How can I repair and rebuild our relationship after I have treated him horribly for several years?

Question

I have been with my husband for the past 12 years (married for the last 5). I have treated him like crap, told him that I hate him, withheld sex & pushed him away. I don't know why I did this because I truly love him with all my heart & always have. I think that my feelings for him were (and still are) so strong that I was afraid of them & that he didn't feel the same way. Everything I have said & done has come out wrong - when I wanted to just hug him & tell him I love him I just said something hateful & complained about little things that didn't matter. I stupidly thought that deep down he knew I really loved him but now he thinks I hate him because of how I have treated him. Now he has left me & says that he feels nothing, that I destroyed anything he felt for me. I have known for a while that things were not right but I didnt know how to turn it around. I need to know how to make him see that I love him & want us to have the kind of good marriage we should have had all along.

Answer 1

My only advice is that you show him this question you posted on Yahoo Answers. If he still loves you, he will come back to you but these things take time. If he does not return you must tell him that you understand why and from the bottom of your heart you have to accept whatever the outcome is. If the outcome is good, then never repeat past offenses. If the outcome is bad, then never repeat past offenses.

Answer 2

What happened there honey is you took a good man for granted, it happens all the time. You cant just assume that your man knows you care, you have to know that you are shoeing him your feelings for him. It sounds to me like you have been doing nothing but hurting him for 5 years and now he finally caught on that he cant please you and he is finally trying to move on. Don't chase him if all you are going to do is hurt him for another 5 years. If you knew it was going wrong before you should have done something then, not waited until after he left. But they always say you never know what you had until it is gone and your going through that now. Don't hurt him anymore, find someone else and let him find someone that will treat him right.

Good Luck though hun ok, I wasn't trying to be mean just telling you what I honestly think it would do no good for me to sit here and lie to you. Just use this as a lesson and if you to do get back together by some chance just treat him right. That's all.

Answer 3

I'm going through the same exact thing. The only difference is my brother is 30, and has only been at my house for 4 months. He came over to stay after finding my elderly uncle deceased when he went to take him breakfast. My brother and my uncle both lived with my parents. My parents were my elderly uncle's caregiver. At first, it was fine and I understood that my brother wanted to be in a different space, but now he has completely moved in and made a copy of my daughter's key to my house without my permission. I think that I've allowed so much because he has been having a hard time with other issues in addition to this. However, things have been looking up for him. He has a better job and kept his part time job. He does have to depend on others for transportation to an d from work. We live in an area that does not have trains along with unreliable transit bus service, and awfully expensive cabs. At this point that is neither here nor there. I am married with three kids to which one is my 25 year old daughter, which pays to help me out and her situation at home is truly temporarily. It's becoming a strain and very stressful because I don't want my brother angry. I love hime very much, but My husband and I need our space. We don;t want any money, I just want him to grow up and move out.

Answer 4

First tell him exactly what you said here. Then tell him to give you one month to show you can change and be a loving wife. For that month start at being utterly submissive and as sexually exciting as you can possibly be. Wear lingerie all day long and eagerly agree to anything that doesn't involve groups. Towards him only, be what you would normally consider an absolute and total slut. That’s the extreme to prove your point. Now as the month continues, reasonably talk to him while always keeping your temper firmly in check about how he would like to moderate your extreme back towards normal. You can think of this as a penance or as a game. Game would be healthier. In either case he should see that you’re serious and you love him. That’s the goal.
You have spent years emasculating him so now you have to work overtime to prove to him that you consider him a man. For a little less then a month be his absolute slave. If you can’t stomach that then your pride is worth more to you then your man is and I guess you keep the pride and lose the man.

Added: All of this assumes he will give you one more chance at all if he won't then give up hun you lost that one.

Answer 5

Wow, this is a page out of my life...only this situation went on in my marriage for more than 20 years. Here's a HPOV (husband's point of view):

Your success in repairing and rebuilding starts with you. Just because you have panicked at the thought of losing your husband-door-mat, doesn't mean you have changed. My guess is that if he came back now, you'd go back to your programmed ways within a few months, if not sooner.

There is something basically messed up with your ability to manage intimacy. It may have to do with your family history. It may have to do with self-image. It may be an ego problem (less likely in women than in men, but still possible). It may have to do with an errant sense of competition. Who knows? Well, you do, but you probably haven't got the foggiest idea where to start the repair job.

Face the fact that you have probably lost your husband. That's the first step. If you have treated him as badly as you admit, most men with any self-respect won't tolerate what you've dished out over the years. Of course, he may be hopelessly in love with you (poor guy), and if that's the case, you might still have a chance. But, whatever the case, don't beg him to come back any more until you get your head screwed on correctly.

You're going to have to do some serious and perhaps long term self-examination with the help of a trained and competent therapist. Don't just settle for whatever pops up in the yellow pages, although if all else fails, that's not a bad place to start. Ask around among trusted friends and if you don't relate to the first counselor, try, try again. You are on a quest - not a mere adjustment or fine tuning.

My wife and I went through this and the counselor we worked with was terrific. She helped my wife and then me to develop strategies for coping with each others deficiencies and strengths. In the end, we got back together and are doing very well. However, there are some things we both just have to live with or it would all come apart again. (Yes, I'm hopelessly in love with her...darn it. And, yes, I did it for the kids and the grandkids...and, it's worth it.)

The counselor wisely kept us separated until we got our own act together, and then started couple counseling. It wouldn't have worked any other way, I don't think.

Hope that helps. You've got a lot of hard work ahead of you if you really want to keep your marriage from falling apart. In truth, it might be too late for that. But, even if it is, if you don't want to relive this same experience over and over in your future relationships - marital or otherwise - you need to get going TODAY.

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 6

Sounds like to need a total attitude adjustment, hon. Get into a few sessions of counseling.... there is nothing more wonderful than to know how to get issues on the table without rage and resentment, nor trouncing on someone's ego. Best money you will EVER spend.

Answer 7

Wow, what did you expect? That he would just take all your abuse and never leave? You need counseling for abusive spouses. Maybe they could give you some pointers on how to repair the damage you have done. You may not be able to ever repair it, especially if it has gone on for 12 miserable years.

Answer 8

You can only beat a dog so many times before they turn and bite. Sounds like you've been bitten. My best guess for you is to get some counciling and show him that you really want to change and start over slowly, as he will definately be scared in handing his heart over to you again.

Answer 9

You picked a bad time to grow up. Don't ruin your next relationship, but this one is gone. He obviously has lost all confidence that you'll be different if he decided to come back. "You don't know what you've got, till it's gone." -True Story.

At least you understand you're wrong and your next relationship won't be as disasterous as the last. Good luck.

Answer 10

sounds like you burned your bridge.... possibly you were taking out unhappiness with yourself out on him. I'm not sure that you can make him see that you do care about him. You can only beat your head on a brick wall for so long before it starts to hurt......