What do you think of this poem and PLEASE help me make this better!!!??

Question

The Sunset

Here they come
Its a fight in the sky
Slashes and cuts
They all start to die
Bright Red horses
And chariots of Gold
With men of Orange
There lives they sold
The darkness comes
Purple and Black
They come in fast
Ready to attack
They slash and slash
The horses Red as fire
Fall to the ground
Their flames grow no higher
The men of Orange
Who had sold their lives
Fall to the ground
To Purples knives
The chariots of Gold
Are lost in the night
The moon comes out
And marks the end of this fight

Answer 1

! Wow, this is an excellent starter! First of all I have to say OF COURSE it is poetry, just because it has no 'emotional' connotations... please. Don't ever listen to people who say that, they're narrow minded and rather uneducated in poetry, that much is evident.

Anyhow, I wouldn't alter too much; just cut out some of the more common words since you seem to go back and forth between a higher language and a somewhat immature one, with words like "its" and "there" instead of "it's" and "their".. also, lines like "Here they come" might be something like "It's begun;/A fight in the sky". And the line "They all start to die" might say "Slashes and cuts;/ Then they would die". Using things like semicolons and other punctuation can help to eliminate some words when you need to keep a relative rythm.

I really liek the line "Their flames grow no higher". See, that is very elegant wording.. you should try to reconstruct the rest of your poem to match that. The line "They come in fast" might simply be "Then riding fast" or etc.. And the line "They slash and slash".. you could add hyphens in such that "They slash -and slash-" would add to the rhythm and better portray the image of a battle scene.

Instead of "The horses Red as fire" You can simply say "The horses' Red fire" and use it in a term of possession..
Also one of the lines "Fall to the ground" might be altered so it is not directly repetetive. This kind of repetition doesn't work for your poem... and the last line is out of rhythm, if you wanted it that way it's alright but otherwise try shortening it a bit, but you can keep the meaning. For instance you could change "Are lost in the night" to "Are in the night, cost/The moon comes out/ And this fight be lost" or something around there, soemtimes you can tweak lines here or there..

Well I have to say I really admire this as it is; I Love the idea and the use of colours as characters, very unique. I hope I haven't butted in too much into your work... just that, you remind me of when I started writing and your work as a raw right now is already very advanced in the ideas and creativity.. once you learn how to match it with proper wording, you will truly be a refined poet, and an admirable one at that.

Keep writing, definitely!!!

Answer 2

Nice use of metaphor. Good descriptive poem. What I would experiment with is changing up your line lengths. Short lines read quickly and the pacing for a war between light and darkness should have some quick elements to it. However, if you mix it up a bit by making some lines longer it could change the pace to reflect the mood changes and the ultimate resolution. You may also want to pare it down a bit and see what happens if you drop out some of the non-essential words. For example:

Fight in the sky
Slashes and cuts
Bright Red horses, Gold chariots, Orange men
Lives sold as darkness
comes Purple and Black
Fast and ready to attack
Slash. Slash.
Horses Red as fire
fall. Orange spills it's life
upon the ground
Gold is lost to Purple's
knives as the moon
comes out to end this fight.

Not saying that is any better. Just want you to see what you can cut and change without sacrificing meaning. Play around with it.

Answer 3

Try playing with line breaks -- maybe give it stanzas instead of making it one long poem. Also, is there a reason for capitalizing colours? You're consistent with is, which is good, but is there a reason? Perhaps you might consider adding more imagery. Clearly you've got some, as you describe slashing and attacking, but I'd like to see the battle in greater detail. Who is fighting -- the colours against each other? The night versus the day? Take elements of a battle and exploit them in poetic terms. (And don't listen to the person who said "What does this have to do with your life experiences and personal emotions?" Just because this isn't about a "life experience" doesn't mean this isn't poetry.)

Answer 4

Very enoyable to read, I can clearly imagine what your poem is talking about!

Three comments (constructive I hope)

~ In Line 8, the first word should be 'Their'

~ In the last section of the powem, you mention again the men of Orange 'Who had sold their lives', and in such a short space I feel it could be a little repetitive

~ The person who commented regarding adding a bit more of the detail of the battle has a good idea. You could easily add a few more lines and still keep the poem interesting, and not too long.

Your writing style is flowing and easy to read and you have a good descriptive skill! Thanks for sharing your poem :-)

Good luck :-)

Answer 5

This is not bad at all! Give it a title, something like "Conflict", or, "Moon's Peace", or, "Clouds in the Sky" ! Don't change it too much: the symbolism is good, there is some meaning, some substance, one is able to see a pattern of conflicts!

Answer 6

I like it, as is, & wouldn`t change a thing. It makes me think of late evening, when you see 2 or 3 different colors of clouds, vying for your attention.

Answer 7

what's it mean "they sold their lives"
to me it seems less like darkness attackes the dying light than that the light succumbs to the dark without a fight.
but that's not your image of it.

Answer 8

That's good

Answer 9

impressive

Answer 10

What does this have to do with your life experiences and personal emotions? Answer: nothing!! therefore, it is not poetry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!