children, he has to go to court. After this, IF he continues to contact you or actually go to you or follow you, get a restraining order for you and your children.

As soon as he was abusive to you, he broke his vows. The moment you tired to be someone you weren't by taking his abuse, you broke your vows. The marriage is over and is not worth repairing. The children ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT. Your marriage and vows come second!! Do you really want you children to see this? One day they might take on that role. Instead, let them see a man doesn't get away with treating his wife like that, and that women doesn't take it. That's what they need to see!

This won't be easy. Not even close to easy. It WILL be the hardest thing to do, but just do it. It will take years to get over, but you deserve better. Your children, especially, deserve better.

Answer 4

Who cares about the vows? He's lowering your self esteem and health. He is an endangerment to your kids too! They probably are already reaping from the situation in the worst way. You don't want your son to be abusive to his wife do you? Or your daughter find some loser like him? You need to set an example for your children and yourself. You can leave him and stay away. Forget he ever existed. Get your stuff, kids, and head to someone's house that will help you until you can support you and your children on your own.

Answer 5

I'm sorry you are going through this no one deserves abuse i read you question and i saw the things that he has done i saw this monster for what he is but i didn't see the other abuser describe herself what about you You are abusing yourself and your children face the woman in the mirror you want sympathy stop crying and take action begin a plan to move get independent talk to him if he doesn't want to hear your concerns and get counseling cancel that contract on paper of a so called marriage you are not married you are in bondage i stayed in a relationship of abuse for 2 years because i thought i was in love i was in love with a monster and i got the hell out hell or high water i wasn't going to let anyone abuse me anymore save you some money when hes not there pack a few clothes hide them in the Attic or have a friend come and get them clean his *** out get a safe haven and run run run for your life or be in hell for the rest of your life telling this story to people who will listen but are saying up under their breathe she ain't going no where ill be praying for your strength if you cant do it for you do it for your children don't mess up their lives if you stay you don't give a dam about you and especially your baby's your an abuser tooo if you stay good luck

Answer 6

I completely understand.

He broke his vows a long time ago - I hope you can see that. Remember the whole 'love, honor and cherish' part.

He has totally disrespected you and your kids. It's not fair to you or your kids to have to live in that kind of environment. He is failing as a husband and a father.


Not sure what type of resources you have available to you but you need to get out of there as soon as possible.

I would find a new therapist too!

Answer 7

Lady, you have problems.Please be aware that in this type of relationship that the two people involved are actually in a devilish partnership where one is the victim and the other is the victimizer.You can only help yoursef by changing your self image and stop being the victim.Obviously this is easier said than done but done it must be if you are to get out of this situation. Remember that no one can walk over you unless you let them.

Answer 8

You made vows to love, honor and cherish. This is not happening. You are not in a marriage nor relationship: he is holding you hostage. He may kill you. Your children will grow up learning to be like him. Has he beaten the kids yet? Get out now, at least for the kids' sake; you should be concerned about your own SAFETY - forget about the vows. To stay in this marriage may be suicide, and God does not forgive suicides, nor permitting children to suffer.

Answer 9

It's not going to get any better! You have got to love yourself and your children enough to get them out of that unhealthy environment. Look up battered women's helplines or facilities in your area. I had a friend in a similar situation. She called the helpline and they picked her and her two children up. Within a month she had her own place, clothes and food for the children and a job. The agency helped her with counseling and everything. Now she is going back to school to get her degree. It is a difficult decision and very scary but you have to be brave and do it. He needs to get help on his own, he has issues not you. Your children need you to help yourself and them.

Answer 10

Sounds like he is bi-polar.

This is not a good situation for you or the kids. If you continue in this relationship your kids will either turn out just like him or marry someone just like him because they think this is normal.

A great website you should go to is: womansavers.com

It is a website for abused women, women who want to help others. There is a great wealth of information and advice there.

Good luck.