How do you convert a nearly 4 year old after 2 deaths in the family?

Question

In 2003 I had my daughter. I was only 16. My grandmother took over my responsability so I could make my dreams come true. Of course grandparents spoil their grandchildren. I am now almost 21 and I am 36 weeks pregnant. I am trying to break my daughter of her sippy cup. It breaks my heart because she has been through so much. In January of this year she lost her Great-Uncle. He was her idol, her friend, her hero, and her life. That caused so much to happen to her. Then to follow, she lost her Great-Grandmother whom raised her, on May 13th. BAD DAY!!! I am a single mother and trying to figure out how I am going to have a c-section and 2 kids to take care of on my own. Right, that is my problem but that is why I am asking. She does not want to listen and acts horriable. Death is a cause I do understand. I have nobody to help me at all. Any suggestions on what I might be able to do to help her? What would you do if this was your child who lost 2 loved ones so close togather? Thank you.

Answer 1

Try to be calm and happy when you're around her to reassure her, and it will end up making you feel better too.

Let her have her sippy cup, and even get her a stuffed animal or two to name after her missing relatives and hug now and then when she feels lonely for them. Try to find ways to avoid disciplinary scenes and conflict--help her clean up instead of 'telling' her to do it, for example--so that she feels that you two are in this together, because you are!

Good luck!

Answer 2

First, leave her sippy cup alone! This is not the time to take away anything that gives her comfort. Four year olds find death really confusing. They often think that something they did caused it and they also think that they should be able to bring the person back. She's probably afraid that you may abandon her too. No wonder she's acting up.
She needs to hear from you that she is loved. She needs to be able to talk about her family that died. If she talks about them coming back she needs a gentle reminder that that can't happen. She's angry. sad and confused so cut her some slack.
Ask your local hospital if there is a hospice group around that does grieving support groups for kids. Those folks are usually fantastic at helping kids work it through the death of a loved one. Your library may have a selection of books for kids her age on the subject.
The best gift you can give her is time. It sounds like you are in for a rough few weeks but please try to find a way to give her that time.

Answer 3

Let her keep her sippy cup for as long as she wants it. You should try to get some help from somewhere -- you should not have to handle two children completely on your own all the time. You will wear yourself out and get exhausted and then you will not be good for your kids. Try looking to your local church sor support groups or assistance or any other places near you that might have suggestions for where to turn. You and your daughter are in the process of grieving and you both need time. Also the birth of a baby is very stressful and even though it is hopefully a postive thing, it is still very high in stress. You need to be good to yourself and give yourself a hug and give your child a little extra attention now while you can before the baby is born. Don't worry about her being spoiled or changing her habits or any of that stuff now because it will all change once the baby comes anyway. She needs to be reassured, a lot, that you are ot going to leave her (die) because that's what children thinkm when someone close to them dies -- they also think that it ws their fault. It is just a natural thing that human children assume; if someone died, it must have been because I did something wrong and caused it. Children really think they are the center of the world (it's developmentally appropriate for them to think that when they are 4 yrs old) and therefore they think everything is their fault. There are some goo9d books to read to your child about death -- the one I can think of right now is called, "Dog Heaven," -- it's about dogs but, it's all the same. There's also one called "I Will Alwyays Love You," and that's good too. Good luck to you and please find some help because you deserve it and you need it.

Answer 4

Let me start by saying I'm sorry for your loss, and that you have to go through this. There are programs out there for people like you, and you should take advantage of any help that is being offered. Now, about your little girl. She may only be 4, but kids understand more than we give them credit for. First, sit her down, and explain the situation as best you can to her. Tell her that her loved ones are looking down on her from heaven, and that her grandma would want you guys to love each other and help each other out, not to mention get along. Tell her that you guys are a team, and that right now, you need her to be a big girl. It may not work at first, so expect that. When she acts up, you put her in a time out. She goes to her room, no t.v., no toys, no nothing, she just lays in bed until she calms down. When she does, you tell her what she did wrong, and why she was put in time out. This will take time, and lots of repitition. Don't give up easily. If it takes alot out of you, and it will, while she is in her room, step outside for a sec., take a deep breath, cry, whatever, but compose yourself, and get back inside, so that she knows that you mean business. About the sippy cups, get rid of what you have. Put it in storage, give them to someone else with kids, get rid of them. Get her plastic cups; you can get them cheap at any dollar store, or Wal-Mart. The prettier the color, and the cuter the design, the more she will want to use it. This will be hard to, but she will adjust. I really hope this helps, and if there is anything else you need, please let me know.

Answer 5

First of all- there is no reason to take away her sippy cup. More than anything she needs things that comfort her. Blankests,Sheets, toys.

She is capable of listening. Sit down with her at eye level. Tell her that it is ok to cry sometimes. Tell her that you love her and that the two of you need to be brave during this difficult time You might get her some counseling.

Ask her to sit down and draw a picturee for those she lost. make her feel like they are still part of her life. Take her hand and blow on it and tell her that is what a person;s spirit is like, You can't see it, but you can feel it and that death happens to everyone. Your new baby will be an example of how life starts and how a person ages, then they go to God and that we will all do that. I have a feeling living with all adults she is smarter than you realize. I hope she feels connected to you. Give her extra attention. Be sure and look her in the eyes.
When she isn't mad or crying sit down with her. maybe even rock her.. Give her all the comfort you can giv her. And at times ask her to hold you when you feel sad. Ask her if she wants pictures up of them. if she wants that then let her. Try and get her to make some new friends.

She probably doesn't listen to you because you are sending off unsaid tensions. She can feel your tension so she acts out the pressure by being naughty.

Make some ways so that something else is in charge and not you. Make a schedual with her. For instance you set a timer whith when it goes off she needs to finish being dressed. Set the timer for things she needs to do. Maybe even give her stars or stickers to put up when she co operates.
Right now she gets attention when she crys and disobeys you. Try and turn things positive. Speak to her with a gentle quiet voice. Look at her in her eyes.

You set the tone whether she fallows it or not.
She is just 4 years old, She need to feel secure and not fear who will leave her next. She needs some extra love and attention. Make her feel like part of things...like....."we need to go to the store, can you name some things we could make for dinner" Then when you are at the store ask her to help you find things. She needs to feel needed and you can help her feel that way.

Answer 6

Spend time with her , Let her know your there for her,do things with her, talk to her , read to her,,and is it really all that important for you to take her sippy cup away. As to the other, well, you do what you have to do, find a sitter, for when your in the hospital, arrange things in such a way that there is the least amount of moving around for when you come home . And hopefully there will be friends to help out till your body heals. It's not easy, and death is hard to deal with. But, you can do it.

Answer 7

I am not sure when you began being more active in your daughter's life, but it could possibly have something to do with her actions just as much as losing other family. I think that I would giver her a break and let her have the sip-pee, keep offering her regular cups, one day she will more than likely just start using it. Pushing children to do something they are not ready for, only makes them want to rebel more, that is true no matter if it is a child with a sip pee cup, or a child at 16 having another child.

Answer 8

I think you need to start her off with something fun... a straw. Juice and a silly straw always does the trick. Let her see how fun a silly straw can be and when she starts to like it, buy her one of the spill-free straw cups.

Sit down with her and talk; that way you know how she feels and what's going on in her head. She might need you to explain to her what the process of life is and the fact that people do die. When reality hits it hits hard especially with kids. Sometimes when so many things are going on in life, one may get confused. Don't let her draw conclusions on anything. Fill her in on what's going on and tell her how you feel.

Answer 9

she needs to feel secure lots of cuddles and don't take the cup yet she doe's not need anymore loss right now,wait till she seems more settled.try to invole her a lot with the new baby let her help look after the baby she may not do it right or fast but it will help her bond and not feel left out.i'm sorry for your losses.best off luck one day at a time.