Daughter's Privacy?

Question

Would love answers from all age groups so please state your age and # of children. I have a myspace page and so does my daughter, I went to go read her page today and she covered the screen and said, "why do YOU have to read it?!?" She has always been like this and I assumed it was because she has something to hide that she is embarrassed about. BUT she knows that I already know about her, and after I read it, THERE WAS NOTHING to hide, and all she said was that she was embarrassed about cursing and that's why!!! I already know about that and way way more so what is the problem? Why does she post something for EVERYONE TO READ but then doesn't want ME to read it? SHE has always been like this....it's like she doesn't want to share her life with me. :( I already know how teens are and I wouldn't be shocked about anything and she knows that! She also KNOWS that she wouldn't get "in trouble" for anything. Question for adults: Talk to me about how much privacy you think a teen should have.

Additional Details

11 hours ago
She added me as a friend to her myspace page, I was on MY myspace page and went to her page from mine. I was not keeping tabs on her or snooping. She is 17 and I'm transitioning into the "friend" instead of "parent" stage....but she wants me to be EVEN LESS than a friend. I'm very hurt by this but she has been this way for a long time. Another question: Why is it that as a parent you are expected to totally support your older teen and they only use you for what you can give them and then don't want to spend time with you or involve you in their life? Should you make them spend time with you? <---I listened to the advice of an expert and he said yes you should, but I have serious doubts.
Last week, by accident I caught her cheating on her boyfriend. Then when I told her that it was wrong, she asks me, "Why do you care?!?" In other words, "BUTT OUT!" Should we as parents butt out? and does the child really mean this, because if I did butt out, then I'd be accused of not caring.

Answer 1

The words that got me in this lengthy tale were "I'm transitioning into the friend stage". You are the mother and no matter how "friendly" you are with your daughter you will always be the mother. At 17 she needs a mother and she will always need a mother. I'm 60 and raised 2 boys and one foster daughter and have 3 grandchildren. Just the other day when I referred to my foster daughter as my friend, she said no you are my mother and that's the way I want it. She's 46 years old. She still needs a mother. That made me feel good.

Answer 2

Ok you want to be her friend but you think you can be her mom too? Nope sorry, doesn't work that way. These are diaries, and like a diary its private. Stay off her space.

You are not ever going to be her friend, and you shouldn't want to be, especially at such a young age. She needs you more than ever to be a mom, and the next 5-7 years while she becomes a woman, she needs to know exactly who and what you are. She won't be dependent like she has been, but what she will need from you, nurturing and support her growth into adulthood, is even more challenging than when she was a toddler.

You aren't "caring" about her when you butt into her private business and tell her what to do. That's not what a mom does. A mom raises a daughter up to have some self respect and to understand why cheating is no different than lying and how damaging that is to another person. Dishonesty is a character flaw. You can tell her and show her what your values are as a respectable woman, but you can't force her to not make mistakes. What you can do is let her make those mistakes and then suffer the consequences.

I am a mother of 24yr old twin daughters, both out of the house, both working full time (one works two jobs and owns her own home), both in full time grad school. Mine will be the first to tell that while I am fiercely supportive and love them with all my being, I am NOT their friend. I'm their mother, now and forever.

Answer 3

Well, if she lives in your house.....She doesn't have a job? These are your rules period! It's sad that we live in an age where teens control things.....You don't have to have a reason to go on her page. You just want to make sure noone is going to her page (or anyone is her friend that isn't suppose to be her friend) isn't being exposed. You've seen Dateline....all of those dirty old men that got caught in the houses and stuff. You just don't want that to happen to your child. I'm so glad I didn't grow up in the era because if I did I would have gotten into a lot of trouble.....There are parents that trust their children and give them their space and there are parents who don't trust there children and get into trouble. In certain cases you should trust them but that depends on what kind of relationship you have with your child to begin with. Just tell her (this is if you trust her) that it isn't her that you don't trust it's the people that are her "friends" on myspace is who you don't trust. I do have a myspace account and I just don't approve everyone I am very selective. Even from time to time if I go to their page and I don't like what I see and if I don't talk to them on a regular I will delete them. I don't owe them any explaination. I don't think you should "butt out" either. You have to get to the bottom of it? Why did she cheat on her boyfriend in the first place.......Maybe something happened and she doesn't know how to bring it up. Hope this helps.

Answer 4

Being the parent of a 17 year old is tough. You've done a good enough job to encourage her freedom, but she is not yet 18 (and living out of the house.) So what you say, goes! Reading over her shoulder is a bit "creepy," and lots of people have a problem with that. Call out when you are coming into her room, or something similar, to allow some distance to occur.

Kids, even before they are teens, do need privacy. This does not mean you aren't supposed to supervise their activity -especially on the Internet. Once she can support herself and live in her own place, then she has the right to "total privacy," meaning you don't get to read her computer emails or communications. Rude as it is, she can say "butt out," all she wants, but you are her MOTHER, and your decision is final.

As to being her friend, it's a popular thought, but in reality it's not good. You are her mother, you will always be her mother. She has friends to be her friend, and you to be her mother, that creates the healthiest relationships.

Answer 5

Hi! I am a teen myself. I turned 19 on April. All I have to say is don't worry. I am the same way, I don't have anything to hide from my mom, seriously, nothing at all, yet I don't want her to see my stuff, and I've been like that for years already. I love her with all my heart, it's just that I feel this need for privacy. Even if I consider my mom as my friend, I don't want her to be looking at my stuff. I don't even talk on the phone next to her because I feel a little weird. The thing is that the whole being friends with the parents is also kind of hard for the teens, not just for the parents. If you caught her cheating on her bf, I think that's bad, but it doesn't mean that she's a bad person. Sometimes we as teenagers make some mistakes just because we feel like we have to live many things in our lives. I did that when I was 15 and believe me, I would never do it again in my life. If my mom saw me, I would've reacted the same way your daughter did because I would feel very embarrased and I wouldn't know what to do. Just don't pressure her too much. Let her know that if she ever wants to talk to you about anything you're there to listen, but if she wants time for herself, you respect that too as long as she knows how to respect you. And when she said "why do you care" I'm sure that she didn't mean it. You should have a short talk to her about what happened. Like I said before, don't put too much pressure on her. Don't try to make her feel bad. Just tell her that you believe that she shouldn't have done what she did to her bf and answering to what she said you do care. You care because she is your daughter and you want your daughter to respect her partner so that she could demand respect as well. Tell her that how would she be able to be mad at her bf if he ever cheats on her if she does the same thing.
Good Luck.

Answer 6

im an 18 yr old girl. Be the parent, we will thank you for it later. Have a reasonable amount of concern because there are some creepy people out there.
On the other hand, she probably isn't hiding anything. I absolutely HATE it when my mom goes in my room or checks my phone record, but I do not have anything to hide! I just want some independance and privacy. I want my room to be the one thing that is just my little area. Your daughter might feel similarly. And if I am always questioned about everything, I feel like my parents do not trust me and I wonder what the point of trying to be so good is and it makes me want to rebel. So i think teens just need balance, which i do not envy parents for trying to find. Good luck.

Answer 7

It not the fact that she has anything bad on her page, or that she thinks she's going to get in trouble. It's just the fact that you read her page. I put my myspace profile private just so that my mother couldn't see it. My profile has nothing bad on it at all not even the slightest bit. But i put it private because I don't want her in my life any more than she already is. She doesn't need to be reading my stuff and seeing what's new in my life or anything. If I wanted her to know something I would just straight up tell her, but she doesn't need to know anything other than what I tell her myself. So maybe that's shows you something, anything, from a teenagers point of view.

Answer 8

You sound a caring parent, but think back to when you were her age. did you like your parents doing the same or similar things to you. Give her, her space and let her enjoy what she might call some freedom. this doesn't mean you turn your back on her, you can still be observant and watch over her. As for her cheating on her b/f, is that really any of your business. so she's attracted to another boy; to me that's good. As a kid( long ago) i had many g/f's, not that i was a player, but it was the normal thing for teenagers, it's called growing up.

Answer 9

I think your transitioning faster than your daughter, personally I feel such transitions should come when both are adults and share more simular life experiences...not at a time when you say your her friend and then play mother the next moment...and as far as commenting on her cheating....friend or parent, wrong is wrong and one should let her know its not acceptable behavior...cheat on bf...cheat on husband...not a good pattern to ignore.

Answer 10

k well first off im 13 years old and i have 0 children (otherwise that'd be kinda scary) but anyway im saying this for most teens me being one i no that sometimes parents check in on teens "social lives" cuz they care but teens dont like parents checking in on their social life cuz its just like there get away place from school, parents, and all other kinds of problems but when parents come into teens social lives they get upset cuz they feel like they cant be left alone with just their freinds and talk about teen stuff.