"You can yell at me,
if you want,"
He says.
I politely decline,
not of courtesy.
Out of fear for
his safety.
The truth is,
I want to barricade myself
and scream for days.
Until my voice gives out.
Until I can not hear
my weakness giving in.
Until I can enjoy the silence.
Background Info: Written for a college level creative writing course, free verse workshop.
I am curious whether or not it has enough oomph to stand out amoung the rest of my portfolio.
2007-06-22 15:12:27 · 4 answers · asked by Megan B 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I really like this poem, but I'd work on two things. If you say 'politely' then say 'not out of courtesy' it sounds a bit confusing. It could be the person has been 'trained' to be polite or is afraid of hurting the other person, but it's still confusing. You could just get rid of the word 'politely.' The other thing is we don't no anything of the guy. Even a couple of words would help (his expression, where he is, what just happened, but SOMETHING to indicate why he is not safe. If you fix those two items, I think you have an excellent poem! Of course, this is just my opinion
2007-06-22 15:26:44 · answer #1 · answered by holacarinados 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I think it is strong enough to stand out. I agree with holacarinados on his politely note (very good advice in his comment).
Maybe "Primal" for a title unless you favor the Dickenson approach.
Nice work.
2007-06-23 00:04:09 · answer #2 · answered by Todd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pretty good I guess! I had to read it twice to understand it though.
2007-06-22 22:16:16 · answer #3 · answered by !TON!CK! 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like it deep
2007-06-22 22:19:45 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋