Should I tell my wife about my fantasy of sharing a woman with her?

Question

My wife has told me that she had a lot of bisexual feelings when she was younger and even experimented with other girls. She still occasionally comments on how a female friend, actress, or colleague is sexy. However, she has said that she is not willing to bring another person into our relationship, although has never explained or qualified the statement.
But I have these crazy strong fantasies, like the two of us picking up a girl at a bar and tag-teaming her or inviting a single female house guest to sleep in our bed with us. Ocassionally, she asks me what my fantasies are, and I tell her nothing -- that I'm happy with our sex life (generally, I am) -- or I make something up because I'm afraid how she would react. She has told me, "Fantasies are called that because they're not real." But even if I told her that I would never act on my lust for another woman, is it a mistake to admit that I fantasize about it? She might take it as a reason to distrust me.

Answer 1

The answer really depends on two things:

First, how open is your relationship? There are lots of couples who openly discuss their fantasies but as you are asking if you "should" tell her this one, it sounds like yours isn't like that. If the two of you are the kind of people who openly discuss your sexual fantasies (which I think is perfectly healthy and good for a relationship) without making judgements, then sure, go ahead.

Second, and perhaps more important, is WHY you want to tell her. As I said above, if you routinely discuss your fantasies it's something that I assume you would have already talked about. If you don't, then what would be the purpose of your telling her this one in particular?

If you're hoping against hope that (because of what she's said about her feelings "when she was younger") she might say "okay baby, let's go find us another girl", then this is something you want for YOU and not for you as a couple. In that case, shut it down. Just because she currently has an appreciation for other women being sexy doesn't mean she's looking to jump into bed with a third party.

At any rate, fantasies ARE and should be just that: FANTASY. Often those who attempt to take them out of the mental realm and into the real world find that they just end up causing confusion, being a disappointment after all, and messing up the good thing they already have.

A lot to consider. Good luck.

Answer 2

You should most definitely, NOT tell her. If she has said that she is not willing to bring in another person to your marriage, she is showing respect to you and your marriage. Just because she felt that way before she met you, doesn't mean that she should just do it now because the thought makes you hot. Show some respect for your wife and realize that you chose her... not anyone else to share your marriage bed with.
If you really want a threesome, then that would mean that sex was more important than your marriage and you shouldn't be married anyway. Love, honor and respect should come before sex. I would take it as a reason to distrust you if I were her.

Answer 3

You know I think she just might be throwing a hint to you. You could suggest to her that she could or the both of you maybe search out another woman for a one night Not just a bar pick up, who knows what you might get from there. Try running a personal add on the net. Or someone she might know. Let her know that she can do the choosing, if you choose then she will feel rejected. But tell her that you have thought about it before doing just that. But have her understand that it would be just something new for the both of you. Maybe she already knows who she would like to share with you. But most important, get the instructions from her on who does what, you wouldn't want to go after the other woman in a way you wife wouldn't want you too. Be very careful. Good luck.

Answer 4

First and foremost, fantasies should remain just that.

Sharing fantasies is an important part of an intimate relationship. When she asks you about yours, tell her. For cripesakes don't tell her what you imagine yourself doing with the other woman. Tell what you imagine the two of them doing to each other, most likely she wants to know if you're ok with her bi history. Let her tell you what the other woman would do to you(and she probably will), keeps you out of trouble. Back in the day when my wife enjoyed sex, this would really get her going.

Answer 5

She might also see it as a reason to trust you even more. Being open and honest about fantasies is part of what marriage is about. Open up, share your thoughts with her. Certainly let her know that you are grounded in reality and that would never act on it. I agree that most fantasy should remain pure fantasy. The reality is never as great as the imagination. The cool thing about being open is that you can use this fantasy to enhance and fuel your sex life with your wife. I love it when my husband describes a fantasy, in detail during foreplay...HUGE turn on. For me, the turn on isn't the fantasy itself(well..sometimes it is), it's the fact that he felt comfortable enough to share his innermost thoughts with me... That alone makes me trust him more than any other person on the planet! Good luck :)

Answer 6

What's wrong with these people? You're asking if you should tell her the fantasy, not asking to bring another woman in the bedroom, right? She clearly understands what a fantasy is, so i don't see what the problem is in sharing it. My husband and i talk about that stuff all the time, and i think it makes our sex life better...it hasn't made me insecure or mistrustful of him. If you have a strong relationship, i don't see what the problem is in telling her.

Answer 7

I would advise you to get a hobby and stop thinking so much about this. Most men fantasize about two women at once but very few follow through with it. Your wife is right, it's only a fantasy, it's not real.

Regardless, there is a chance to mess things up with your wife by bringing someone else into your bedroom. Women are very emotional and this may hurt her.

And, for peet's sake, if you are fantasizing about her friends, stop. Respect their friendship and leave it alone. There is no reason for you to be thinking about her friends in that way. They are her friends and you shouldn't want to take that away from her. Relationships are hard enough.

Answer 8

I'm a bisexual female and I'm about to marry a very old fashioned kinda guy...he not only believes in one woman - one man but he hates the thought of two women together (it disgusts him!) he respects my being bisexual and is very understanding when I say I miss being with other women...I have even asked him how he felt about a three-some and while he was respecting of me and my fantasies of enjoying him as well as another woman at the same time he needed me to be respectful of his feelings as well...he believes in one man - one woman and that's that I'm not going to force him into a three some...honestly...even if he said he'd like to have a three some as well I'd need to be in the right mental state before we could...right now I'm insecure and I have jealous feelings for no reason...a lot of women do and some tell their partners and others they're partners will never know...it would destroy me to think that he could be aroused by another woman (even though I know that he is on a daily basis when we watch porn or something of the like) it is different to know in your heart that your man could have sex with someone else even though he won't-he could- than it is to know in your head a fact like that...your heart can bury it deep down inside but your head...your head will scream the ugly true facts until you're miserable and start to tear away at a good relationship

if you do tell her : make her feel secure that you don't want another woman...you just like the idea of seeing your wife with another woman and that to share that sexual experience with your wife you feel would bring you closer to and have a more satisfying sex life for her (and for you because you know she'd be happy)...also assure her that you're not pushing for this to happen, you understand she is not interested but like she says "fantasies are not real" you can't control what you fantasize about and you shouldn't feel guilty for them : she should take it as a compliment on your trust in her that you feel you can open up to her with such touchy information

ps...I agree full heartedly with catria 1953 two answers above me...if your wife is cool with it, then follow catria's advice on how to handle it so as not to hurt her in the process of fulfilling your fantasies

Answer 9

Why in the world would you want to open up that can of worms?? You already know she is not interested in a threesome. Ask and you will start world war one. Keep dreaming! :) If you are constantly thinking about taking an std home from the bar... then maybe one day you will end up cheating on her. Obviously she is not good enough or you wouldn't be asking this knowing how she feels. Good luck!

Answer 10

There is nothing wrong with sharing your feelings with your wife. She has already told you about her past history. Why not ask her first if she has any sexual fantasies? Be a good listener. She might just open up the conversation and then you could add yours.